Acceptance and Love

“Bullshit!” Kayla spat out, the scale had to be lying – she was supposed to lose weight, not gain it. It had been six months, and despite her best efforts, Kayla had not even made it to her goal of 200 pounds yet. She knew that she was overweight, she always had been, and she hated that about herself. She’d always been the fat kid in school, but she just learned to live with the fact that she was never going to get rid of it. Diet after diet, work out after work out, nothing. Admittedly, she most likely had some issues with her hormones or thyroids that might be able to be fixed with medications, but due to her mother drilling it into her head over and over that she was just a lazy pig for her entire life, she had been determined to lose it on her own.

           She sat on the bathroom tile, chubby legs in shorts she would never wear outside of her small one-bedroom apartment that she arguably paid too much for, goosebumps immediately forming on her skin. In a moment of rage, she just reached for the scale, and threw it and it clattered into her bathtub, probably breaking in the process.

           “Kay?” A familiar voice called from outside of the bathroom door, it was her partner, Sam. “Is everything okay in there?” Kayla was a bit embarrassed; she’d just most likely broken a very expensive scale that she’d worked hard to pay for. Not to mention, the childish way that she was acting.

           “Everything is fine.” Kayla said, and only then did she realize that she was crying. Her voice shook as she spoke, and tears were just falling at that point.

           “That doesn’t sound very convincing.” Sam countered, the door sweeping open as she came and immediately sat down next to her girlfriend, an arm finding its way around her shoulders. Kayla instinctively leaned against Sam.

           “I still haven’t lost weight, I was supposed to do better this year, I’ve just worked so hard and—” She cut herself off with a thick sob that broke Sam’s heart. She felt for her girlfriend, and she loved her so much, she just wished she could take this pain from her.

           “You’re beautiful just how you are.” Sam insisted, tilting Kayla’s face back up toward her gently.

           Only then did Kayla remember, losing weight wasn’t her only resolution for New Years, she also made it a goal to find someone to love her for who she was. She remembered how nervous she was to download that dating app, and how hard it was for her to check the boxes for ‘female’ and ‘seeking female’.

           Growing up in a toxic household made her deny this very important part of herself, she thought she would be going to Hell for the longest time. After praying about it, she was more than sure that going to Hell was not going to be something that would happen to her – she couldn’t help who she loved.

           At first swiping right to like other women seemed strange, but she took the time to clear out her area of fellow sapphic folks, and it wasn’t long before her phone dinged with a chime she hadn’t heard before, it was the dating app. She had a match! And the match was immediately followed up with a message. It was only a simple “Hey, how are you?” but Kayla was shaking with excitement.

           Sam had taken the initiative and sent that first message, but it just blossomed from there. They stayed up late talking on the app before exchanging numbers and staying up even later, even though both of them needed to work the next day.

           Their first date, which had been set up within the following days, was great, they met at a restaurant that they both liked, and despite it being a little bit awkward at first, sparks truly flew. Hearts were quite literally in Kayla’s eyes that night as they ate ice cream in one of their cars until nearly midnight. They didn’t kiss but they both insisted that they regretted that they didn’t do it sooner. By the end of January, they were girlfriends. They spent as much time together as they could, and they both agree that they’d never felt like this with anyone else before. As cliché as it was, it was a picture-perfect relationship. It was what Kayla had prayed for. It was what they both prayed for. They had grown together as people in last six months and grown closer to their God together.

           “I know you think that.” Kayla said, a smile gracing her lips. “I’m so grateful for you.”

           “No. I know that, Kayla. You are the most beautiful woman in the world, both inside and out. Seeing you have so much patience for people who reject us just for existing, it inspires me to be a better person. In your job as a Registered Nurse, you take care of people that usually don’t even say thank you. The amount of love that you give to any stray animal – or wild animal – that you see is heartwarming. God, you’re an incredible human being.” Sam was speaking so matter-of-factly in that moment, wanting Kayla to believe how great that she truly was. “I love you.” She concluded, squeezing one of Kayla’s hands in hers.

“I love you, too.” Kayla was still crying but for different reasons now, the love that she felt in her heart was too much to hold in.

As they embraced in a loving hug, Kayla recalled her New Years resolution to find someone that loved her just as she was, and she was content that she finally had it.