My Bodacious Girlfriend From Outer Space

It was the end of the frinkin’ world; Armageddon, The Big Ka-Boom, World War I-I-I, you get me? You get me. Imagine your life as a freakin’ Micheal Bay movie. High power explosions everywhere, buildings crashing to the ground, bullets, and missiles practically falling from the sky and aliens invading the planet. Oh, yeah, aliens are totally real, bro. I already knew of their existence when I was like 14 or so. My cousin knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy’s uncle, who got abducted by aliens. Since then, I was a believer in the little, gray dude flying his saucer in the vast, void of space probing anything with an anus. Heh, anus. Well, these aliens weren’t gray, they were more of a violet color, with big yellow eyes, bright green pupils and dark red scaly hair that moved on its own. Freaky, I know. Sure scared me, bro. They just showed up one day, and one thing led to another, and soon their whole armada declared war on the planet. I don’t know why. Personally, I stay out of politics as much as possible, bro. Though I guess I should have paid more attention because one day I was smoking some pot from my bong, the next I wound up as a rookie in the United World Army. 

It was terrible. I always hated war, man. War was such a buzzkill. I didn’t want to shoot alien dudes in the face, I wanted to go back to my apartment and smoke my pot from my favorite bong, yet there I was, with no way of an escape. None of my buddies really got me, you know? I told them I didn’t want to fight, but nobody listened. All they ever did was make fun of me by saying I was a loser and wouldn’t amount to anything. That really hurt, bro. 

Anyway, the government made us wear these really tight, laser proof vests that were super heavy. If that wasn’t uncool enough, they made us carry these guns so heavy I couldn’t even hold it up straight. And they expected me to shoot aliens with that thing? My first mission as a soldier was to go with my company to Icon Parking, a parking garage, only a bridge away from Jersey City. I guess the aliens were using the place as a secret base or something. I don’t know. Terrible secret hideout if our leaders know about it. I guess we were supposed to kick the aliens out and reclaim it for humanity, but I really wasn’t paying attention. I just followed what everyone else was doing. To be honest, I was kind of scared. I never fought in a war before. At least I knew to stay in the back. The people in front of me would serve as protection, and as a distraction if I needed to escape. 

We snuck through the sewers, which was directly underneath the parking garage. The dude who led us climbed up the ladder, carefully moved the manhole cover, and threw out three or four flash grenades. 

Once those puppies went off, all hell broke loose. We all rushed up the ladder one by one, and once we got to the surface, we were greeted by a thick layer of smoke and dirt. It was a complete nightmare! Soon enough, we started taking heavy fire. The whole thing was like a deadly game of dodge-ball. I hated dodge-ball,l so violent, bro. Just like the bright red balls I’ve grown to fear, I could literally feel the bright red lasers from the alien guns miss me by an inch or so. Yes, some lasers even got close enough to burn right through my uniform, but never enough to kill or injure me. 

I took cover behind some cars that looked like they were abandoned for millions of years. The screams and the shootings never seemed to end. It was totally, not cool, bro. I didn’t want to die. I was only 24, there was still so much to do, so much to see. I even cried over the radical things I would miss. It was then when I noticed how quiet and still everything became. No more shots, no more lasers, no more dudes crying out in pain, just a deathly silence. That meant we won, right? Right? 

I poked my head out to see if it was safe. Out of the smoke and rubble came the most beautiful and sexiest girl I’ve ever seen in my life! She was an alien, but I didn’t care. She looked super hot with her tight purple armor. Her eyes, although threatening, were really pretty looking. Her scaly crimson hair gracefully swayed from side to side. 

She turned to my direction, and I knew she saw me by the look in her eyes. I ducked behind the car, hoping the feeling was just in my head, but then I heard the steps from her heels come closer towards me. With a few more steps, she was directly in front of me!

“Don’t shoot me, bro, please!” I begged with my hands in the air. “I come in peace!”

She glared at me and yelled. She was talking in her alien language so I had no idea what she was saying. The language sounded like it was made out of “ers” and “angs.” It was only when I gave her a confused expression did she lowered her gun for a moment so she could press something on her neck.

“Ahem!” she said with a hint of nervousness in her voice. “Can you understand me now?”

I shook my head. She raised her gun back up.

“Why should I even believe you?” she said, I noticed a hint of nervousness in her voice. “You like, killed all my friends!"

“Well, you killed my friends first,” I pointed out. 

“Huh, touche,” she lowered the gun for a moment to bring right back up. 

“To be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to be a part of this war in the first place,” I explained. 

“Really? 

“Cha. Fighting in a war is a real buzzkill.” 

“For sure,” she lowered the gun. “I don’t believe in war either. My stupid dad forced me to join.”

“Sounds to me, your dad is a total chad,” I remarked. 

“He is. He is like so unreasonable and totally doesn’t understand me.”

“Whoa!” I said, amazed, “I wish I knew big words like that. You must be smart!”

“Why thank you,” she said with a giggle. “Why did you guys go to war with us anyways.”

