Dear Austin

Monday March 4th, 2019

Layne

 Nadia says that Jackie was talking

 about me and Austin and hes 

never seen Austin get this way

about a girl before and I’m super

  happy

11:26 PM

Good work!

:p:p:p

11:27 PM   

Sunday February 9th, 2020

Dear Austin,

I know you said that you didn’t get any of my last letters, but you know me, such a hopeless romantic.  I like writing to you. And maybe someday you’ll get the chance to read them.

I keep having these dreams about you.  They are so frequent that I don't need my friend to interpret them for me anymore, I know what they mean.

Last night I was in a giant maze, it wasn’t entirely white walls or made out of bricks.  Sometimes it looked like places I knew, maybe my school hallways. Sometimes the corners would have things from my house in them: my bed, a lamp, stacks of books.  No matter what dream it was, I was always doing the same thing. I would always chase you through the maze. Sometimes I would catch up to you long enough for you to give me that dimpled smile or say something to make me laugh, but you would always disappear again and I would be left wondering where you went.  Guess I can never catch up to you now. 

On the 16th of February it will be a year since we met face to face for the first time.  I still remember what I was wearing: pink sweater, high waisted jeans, and boots that I picked out with a lower heel just in case, because I didn't want to be taller than you. That entire morning I was running around, excited and nervous at the same time.  It felt like my whole body was buzzing. I made you breakfast: pancakes (flapjacks you insisted I say) and sausage. When I received the text that you were here I asked Nadia if I looked okay before running down the steps to meet you. 

I saw these two figures walking across the parking lot, it was sunny out, decently warm for February.  You were wearing the black sweatshirt you always wear, the one with the flags on it. To this day I am still not quite sure what it means.  And oh, how I wanted to jump up and wrap myself around you and never let go. I decided not to get too dramatic, I decided to give you a simple hug but it was still wonderful.  I think I was in love with you a week after we started texting, and seeing you in person solidified my feelings. You were perfect. 

Everything you did that weekend made me love you more.  You helped me clean up breakfast with all the country charm one could expect.  You were absolutely giddy with joy when we went to the Philadelphia Museum of art, I kept thinking, “Wow, how did I manage to find a guy like this?” As we walked up those big marble steps I’ll never forget what you said to me.

“That's you,” you said pointing to the golden statue of the goddess Diana, that greeted us at the top of the stairs. 

“Aww,” Mason said, while I was probably looking flustered with a blush across my face.  You made me feel so beautiful. 

We went to a lot of museums that weekend. You stole a rubber ducky wearing hospital scrubs from the Mutter museum for me.  I still have it. We ate cupcakes Nadia made that night and I never wanted you to leave.

“I taste like cupcake,” you said leaning towards me, mischievous smile on your lips.  You didn’t have to give me a reason to kiss you, you could have kissed me whenever you wanted that entire day.  

“Oh really?” I said and pulled you against me.  You did taste like cupcake, but you also tasted like you.  Nadia yelled at us to get a room and we pulled apart reluctantly.  

The next day we did more museums. You wanted to see the historical part of Philadelphia and I was way too happy to show you around (probably shouldn’t have spent that much money on Ubers).  Of course, I have been going to the Liberty Bell and Old City since I was little but with you, I started appreciating it more. It looked new.  

I couldn't keep my hand out of yours.  Every chance I got I wanted to lean against you.  You smelled like bonfires and pine trees. I imagined running my hands through your soft, floppy hair.

You and Mason left on Monday.  You tried to spend as much time with me as you could, driving around New Jersey for as long as possible before you had to drive me back to school.  I watched the typical rundown landscape of New Jersey pass by out the window as you told me about growing up with your Grandfather, learning how to make leather with him, how you weren't allowed to wear a mask to block that awful scent because of some reason or another.  I just wanted to listen, I wanted to know everything about you, it seemed like you already knew my soul inside and out. For a year now, I lived my life like I was in between time, just waiting until I could be with you again, planning what our future might be like. And I hope wherever you are, you are happy.  

Love always,

Skylar 💓

Thursday January 9, 2020

Austin

Lol imma die soon so its k

1:27 AM

Stop it!!

You’re not gonna die!!

1:27 AM

Well i am

1:28 AM

Well eventually

But only after you’ve had a good

long happy life

1:28 AM

Exactly 

1:28 AM

I want you to be happy so bad

1:29 AM

I am happy 😂😂😂

1:29 AM

Monday, February 10, 2020

Sir Maxwell (Mason)

I used to share a lot of writing

with Austin, he liked my poems

1:32 PM

I’m sure it couldn't hurt, I

always enjoy reading stuff my 

friends write. Yeah, he always 

enjoyed telling me how much

he saw you as a talented 

writer. Just wished you tapped 

into the potential more.

1:35 PM

Monday February 10, 2020

Dear Austin,

I haven’t been sleeping very well.  Last night I slept on my futon in the same clothes I have been wearing since Saturday.  But this morning I did finally take a shower, one step at a time, right? 

I wish I could have visited you more before you left for Washington.  Suddenly it was like I never existed to you after I came down to North Carolina.  Before that trip I got a haircut and chatted away at my hair stylist about how I was going to visit you in NC and how it's been a couple of months since I saw you. I bought a new shirt for the trip because even though we would be sleeping in barracks, I wanted to look good for you.  I remember being worried about a zit on my face but you said that you’ve seen me with and without makeup and I'm beautiful either way.

