Thank You! -Management

I had always been more of a ‘smile through everything and don’t show your frustration’ type of person. Always one to avoid making waves. Instead, I would keep my mouth shut at all the trivial things that bothered me, convinced that nobody else needed to hear me gripe. I was not a pushover, but not one to seek any unnecessary drama either.

That is until I realized the power of anonymity behind the mask of a card from “Management.”

The first time I wielded my newfound strength was in the laundry room of my apartment. All the washing machines were full, but only one was running. After some investigating, I realized that the other machines had completed their cycles. The owners were nowhere in sight to retrieve their laundry, which had become a disturbingly frequent occurrence. I stomped back up the stairs with my basket of dirty clothes (convinced if I left it down there a laundry bandit would make off with some of my socks, and my solo sock collection would continue to grow to epic proportions).

Fifteen minutes later I tried again, only to find that nothing had changed. This time, however, I had come prepared with a marker and some blank note cards. I took the clothes out of the first washer and threw them into an empty drier, using a card to label it the “Wet Clothes Holding Bin.” I rolled my eyes when I realized there were a few work shirts embroidered with the name Mike. I didn’t know who he was, but now I could silently condemn him if we ever crossed paths while he was on his way to or from work.

Then I left a card on the washer stating, “Your clothes have been relocated to the Wet Clothes Holding Bin. Except for one sock, hidden somewhere around this apartment complex as punishment for not timely attending to your laundry. Thank you! –Management.” Since potential sock loss was always a concern of mine, I figured I would make it someone else’s reality. Or at least threaten to, because I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. Still, I secretly hoped Mike would come up a sock short and forever wonder where it was hiding. I walked back up to my apartment silently laughing at my creativity and applauding my expert-level passive-aggressive behavior.

When I returned around 45 minutes later I was confronted with things… exactly… how… I… left… them. I took a deep breath and considered my options. I could throw the slackers’ wet and growing-mustier-by-the-second clothes back into the washer so that I could use the drier-turned-holding-bin. That option, of course, meant that all my carefully planned hilariousness would go completely unnoticed. I peeked into the next drier and found it loaded with only one blanket, which was already dry and waiting to be folded. I ran upstairs and grabbed a trash bag, figuring it was worth the time and effort to make a point. I threw the blanket into the bag and attached a card that said “Contents: 1 dry blanket. Please timely attend to your laundry. Thank you! –Management.”

Another 45 minutes later I was almost excited when I went to get my load out of the drier. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the trash bag gone, and the 'holding bin' was about halfway through its dry cycle. I grabbed my things and pondered if anyone else involved was as amused by my antics as I was.

I was strolling back down the hall to my apartment when I noticed one of my neighbors had their door propped open, but they were nowhere in sight. I set down my laundry, grabbed my marker and a blank card, and quickly scribbled: “Please be advised that any apartment doors observed open and unattended will be locked and shut. This is for your safety and security. Also note that in the event of a lockout, the maintenance unlock fee is $100. Thank you! -Management.” I laughed, wondering if the office was going to hear about this one. I scurried down the hall and closed the door behind me before anyone noticed my suspicious behavior.

Later that evening, as I returned from getting dinner, I observed that one of my neighbors had parked in the designated car wash stall. Ready with my marker and blank cards I thought a moment before writing: “This stall is reserved for residents using the car wash (a.k.a. garden hose). Please relocate your vehicle to another available space. Thank you! –Management.” I was barely walking up the side of the building when I heard someone start laughing about how the spot was “only for being a hoser.” Phew, I thought, at least my neighbors found humor in it too.

This validation fueled me to create a whole series of “thank you” cards from “Management” left randomly around the complex. I had some gems like:

·  “Gate will remain broken until further notice. You shouldn’t be leaving your dogs unattended anyway. Channel your inner blockade. Thank you! –Management.”

·  “Broken light bulbs will be replaced in a non-timely fashion. Please provide your own illumination to avoid any darkness-related injuries. Night-walk at your own risk. Thank you! –Management.”

·  “To reduce diseases and illnesses spread by pet waste, we are considering implementing DNA testing on all dogs in the complex. Feces samples will be required. Please pick up after your pet or we will be forced to use science to hold you accountable, at your expense. Thank you! –Management.”

·  “The ‘future resident’ spaces are not to be used as guest parking at any time. The argument that you can’t predict the future and that maybe someday you will be a resident is not valid unless you inquire about residency in the leasing office at the time the vehicle is occupying the space. Thank you! –Management.”

·  “All upstairs residents: Saturday and Sunday have been designated as interior redesign days. Please move your furniture around on these days only to avoid disturbing your downstairs neighbors. Thank you! –Management.”

·  “Paint may be wet. It also may not be. Touch at your own risk. Thank you! –Management.”

·  “Please do not use gym equipment after applying self-tanner. The pleather is turning orange. Recreation showers are located in the pool area for your convenience. Thank you! –Management.”

·  “This community is gated for security. To request entry please locate the name of the person you are visiting, and press ‘call’ to dial their number. If you cannot find their name, do not randomly place calls until somebody opens the gate. Do not tailgate other vehicles. Note: the walk-through gate is unlocked. Thank you! -Management.”

·  “Night patrol has notified us that after-hours pool use has increased. Please respect the posted hours. Be advised that clothing is NOT optional. Although somewhat confusing, this means that appropriate attire is REQUIRED. Cameras are monitoring the area, and we saw your… things. Thank you! –Management.” (Someone replied “your very welcome,” and drew an inappropriately endowed stick figure. I laughed out loud while trying to ignore the bad grammar.)

I was on a pretty entertaining roll until I came home one day and found the following notice on my door: “It has come to our attention that thank you cards have been posted around the complex which state they are from “Management.” Please be advised that these are unauthorized notices. Sarcastic accuracy and validity aside, any future cards will be removed immediately upon detection, and violator(s) may be subject to fines for littering. Only cards originating from and approved by the leasing office are permitted. We appreciate your compliance. Thank you! -Management.”