The Return

I

November 6, 2014

Time generally passed in a predictable way for Pepper Baiij, a depressive night shift orderly working at the upscale Trinity Gardens Retirement Community in Ransom, Kansas. Around 7 P.M., she forced herself out from under her covers to brave the frigid environment in her squalid mobile home. She gathered a pair of clean scrubs and the items she’d need for swimming and bathing before her shift. She said good night to her cats, who now huddled in the warm spot where her big body had previously lain and where she often wished it would die as she slept, although she worried what would happen to her cats and her children, particularly her son if that were to transpire.

Pepper kicked a few discarded items out of the way so she wouldn’t trip over them. She was ashamed that her depression and hoarding tendencies kept her mired in chaotic and unsanitary conditions. She knew that most people would see her as simply lazy, so she kept her problems secret and never allowed anyone into her home.

“At least the kids have their own places,” she mused as she waded through knee-deep snow to her car. “Ixchel would be fine if I died. My girl is so resourceful, and I couldn’t be prouder of her.”

Pepper sensed a spirit beside her. She smiled as Gerry Clifford linked his arm in hers. She could picture the diminutive fellow with his shaggy, shoulder-length hair in her mind. If anyone with psychic abilities had been looking, they would have seen Pepper’s aura flare bright pink.

“I’m glad you came to visit me, Gerry,” Pepper said. “Now I know that I’ll enjoy tonight’s shift. You can come swimming with me before it starts.”

“Cer, that sounds a lark,” Gerry agreed. “One nice thing about bein’ non-corporeal is I ain’t gotta bother meself with changin’ clothes. I just imagine what I wanna be wearin’, and Bob’s yer uncle.”

“I’m glad I got going early tonight,” Pepper said. “We’ll be able to grab a bite from Ransom Burger before it closes. I wish you could actually eat something with me.”

“That’s arite, I can sense the taste if I wish. I’m just glad to be with you. I know yer still uncertain, but we can help each other. Now, why don’t you tell me why yer worried about yer daughter?”

“She just started a job as an undercover police officer. She couldn’t tell me the details, but she’s going to be working at a high school. Unlike me, she’s a tiny thing. She’s twenty-four years old, but she can easily pass for sixteen if she dresses young. Ugh, I can’t imagine going back to high school! I was bullied mercilessly. I stayed high most of the time. Your music got me through, and I’ll always be grateful for that. Ixchel was never a socially inept mess like I was. She held her own.”

“I’m sensing you’ve other kids.”

“Yes, Ixchel has a twin brother. I also had one that I lost to miscarriage early on, a girl.”

“Sorry to hear that, Love.”

“I hope this doesn’t sound callous, but it was for the best. There was something wrong with the fetus, and my marriage was on the rocks. I felt remorse but not grief. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I do. So, tell me about yer boy.”

“Well, Ixchel and Quetzalcoatl are twins, but they look nothing alike and are temperamental opposites too. Where Ix is petite and pulled-together, Quetz is tall and husky and tends to look rumpled. Ixchel has always been a real go-getter and while she’s not aggressive, she holds her own socially. She’s had no shortage of offers, but she’s never wanted to get serious romantically. She went through police academy training right out of high school but wound up working as a security guard in a department store until she took this undercover job.”

“She sounds like a real go-getter. What’s her brother get up to?”

“Well, as I said, Quetz is a bit of a different breed. He did well enough academically, and he’s an easy-going sort, so he always had friends. But he’s high-functioning autistic and he has ADHD. The school counselors wanted me to medicate him, and I refused. His grades were slipping. He can be a bit hard-headed, but they were punishing him by keeping him in from lunch to do make-up work. Can you imagine? It’s no wonder he rebelled! He was never a discipline problem, and they were punishing him for being bored. He was on his way to dropping out of school.”

“Don’t blame him. Me and Paulie and David never finished school either. I thought it was a waste of time. Reckoned I’d rather work than go to school, but me real goal was always to make a living from music. Worked in an appliance manufacture place, y’know. Not on the assembly line, I couldn’t have tolerated that. They kept me around there to fix their dodgy old equipment. Me da taught us early on how to fix things. It was a good skill to have.”

“Well, Quetz likes to work with his hands. He’s never been able to hold a regular job. He has his own place. I wish he’d live with me, but he needs his independence. Besides, as you’ve no doubt noticed, I have a terrible time with housekeeping. I’m afraid I have hoarding problems, and things have gotten out of hand. I’m surprised you wanted to stick around after seeing the place.”

“Well, I ain’t gonna judge you for that, Love. Perhaps I can help you. Let me try.”

II

Pepper and Gerry arrived at Trinity Gardens. Since no-one else was in the therapy pool, she was able to playfully interact with Gerry as she did her routine.

“I could stay in here forever,” she revealed. “I love the water.”

“Yer a real mermaid,” Gerry agreed.

“A real fat mermaid,” Pepper countered.

“And I’m a scrawny little merman, not much bigger than a minnow. Don’t you suppose mer-folks come in different sizes?”

