Felt but Unspoken

It finally clicked to me when I watched the bride walk away in tears and her friend helped her with the long silken cloth… It was her all this time…

Sorry I lose myself when talking about it again…. It began summers ago when we were young ones,

My friend, Lathlin, and Candace… Ex now because of what I did to her, but maybe for the best.

We met in the end of middle school, where I met Lathlin and introduced her to Candace… I heard the excitement between them, and I was so happy to finally know I had a pair of friends to be with, it wasn’t exactly easy finding close friends for the high school years to come.

That Summertime we were inseparable as can be, always glued to each other whenever possible, Arcade, River Swimming, pretty much anything under the sun…

Candace was an old childhood friend of mine, I always only seen her as a cute girl who I always helped with emotional stuff… She had issues with attachment to people after losing a few puppies as a kid.

Lathlin was a bit reserved, always preferring to show instead of saying when it came to us, she’d show us sea life tidbits and I seen her eyes spark with excitement, whenever Candace and I became enthralled.

We’d always give a hand, whether Lathlin needed help with her math, or Candace with her biology… I always enjoyed being able to help my two friends, they were an interesting pair to say the least.

We were all as close as can be through out high school, but I noticed a small drift happened as graduation crept along, and I was left to mend what was happening between the two girls… it was inevitable that I would be closer to one, and it eventually led to us becoming more…

I never did quite find out what happened between them, all I knew was someone was pissed off or just couldn’t accept something… I know now of course, but I was a dumb high school boy.

I just wish others gave me a heads up, so I wasn’t as dumb…

Lathlin was always able to find some connection with others, yet it was deeper with us because of our youth and promise to help each other whenever possible… promises we kept to the end I suppose... I never regret the promise we made to each other.

We went on with our days afterwards, but I felt like Candace felt at odds with me keeping in contact with Lathlin, I thought it was because she posed some threat, but I seen her and I read it from her body… she was a guilty reminder of their bittersweet friendship, what ever was left of it…

We went our separate ways as we found lines of work, Lathlin going to the Maritimes to find some work with her family out east, and I was left in the prairie town we grew up in… and I felt like there was some emptiness that was left over, like a rock taken out of a pond, soil fresh, yet it of course grew weeds…. But still felt,

I still had Candace by my side, and we eventually got together, I knew she needed to be comforted and protected, she was my best friend after all… I still feel guilty that I never really told her how I felt about her really…

 I did it fearing going alone since Lathlin left…

We got intense at times, yet I knew it once I proposed to her, by that river side where we played… It was to keep her safe, and happy…. Duty from my promise, rather than some love…

Yet I kept that promise to Candace... and only her...

I remember the day I told friends and family of our marriage to come… family joked about the many kids we’d have together, and friends all spoke about our time together and what it meant…. Some even asked if Lathlin would make it since their history together… I knew what they meant by their tones, and it wasn’t something they’d ask outright…

Lathlin was different to the others….

She never replied to my text… instead I got a visit in the evening, and I seen her standing their rain soaked… I smelled it on her breath, and I knew she had been drinking. I sat her down and she looked like she was ready to doze off… which threw off so many alarms bells since she rode here in her little red beetle, rusted on the edges yet still running all these years.

I prepped the couch for her; blankets, pillow, water, and I gave her a towel to dry off…

She spoke mutters only, yet I heard a few words drip through… of course muffled by her drunken sleepiness

“I ..still…” and she passed out.

I remember the glares my fiancée gave her old friend when she passed by the couch… morning sunshine glaring down on her like she was an old plant needing a boost.

I remember sitting across from my fiancée, and I read her uneasiness as to having her over again, since it seemed like a rocky end, yet I reassured her that she needed to be here.

“I don’ t like the idea of her being drunk and dri-“ I said, as Lathlin cut me off

“I aint anymore, you big idiot… pass me the keys and I will be heading off.” And she looked at Candace with… mixed emotions, It was hard to tell as she wiped her eyes groggily.

Candace glanced at her and looked down at the phone pinging away… She walked away muttering about ‘Wedding Plans and family’ and I was left alone with Lathlin…

“So uhh Lathling, what’s going on… in general?” I asked, and I watched her gaze at Candace walking out the room, and she sighed when she left.

“Hey, can we go for… a ride I guess?” Lathlin asked me… I knew she wanted to tell me something major, but I just couldn’t read her properly.

We walked out the door and left out the driveway, riding along the old river side roads… and Lathlin spoke up “so… hows the two of you been going since graduation?” I glanced and she was looking out the window… I told her about the general stuff, but I knew she wasn’t asking about that…

I let her know that things have sorta been the same, but it just felt… off with Candace at the best of times, and rocky at the worst of it…

“Lathlin are you…” but I didn’t need to ask, since I seen the tears streaming down her cheek.

I looked at my old friend, alone from our time together and I pulled over… I walked out and opened her door to go for a walk together… maybe the river would help her open up again.

We walked together for about ten minutes in quiet, until she finally opened, in a quiet soft tone

“I shouldn’t have come… this was a mistake...” and she looked up at me puffy eyed and I let her know

“You can talk about it… We are friends, right?” and she looked guilt…but reassured.

I remember the feelings flew out of her like she never could feel them again… it was a garbled mess of a woman, a friend… A confidant I knew from teen days, and I only knew her pains, what she missed…I held her against her sobs and told her it would be fine, I reminded her of the promises we made to each other… and she sniffled and said, “god you’re such a dork… you still remember that?”

And I knew my mind was made up…. I knew how she felt, and I needed to be there for one of my friends…

A promise was to be kept...

I did my best in the months leading up to the wedding, Lathlin there to help with whatever she could, yet she still looked at candace and I seen her guilt and shame rise… yet Candace seemed like she wanted to renew her friendship, and they became close as could be again… It was like watching embers relight after a long cold night, I felt a tinge of guilt knowing what was to come…

I felt it at times, when I knew what was to come between us three… well I couldn’t say friends anymore because of the denial I made at the wedding…

I was watching my bride to be walk up the aisle… and I felt the gaze of my old friend who looked like she was drowning quietly… and I knew what needed to be done… I remember how Candace spoke of her so highly before, and I knew the friendship would be more than she needed to heal from this… I never felt so guilt yet happy to see her walk away, and Lathlin snapped out of her stupor, and ran after Candace.

As I gazed down aisle, I seen the faces of family looking scorned or just down right concerned… but I seen the faces of friends who knew from high school, what was really going on from the beginning, from the moment these two met…

Lathlin looked back and she looked startled at what I done… and I mouthed to Lathlin

“Keep her safe…”

Friends and I know that they will be happy together...

It just needed a friend to keep a promise…