“Wait,” I said. “I thought you guys declared war on us!

“We did?” she placed her finger under her chin. “I don’t know. Maybe we did. I really don’t get into politics it’s such a buzzkill, you know?”

“Cha. Same here.” I couldn’t believe it. I only knew for like five seconds and already discovered we had so much in common.

“What’s your name?” I asked her.

“Valraha, what’s yours?”

“Name’s Vincent.”

“Vincent. Hey, our names start with the same letter!”

“Oh, wow! They do!

We looked at each other. It was then we knew that we were made for each other. Shoot, we even talked the same!.

“So, what do you want to do?” I asked.

“How about we get out of this dump and never come back?”

“Sounds like a plan. Do you have a ship?”

“Follow me,” she said with a smile.

***

Riding in a UFO is the coolest! The ship was exactly like the ones in those old black-and-white movies they show on TV.

“Ready to say goodbye to this dump?” Valrhaha asked, her hand resting on a lever. 

Suddenly, I realized something. My mind panicked. I had gone for so long without it, I completely forgot!

“Wait!” I said. “Can you make a quick stop at my place, I need to get something!”

“What is it?” she asked. 

“No, time to explain,” I told her. “Please, I promise I’ll be super quick!”

“Where’s your place at?”

I told her my address, and she punched it into the machine as fast as she could. 

According to the ship’s GPS, we were halfway there when out of nowhere, a hologram appeared on what I think was the dashboard. The face was similar to Valrhaha except uglier and with a double chin. Metals of various shapes and sizes decorated his large suit.

He yelled at Valhara in words I could not understand. Valhara pressed her finger deep in her neck and then started yelling back in the same alien tongue. I didn’t need a translater to know that they were duking it out. 

Valhara placed her hands all over me, my chest, face, arms, hands, and legs. She then did something I didn’t expect. She kissed me right on the check and shouted some words at the decorated alien. 

The alien responded with a loud spit, and his hologram disappeared off the dashboard. 

“Ugg!” Valhara exclaimed after pressing her neck. 

“Who was that?” I asked.

“My father,” she said with rage. “He just doesn’t get us, you know?”

“Cha, I know.”

The site of my apartment came into view. 

“Right there!” I said, pointing to the building sandwiched between a leaning office complex and the head of that big, green lady who holds a torch and a book. Valhara parked right next to my shattered apartment window. She parked close enough for me to jump out of the ship, through the window and into my apartment. 

The whole place was way messier before I was drafted. The walls were cracked and slanted, and the floor was more like a slope than a flat surface. Debris, rubble, and garbage covered the entire floor. I felt the crunches as I stepped over potato chip bags and crumpled up papers. I groaned. I was afraid I wouldn’t find it. Right when I was about to give up, my feet tapped on something plastic. I looked down, and there it was! 

My beautiful bright green bong stood proudly among trash and rubble. To my amazement it still had a fair amount of pot left inside it! I picked it up and gave it a big hug. I even kissed it, but my happiness was short-lived. Suddenly I heard a great explosion from outside. It sounded close. 

“Vincent, get it in!” I heard Valhara shout. 

“Coming!” I told her. I rushed over and hoped my way back out of the window and into the Valhara’s ship. When plopped into my seat, I looked outside. A whole line of army tanks was pointed directly at us, while in the distance, I could see jet planes coming in fast! 

“Punch it!” I shouted. One of the missiles hit us, but it only caused the ship to wobble from side to side. A second tank fired. Valhara pushed the lever forward, and the missile missed us by just a hair. 

“Hold on!” she exclaimed. She placed her hand over a yellow ball on the dashboard and titled the ship up to the sky. I felt so sick, I nearly barfed right there in my seat. Valhara went back to the lever again and slightly pushed forward. I could hear the ship’s engines revving up. This was going to be epic! 

Suddenly a green laser hit my side of the ship. I looked to the left to see the whole UFO headed straight for us! 

“Valhara…” I said with fear in my voice. 

“Not now,” she replied. 

Ka-zap! 

We were hit a second time! Alarms started to beep, and all the lights began to flash a bright red. The UFOs were gaining on us, the leader of the pack charging its lasers for a final kill. I’m not an expert in UFOs, but I don’t think we could have survived one more blast. 

“Here...we...go!” 

Valhara pressed a button on the lever, and we were off in a flash. 

The darkness of space surrounded us. The only lights came from the stars zooming past us. Valhara looked at me, shouted a hearty “YAHOOO!” and made sweet love to me right then and there. It was pure heaven! 

So, that’s my story, bro. That’s how I met my bodacious girlfriend from outer space. So, yeah, that’s my story. Not bad for my first time trying out this language translator thing on an alien other than Valhara. Personally, I find this translator device inside my neck a bit uncomfortable, but, eh, when in Rome. Anyway, she and I still travel the galaxy together. Nothing beats the feeling of being free. Especially since we’re far from those bogus wars on earth, and all the people who totally don’t get us. You get me? Yeah, you get me. Alright, bro, peace!