Dear Diary, I’m a mess

4^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

I’ve never written in a diary before. I’ve always perceived them as foolish or trivial. But here I am, writing one. I’ve begun due to finding myself in a rather emotional situation and I thought it would be interesting to look back on these writings in 10 or 20 years’ time. Well, I must get on to my point; I have a crush. That would be fine if it was the nice girl in my chemistry club (the one everyone keeps telling me to get with), but no it’s Alex Fox, the ‘bad boy’ of the year. Not only is it bad enough being the gay nerd, I also have to fall for someone so astronomically out of my league. Its like I’ve been designed as a gift for bullies. It would be fine if I was able to avoid him, but the universe is a cruel being and must enjoy to see me suffer. I have to tutor him. Was this my decision or even my choice? No. I got told that if I didn’t tutor him, I’ll get put in detention. I’m sure that’s blackmail but I’m not able to argue. I start tutoring him tomorrow and I’m dreading it. He’s so cool and smooth and I fear I’ll become a flustered mess and make a fool of myself. Well, I suppose it must be done. Write back tomorrow.

5^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

It was awful; he showed up late, didn’t listen when I was talking, ate food without offering me any. I spent all evening planning for this tutoring session and he didn’t even care. Well, I didn’t expect him to care, but I thought he would pretend to care a tad more than he did. I hope he didn’t notice my hands shaking or my heartbeat that was so fast, I thought it was about to go into cardiac arrest. I’m glad I didn’t, however, because I highly doubt he would be first aid trained. On the plus side, he’s a lot nicer than I expected. He’s also really funny as well, he even laughed at some of my terrible jokes. Although I wasn’t able to get much maths into him, we did make a connection. So I’m hoping that as days go by he’ll have more respect for what I’m trying to explain to him. I understand that he doesn’t want to be there, but I have a life as well, I didn’t sign up for this. My parents aren’t happy about me being in the presence of a boy like that, even if it is to study. They tried to argue it with the school but Mr Stanley was not going to accept it. Looks like I’m stuck doing this. Well, it could be worse.

6^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

He smiled at me in the corridor today and I noticed something about him; I’ve never seen him smile before. It was a beautiful. He has dimples and I think they’re adorable. I think he’s adorable. He seems absent-minded, though, so it’s still hard to get information into him. I think he was going to come over and talk to me today at lunch but my friends pulled me away into the science classroom before he had the chance. They said it was to protect me and that they thought he was coming over to make fun of me, but that’s ridiculous, he’s never actually been mean to anyone before and they know that. I’m actually insulted that they assume that anyone that’s not part of the science club, maths club, computing club or debate team are out to bully me. I’m allowed other friends. I should probably bring this up with them that they hurt my feelings tomorrow as I don’t want this to happen again. Besides, if someone was coming to bully me, I can handle it myself, I don’t need to be ‘rescued’ every 5 minutes, it’s embarrassing. I hope he doesn’t mention anything about this tomorrow.

7^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

I was unable to tutor Alex today because it’s Wednesday and I have no free time on a Wednesday. When I told him, he said he was relieved and explained that he has to babysit his younger siblings on a Wednesday. I feel honoured that he shared this information with me. Does that make us friends? I also noticed that he refused to look me in the eye and was slightly more fidgety, he also looked slightly red. Perhaps he was worried about something or ill. I always find it unkind to speculate about someone behind their back so I should probably ask him about that when I see him next. My friends and parents are still advising me to stay away from him like he is some serial murderer. I really don’t see what their problem with him is though, he’s actually a lovely person once you get to know him. Anyway, I should see him tomorrow. He had a test today and I hope he passed because it would look bad on me if he didn’t.

8^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

He passed his test. Just about, but he is showing improvement in his classes. Today, he came over to me and thanked me in front of all of my friends. They were all shocked. They didn’t think he was capable of being nice. He even gave me a hug, but he was weird after that. Sort of like he was embarrassed. I don’t know why, though. Friends give each other hugs all the time. Perhaps he doesn’t hug his friends. Anyway, I digress, the hug was amazing, I wish I was able to hug him more often. I also wish I was his boyfriend. Since getting to know him, my crush on him has grown a lot and its beginning to get to me. Well, at least we get to be friends.  

9^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

Today he was weird with me. He came to my session but he didn't want to look me in the eye or even talk to me. It was really hurtful. I don't understand what I did wrong. I thought the sessions were helping him. He came over and thanked me. He even hugged me. I heard some of his friends talking, whispering and I think I heard them mention my name. Has he been laughing about me behind my back? I thought we were friends. A part of me wants to mention something to him and ask him why he has suddenly become so mean to me. Another part of me wants to hide and never speak to him again in the fear that I have become a joke to him. I guess my friends were right not to trust him.

10^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

Today, he wouldn't even come to my session and I didn't see him in the canteen at lunch. I did see him outside of the gates after school so I tried talk to him and ask him what I had done wrong but, when I did, he just went red and muttered something under his breath that I couldn't hear. Perhaps he likes me? No, don't be absurd, a guy like that wouldn't have feelings for a guy like me. Would he?

11^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

Today, he did come and speak to me. I saw him at the canteen and I saw his friends pointing at me. I instantly assumed they were egging him on to say something cruel but what he did saw left me quite shocked. He walked over, something about him seemed nervous. He, then, tapped me on the shoulder and whispered something I never thought I'd hear him say; "You look cute today." That was all that was said, he ran off, blushing incredibly hard before I could get a word in edgeways. I would have doubted his severity if it wasn't for his adorable blush. So, he does like me. I must say, I am surprised. I wonder if I should tell him I like him back, or is that too soon?

12^th April, 20-

Dear Diary,

I tried to speak to him today. He showed up to our tutoring sessions. Instead of teaching him maths like I was supposed to, I explained to him that I've had a crush on him for a while. He didn't say anything for an uncomfortably long amount of time and I had worried that I had misunderstood the situation and he didn't have feelings for me at all. I was just about ready to bolt out of the room when he kissed me. I couldn't believe it. It was in that moment that I realised how hard I had fallen for him. This was my first kiss and in that moment I was glad to say it was with him. I'm glad it wasn't with someone I didn't actually like due to societal expectation that the nerdy boy must fall for the nerdy girl. When we pulled away from the kiss, I took the moment to truly look at him. He really was beautiful; his blue eyes that shone in the light of the sun beaming through, the dimples that showed when he smiled, his soft black curls that shaped his face. Heck, I even loved his crooked teeth. Yeah, I'm glad he was my first kiss.