“I suppose. I just hate this awful body. I’ve tried and tried to get thin, but with my crappy thyroid, the weight just doesn’t come off. They raise the dosage until my heart races and my blood pressure is through the roof. I wish I wasn’t so ugly.”

“Well, wish granted, you ain’t ugly.”

“I think there’s something wrong with your eyesight,” Pepper sighed.

“Incorrect. Me eyes are fine. It’s me brain that’s turnin’ to oatmeal.”

“I need to hit the shower, Gerry. I’m starting to develop goose-flesh.”

“Cer, I’ll wait just outside fer ya. You know, Pepper, you’re really kinda unfair to yerself.”

“Well, you would be too if you heard every day how ugly and undesirable you were.”

“I did. It ain’t as though anybody found me handsome. Most birds don’t want an odd-looking, scrawny gnome.”

“Well, you’re wrong about that. You should hear the things some of these young girls say about you. It’s downright lurid.”

“Rather not, if you don’t mind. Bloody odd that is. Ain’t they got no young blokes like that Justin Beaver chap to lust after?”

Pepper chuckled.

“You’d think so, but these days it’s all the rage for teenage girls to write things that would make Ron Jeremy blush about men old enough to be their grandfathers. Frankly, I find it extremely disrespectful. Scoot on out of here, Gerry, I need to dry off and get dressed.”

“Cer, I’ll be just beyond the curtain. Maybe these birds need their heads examined. I can’t imagine a young lass mooning over a ripe old geezer like me. They gotta be off their trolley! Anyways, at this stage of things, even if I was healthy and on the market for a new partner, I’d want someone in her forties at least. The thought of chasing after teenage girls gives me the shivers. I ain’t one of them pathetic old perverts what likes ‘em way too young. Crikey!”

III

Pepper was happy for Gerry’s company as she did her nightly rounds. There was a spring in a step and a brightness in her aura. She was hopeful again, and this both gladdened and frightened her.

When the rounds were done, Pepper sat down at the computer to do her nightly report.

“I used to write stories,” she informed Gerry. “I even published a book once. I deluded myself into thinking I might be able to earn a living as an author. Talk about your foolish ideas.”

“I’m startin’ to suspect that you might be a serial killer with the way you murder yer dreams. I can tell that you enjoy writing. Yer aura brightened when you spoke to me about it. But then you went and eviscerated that thought all gruesome and gory-like, just laid it out flat and poured salt on the wounds to boot, and yer aura went muddy. You encourage everyone else, but yer terrible negative with yerself. I can see the hurt in you, Ondina. Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

Pepper shivered, feeling as if a cold, dead finger had run up her back.

“What did you call me?” she asked.

“My apologies. I’ve no clue where that came from. I ain’t ever known anyone called Ondina. I hope you ain’t angry with me.”

“No, of course not. The name seems familiar, but I can’t possibly imagine how.”

“Well, maybe we ought to write about that.”

“What would we write about it?”

“Whatever comes to mind. Might help us get to the bottom of this mystery. Or, at the very least, it might get you writing again. Maybe I could help you tell the story. I always wanted to write stories—science fiction in particular—but I didn’t have the talent, so I stuck to what I knew.”

Pepper started to speak, then looked away from Gerry.

“Pepper, what is it?” Gerry asked. “And don’t say it’s nothing, ‘cause I know that ain’t true.”

“Gerry, the book I published was co-authored by a ghost. His name was Ketil Nagel.”

“I’ve heard that name. He seems to be famous, or perhaps infamous, around the Dreamlands.”

“He was the vocalist for the Scandinavian blackened death metal band Deadly Night. He committed suicide in a gory, ritualistic fashion on his twenty-fifth birthday, June 6, 1991. He carved symbols all over his body and then fell backward off a chair onto a stake that pierced his heart. It was rumored that he sacrificed himself to the vampire goddess Mormo.”

“Crikey! Yeah, I heard about that. So, you and Ketil are mates, then?”

“We considered ourselves to be married. On Halloween 2006, I lit a candle right here at this very desk, and we said our vows.”

IV

Gerry was quiet for a moment.

“Obviously, things didn’t work out,” Pepper continued. “Now maybe you can see why I’m reluctant to get romantically involved with or even work with another ghost.”

“Cer,” Gerry agreed. “However, I think there’s more to this tale than yer lettin’ on. You gave me the synopsis, but I want the details. Out with it, Woman! Every juicy morsel!”

Pepper chuckled and dried tears from her eyes.

“I don’t know if you’d like the morsels much unless you were a ghoul,” she said. “They’re rotten to the core.”

Gerry gently touched Pepper’s hand.

“Well, they ain’t doin’ you much good eatin’ away at yer soul as they are. So, let’s have ‘em.”

“I first encountered Ketil in 2006 when I read a book called Black Metal, Red Death: Satan’s Troubadours.”

“Well, that’s some title. Sounds like one of them Satanic Panic whatsits.”

“That’s what I thought, so I almost gave it a pass, but then I read the description. I don’t think I was even looking for books on music. I was doing research on Atlantis for a stupid story I’d been working on for years called Xochipilli, Prince of the Bloody Rose.”

