Perennial

Trigger warning: mentions of domestic abuse

There’s a child in front of him. They’re looking around his office in awe at how unreal it seems, which is to be expected. His office is literally made out of clouds.

“Hi,” he waves when the child finally notices his presence, offering a small smile when they wave back enthusiastically, the usual response. “Can you sit down in that seat please?” he asks, like usual, pointing at the fluffy cloud shaped into a seat in front of his desk.

The child obediently sits, sinking in the cloud. He feels bile rise up in his throat, the pit in his stomach growing bigger than it was before the child entered his office. He clears his throat, attempting a friendly smile.

“Is your name Lily Fletcher?” he asks, like usual, looking at the file of the child currently on his desk. “And are you 8 years old?” Her eyes widen comically as she nods in surprise. “How did you know?” she asks.

“Well,” he hesitates, “I… know a lot of things.” 

“You must be smart!” The child giggles, clapping her hands together in such a cute way it breaks his soul in little pieces. “Mommy always told me that people who know a lot of things are smart.” There’s a look of realization on her face as she looks around herself in a state of panic. “Where’s Mommy? Where’s Lavender?”

He bites on his lip hard at the sight of the panicked girl. “Lily…”

“Mister?” the little girl looks so close to crying and it makes him uneasy and nervous. “Do you know where my sister and mommy are?” A tear slides down her cheek, making him grab tissues from a tissue box on his desk and hand them to her, his mind going into turmoil. This wasn’t his first time dealing with crying humans, but he still felt the same alarm and dismay. The feeling rattled him. He could feel his hands trembling as he waited for the child to take the tissues.

“Don’t cry,” he pauses here as the girl blows loudly into the tissue, “your family is fine.”

“Are you sure?” she sniffles, sending him teary eyes. “How would you know?”

“I know a lot of things.”

There’s a moment of silence as the girl blows once more into the tissue, wiping her snot away. 

“So,” he begins, voice soft (after all this is a child he’s dealing with), “have you calmed down?”

She nods, relaxing a bit into the chair she’s sitting on. 

“Okay,” he glances at the file before looking at the girl’s slightly red face. “Who do you live with?”

The child nods again. He notices her squeeze the snotty tissue she’s clutching in her fist. “I live with my mommy and my sister Lavender. We were happy without him.” The girl pauses at this, frowning. “He left a long time ago. I only remember Mommy crying.”

“Who is this he?” he asks, even though he already knows. This poor, little girl. 

“He was… my daddy. He isn’t anymore.” He can see the tension and apprehension on her face.

“What do you mean when you say that he isn’t your daddy?” He wants to zip his mouth shut.

“Well, he and Mommy were fighting and…” she shivers, a look of dread appearing, “he… hit Mommy, and there was so much yelling.”

“Did he leave?” He wants to move on.

“I think so.”

“Do you still love him?” He wants to punch himself.

The little girl doesn’t answer.

“Lily?” He wants to sink into the ground.

“Do I have to answer?” she asks, fidgeting in her seat. The atmosphere has turned stuffy for him.

“If you know the answer to my question, then yes I would prefer for you to answer.” He wants to die.

There’s more fidgeting before her shoulders sag and her head hangs. 

“No,” the little girl whispers. “I don’t love him.”

“Can I ask why?” He wants to cry and laugh at the same time.

“He…” she sighs. “He hurt Mommy and made her cry. He was mean to me and Lavender too.”

He’s silent, nodding softly. The girl seems ashamed of her answer, looking like she’s going to cry again.

“Mister, is it bad that I don’t love that man anymore?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “You shouldn’t be forced to love anyone you don’t want to love.”

She looks relieved. “So I’m not a bad person?”

“In my opinion, you aren’t a bad person.”

“Do Lavender and Mommy think I’m a bad person?” 

“You’ll have to ask them yourself.”

“But… that’s scary,” the child murmurs, looking down at her feet. He follows her gaze. She has on a pair of light-pink Sketchers. “What if they don’t give me the answer I want?”

He reaches over and gives her head an awkward pat. “I’m one hundred percent sure that they don’t think you’re a bad person just because you stopped loving that man.”

The girl beams as if she’s been given everything she’s ever wanted. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Thanks, Mister!” she cheerfully exclaims, clapping her hands together. She’s glowing a faint white but hasn’t seemed to realize it yet. The girl runs around his desk to give him the biggest hug he’s ever received in all the years he’s been working at this stupid job.

He’s startled by the hug, but wraps his arms around the small girl, patting the back of her head. She’s practically vibrating in his arms, all jittery with excitement. 

“Did you have any regrets?” he asks when they part, squatting down to her height.

“I did, but now I don’t.”

“So you regretted not loving that man?”

“Yeah, but you worked your magic and helped me!”

“All a part of the job.” It pains him to say that.

“You must make a lot of people happy,” the girl remarks, reaching up for his hand. He lets her take it as he leads the two of them towards the big white door behind his desk. “What is this?”

“There’s a surprise on the other side of the door,” he’s never wanted to slap himself more than ever. “Your mommy and sister are waiting for you.”

“Wow, really?” The pure happiness in the girl’s eyes makes a huge wave of guilt crash over him. “Okay then. Thanks for the talk, Mister!”

She lets go of his hand and runs towards the door, grabbing the handle. Before turning the handle, the child turns around to him and waves, smiling. Her face is glowing and all sunny.

He waves back, a sense of relief overwhelming his guilt. He can practically feel his wings itching to breathe, to be free. If there's anything he feels, it doesn’t show on his face as he watches the girl turn back towards the door.

Lily pushes the door open, and steps into the light.