Even if Kerian didn’t get sick after drinking so much, I would have stayed that extra day.  Maybe I knew then that that would be the last time I would ever see you.  

Did you think of that day on the beach often? I don't think I was ever as blissfully happy.  I wanted many more days of sitting on a beach in chairs we bought at a little store an hour before, the wind whipping my hair, staring at the ocean, staring at you. Then later, you slid into the shower with me as if you’d done it a million times before (you almost made me forget that I was standing barefoot in a shower that had black mold). You might find this weird but I think what really did it for me was when you started chewing on the chicken bones I had left on my plate (as if I would ever leave any meat behind).  I told my sister about that and she said “wow, he must be your soulmate.” 

I still remember all of your tattoos.  My favorites were the diagonal bible verses on your hips; you laughed and told me not to bite too hard when I grazed them with my teeth. I’ll get a tattoo for you someday, maybe a goblin to match the one on your foot.  

It is raining outside, it has been raining for a while.  I’m pretty sure every mom used to say it's because the angels are crying.  I think I have cried enough that it could be my tears too. You ever hear of this song by Toby Keith, “I’m not crying because I feel so sorry for you, I’m crying for me”? Yeah, it's a little bit like that. I miss you.

Love always,

Skylar 💓

Saturday, February 8, 2020

Sir Maxwell (Mason)

No, it wasn’t a dream. I wish

it was. There was nothing we 

could of done, his decision at

the time was something he

wanted to do. He helped dig

me out of depressing times, 

I just thought I could of been

that for him too.

9:47 PM

I regret not telling him how much

he means to me

10:00 PM

Its okay. I’m sure he knew

Skylar

10:23 PM

Devin Scott 10:49 AM

to me ￬

im sorry its been so rough for you, i wish i could help

you. i think about how he wouldn’t want me to be sad

so i try not to think about it much, i wish i could be

half the man he was

Show quoted text

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Dana

Don’t torture yourself by

thinking your love alone

would have saved him, you

don't know that, you don't

know what his demons were

10:16 AM

I wish he would have told me

I wish he would have told Mason

10:16 AM

February 14th, 2020

Dear Austin,

I am leaving for a ski trip today.  It's a five hour drive and normally this is what I would daydream about:

A log home with big, beautiful windows that look out to snow capped mountains.  I am sitting outside on the porch, the sun is setting, giving the mountains a pink tint.  It is slightly chilly outside and you come up behind me and wrap a blanket around my shoulders.  You sit in the chair next to me and we both have tea in our hands, warming the air and our bodies.  I smile, this is everything I’ve ever wanted.

A letter I had sent you returned in the mail on Tuesday.  I curse myself for writing the address wrong, and I fool myself into thinking that writing more letters to you would have kept you around longer.  Why did you lie to me when you said you were happy? I didn't think you really meant it when you told me you were going to die before 25, and now I am looking over all the text messages and seeing new meanings behind everything you said.  Did you tell me but I was too self absorbed to realize that you needed me to reach out? You said you liked talking to me because I can make you better, but I guess I didn’t do a good enough job.

I was high when Mason told me.  I was high with Kate, my philosophy teacher, and about to watch a movie.  Maybe it was because of the edible when it felt like the floor dropped out from under me and my world started to spin.  “It's a bad dream” kept bouncing around my head, and suddenly I didn’t know who I was anymore. For a long time my future was only you, I would only dream about you.  But now, what is my future going to be? I have to start from scratch. I told Kate what happened as sobs controlled my entire body. Her mom was too high to understand.

“Who's Austin?”

“He was the One, Ma,” Kate said, horrified as she rubbed my back.  I don't think receiving that news while high made it any better. And now, this is my new dream, because I still can’t let you go:

I am walking back to my house from class, head down, trying not to be noticed.  I cross the street and go towards the big steps that go up to my front door. Only I can’t go up the steps because there is someone sitting there. 

“Hey darlin',” you’d say, as if I should have been expecting you. And this time you would never leave me. 

We used to joke about faking your death and a part of me hopes that they got it all wrong, that Mason doesn’t know the whole story.  But how many days do I have to wait before I see you again? So far it has been 336 days since I last saw you, and I am willing to wait my entire lifetime. 

I think you tried to get me to stop loving you. I wasn't under the delusion that you wouldn't die, I just didn’t think it would be like this.  I know I shouldn’t have let myself love you this much, isn’t that selfish of me? To wish I never felt love, so I don’t feel this emptiness in my chest and the tightness in my throat right now? I reach out to people as if telling everyone will make me feel better, as if I’m searching for someone who will say the right thing and make all of this go away.  But I know that will never happen because I am reaching out for you, and you are no longer my life vest I can hold on to. And now I think, did I let us both drown?

I shouldn't have loved you so much.  I shouldn't have told Devin his friends were hot, I shouldn't have gotten your snapchat and then your number, and I shouldn't have let you be someone I will love forever.  But I guess lives are built on wishes and what ifs. So, Happy Valentines Day my love, I hope you are at peace.

Love always,

Skylar 💓

Sunday February 9, 2020

Austin

I know its too late now but I love

you and maybe Ill see you in the

next life

9:51 AM