“That don’t sound so stupid. It sounds intriguing. I’m guessing it was a vampire tale.”

“Yes, you guessed right. It was a dime-a-dozen paranormal romance born of my obsession with Kris Rooiakker.”

“The actor bloke?”

“Yeah, the actor bloke. Most people think that my kids’ names were chosen because my ex-husband’s family came from Venezuela. It’s a good cover, but it isn’t true. Kris played a character called Quetzalcoatl Banner…”

“Yeah, Vice Marshall Quetzalcoatl Banner. The film was Jolt, the year was 1980. I’m a sci-fi nerd, remember?”

“Out of curiosity, what did you think of it?” Pepper asked.

“Pretty good flick. Not a killer space opera like Star Wars or grim and gory like Alien, but a good, solid adventure with decent special effects and some nicely creepy moments.”

“Agreed. What did you think of Quetzalcoatl Banner?”

“I liked him. Reckon he’s a proper good namesake for a fine young chap such as yer son. I’m getting the impression that the bloke who played him was a right tosser, though. He certainly didn’t deserve to have a lovely lass mooning over him and writing books about him.”

“Who do you think a bird should write books about?”

“Well, now, I think if a lady wants to write a book with the best sort of hero, a real man’s man and all that, y’know, I think she ought to be looking to Gerry Clifford fer inspiration. Yeah, I know he ain’t much to look at, but he’s a decent and honest chap. Plus, he can help her with the story. I’d love to help you start writing again, Pepper. Won’t you take a chance on me and give it a try?”

“Gerry, when I released the book that I wrote with Ketil, I ended up getting death threats. I wanted people to see him in a different light, but it backfired. There were women who emailed me their lustful fantasies about him and male fans who were angry with me for trying to portray him as something other than an icon of evil. The whole thing really messed me up, and I can’t go through it again.”

“So, don’t mention me in yer new story. I don’t need a byline. Your happiness is more than enough payment. Please, at least think about it.”

“Okay, what should we write about?”

“Well, why not this Lights of Zetar thing? Truth is stranger than fiction, innit?”

“It certainly is,” Pepper agreed. “Aren’t you afraid it might draw them to you, though?”

‘Love, they’re after me regardless of what I do. I think it might help me understand why. Will you help me help you, Pepper? I don’t want to give up without a fight. At least this way I’ll know I done something good before I go.”

Gerry was sitting on the desk beside the computer. Pepper reached for his hand. He rose and put his arms around her. She could feel the warmth radiating from him and relaxed into his embrace.

“I never felt warmth from a spirit before,” she realized. “Urban legend always has it that ghosts are cold, but I haven’t felt that either. I sense an energy field with spirits, but not temperature.”

“Well, maybe it’s ‘cause I ain’t a full spirit yet. I’ve still got that worthless, dying body clinging to me like a bloody albatross.”

“I don’t think it’s that either,” Pepper countered. “I’ve also had contact with astral-projected living people. They aren’t warm either. What are you, Gerry Clifford?”

“Don’t rightly know meself, Love. Far as I’m concerned, I’m just a skinny, ugly little bloke what can fix broken shite, and I’ve some talent fer playin’ the guitar. I’ve never thought of meself as nothing special. But now everybody wants me. I’ve a fucked-up colony of light blighters chasin’ after me tryin’ to eat me head. I’ve a weird fan club of feckin’ insane teenage girls who for reasons I can’t fathom wish to knock boots with a bloke old enough to be their granddad. Now, I bloody well don’t want either of those things. Would you like to know what I want?”

Pepper nodded, looking up at Gerry and smiling. He grinned and nestled himself onto her lap, facing her, and caressed her face.

“I want to be yer writing partner, Pepper. I want to be your friend, and maybe something more if you’ll let me. Shall I come by and see you again, as a friend and maybe something more?”

Pepper pulled Gerry as close to her as she could.

“Come haunt my house whenever you wish. I’m feeling hungry and you’re my main dish,” she responded. “Don’t run away. Baby, please stay. Don’t leave me blue. Make my dream come true.”

“Be my real feel, ‘cause I’m the real deal,” Gerry laughed. “Always did like that song, y’know. One of Mainline’s better efforts, I think. I guess I owe Odinn and Annika a real debt of gratitude for them lyrics. They lured me a lovely, talented mermaid who’s gonna help me tell my story.”

Acknowledgments

Mormo the vampire goddess is the creation of H.P. Lovecraft (1890 – 1937). She initially appeared in The Horror at Red Hook, first published in the January 1927 issue of Weird Tales.

The Lights of Zetar are the creation of Shari Lewis (1933 – 1998) and Jeremy Tarcher (1932 – 2015). This entity appeared in the January 1969 Star Trek episode “The Lights of Zetar.” Star Trek is the creation of Gene Roddenberry (1921 – 1991).

Gerry Clifford, Ketil Nagel, and Pepper Baiij are the intellectual property of Naughty Netherworld Press. Ketil is one of the major protagonists in the novella “Ketil and Yitzy’s Adventure in the Xura Dream House.”