Are you gonna be my girl?

Grace started cooking way too early. She had gotten up at five o’clock in the morning to prepare the tiramisu following the recipe passed on from generation to generation in Federico’s family. Grace was lucky enough to get to know the nonna – an authentical Italian grandma, passionate about two things in life: cooking and her numerous family. She had a special spot in her heart for her oldest grandson, who spent hours and hours in the kitchen, listening to the family stories and learning to cook mouth-watering dishes. This was one of the reasons Grace fell for him 15 years ago – among with his quirky sense of humour and the way he was fascinated about history.

She turned on the radio just to hear Bella Ciao playing.

’You do like to send me signs, caro, don’t you?’ she sighed. ’Even though it’s not fair of you putting all the preparation work on my shoulders – buying myself flowers is a bit embarassing, you know? Now, given our unfortunate circumstances, I don’t blame you. Being dead is a pretty good excuse, even this strict Mathematics teacher here finds it viable.’

The coffee cooled down just enough to plunge the savoiardi’s in them. ’Remember this, dolcezza:’ the nonna told her ’there is no such thing as using too much coffee. The biscuits need to be soft like a baby’s skin – now, before we go on, let me show you some of Federico’s childhood photos. He might be a handsome young man today, but if you would have seen him as a baby… Just look at this smile, isn’t he adorable? And here: does he still stick out his tongue when concentrating?’ she smiled at me, her eyes twinkling. ’Tell me, will you make me a great grandmother anytime soon?’

I told Federico that I was barren after meeting his family for the first time. He was walking me home and asked me how I liked the Ventiglias. ’I am fortunate to have met them, amore’ I said softly. He looked at me, astonished. We started seeing each other only a couple of weeks ago and were keeping things slow. His first wife, Sally, died several years ago and I could tell that he was still head over heels about her. I, for my part, have been avoiding commitment after an ugly breakup in my early twenties. My sarcastic nature and witty comments scared away dozens of men, but Federico laughed off all of them, seeing the insecure little girl behind the facade. ’Now, that was unexpected, Ice Queen’ he said, using my own weapon against me. ’You are the first woman I have introduced to my family after -’ he stopped, unable to finish the sentence. I squeezed his hand tenderly; some things don’t need to be said out loud. ’After her first chemo she told me she wasn’t going to make it. These words teared my heart apart…for a long time I thought nobody could mend it. In fact, I’m fairly certain this feeling is permanent. But looking at you talking to my mamma and cracking jokes with zio Georgio, I realised there is still room in my heart for one other person – no more no less’ he looked at me with a tiny smile in the corner of his lips. Then, completely out of the blue, he started singing Jet’s hit song, the ’Are you gonna be my girl’.

’Well it’s one, two, three, take my hand and come with me’ I was humming while setting the table. First, the emroidered tablecloth inherited from nonna. Even though I did everything possible for it to remain white, almost shining, it  lost its former beauty. At one edge there’s a splash of tomato sauce Federico set while imitating one of the annoying student’s of mine – oh, and these colourful flecks are from the gelato we ate at 40°C: half of it melted before we managed to taste it. Next, the napkins bought at our honeymoon in Verona. We decided to use them only on our anniversaries. Little did we know so many of them wouldn’t touch the corners of our mouths’ – at least not those of Federico. The silver cutlery was one of the few things inherited from my family even though its history is more practical: my mother bought it after winning a literary contest in high school. By that time, she had already been in the first weeks of her pregnancy and, being one who liked to plan ahead, she decided that antique silver cutlery wouldn’t lose its worth and I might sell it if I’ll ever be in dire need of money.

All set and done. ’Federico, could you please arrange the dishes? Oh, I know you cannot…will I ever stop talking to you as if you were still there, caro? I’m not sure I could, even though after five years it should have gotten easier, right? Well, if you’re up (or down) there, listening to me, here’s what I tell you – it doesn’t get easier. It never gets easier. I cannot even imagine how you managed to fall in love with another person after Sally. Well, alright, never mind – let’s eat our traditional anniversary dinner, shall we?’

All out of sudden, the doorbell rang. Grace hurried to see who’s there – her friends and relatives knew that this was the day she shouldn’t be bothered at all. As she opened the door, she saw a bouquet of white lilies – her favourite flowers – on the doorstep. Grace pressed out a faint smile – she knew where they were coming from. Federico and his younger brother have always been very close to each other. Mauro laid eyes on her at their first meeting and couldn’t think about any other woman since then. Even though he never took any love interest seriously and found one-night stands enough to satisfy his interest, she made him reevaluate the concept of love. Mauro was the only person who knew Federico better than Grace and after his death they became really close, telling each other stories and vowing to never forget him. He knew how to woo women but respected Grace’s boundaries…and this gesture was truly kind of him.

Grace hurried back in the living room to put the flowers in a vase. ’Do you mind if we skip dinner today, caro? I bet that’s what we would be doing anyway at our 10-year anniversary, wouldn’t we?’ She put the flowers on the nightstand right next to the photograph taken at their wedding. ’You were the one who taught me how to be happy and love without any second thoughts, caro. Even today, I would without any trace of doubt be your girl – I hope you can hear me, wherever you are’ she sobbed. Her vision was blurred with tears so it might have only been her desperate wish to have Federico beside her, but for a second she saw him wink at her from their photo.