My Lake

The sun had just started to appear in the sky. It grew out from the lake, glinting off the water’s surface and turning the whole body yellow, orange and pink. It looked magical, like a portal to another universe. I had always been a morning person, for exactly this reason. The lake by my house always turns into something that looked like it belonged in a book that romanticized real life, it would take me through the looking glass and into Wonderland, where I could meet Alice and the Mad Hatter and live a much less mundane and much more exciting life. It was an unfortunate fact that I couldn’t swim, otherwise I would have tried my luck by now.

Next to me, Lucy was yawning. She always swore that she was a morning person, but I knew that she only said it so that she could come with me and not have to be alone in my house, with my parents. She detested them, I was never quite sure where these profound feelings of hatred came from, but she always swore that if she could, she would run away with me and never have to see them again. I knew that would never happen though, I was much too scared of the unknown.

“Can we go home now? I really want some coffee,” Lucy said, opening her mouth for the first time that morning, and in the process further proving to me that she should never be awake before noon.

“You know you can’t drink coffee, it isn’t good for either of us,” I replied. In truth, I just wanted to finish watching the sunrise. I wanted to carry on thinking that Alice would come and pull me down the rabbit hole with her and I wouldn’t have to be so bored all the time. It was another sad truth that I knew if this ever did happen, I would fight against going with her, for the same reason that I haven’t yet run away with Lucy.

“And plus, my parents are probably awake by now, are you up for a little chat that’ll last at least an hour?” I said, turning to face her. The way her face fell and her lips moved up into a slight grimace let me know that I could turn back to the sunrise and continue my daydream, at least until she got hungry.

-

By 8am, Lucy and my rumbling stomach had finally succeeded in convincing me that home was the place to be right now. I reluctantly walked home, making sure it took 30 minutes instead of the usual 15, all the while putting up with Lucy voicing every single thought that came into her head.

“It looks like Autumn is finally here, look at all the crunchy leaves we can step on”, “I think that we should have cheese on a bagel when we get home, I hope we have bagels, “Can cats fall in love.”

It was annoying. Sometimes all that I wished for was for Lucy to leave me alone. I could never be alone, she always had to be there with her annoying high pitched voice that made her sound like a teenager and her red hair that was sometimes so bright that it hurt my eyes, but I knew that she would always be with me. I couldn’t get rid of her, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted too. It wasn’t love, but it couldn’t really be called anything else.

“It’s love, Robbi, because I love you,” she said, looking at me with her wide brown eyes.

Somehow she always knew exactly what I was thinking.

As soon as I walked through the dark oak door, with its dusty knocker shaped like a lion, I was greeted by yelling. My parents were arguing, again. Always arguing.

“I don’t know where she is, Daniel,” I heard my mom, almost crying, “she always leaves without telling me, and she refuses to go back to that damn therapist.”

“Well, then we make her, she’s twenty, she can’t continue wasting her life away anymore. It stops now!” my dad yelled, immediately stopping and turning to me to smile as I walked through into the kitchen.

They both looked at me expectantly, like they were waiting for my input on the subject matter, since I “always had an opinion of everything”, as they would put it. It wasn’t me that always had the opinion though, it was Lucy, I just had to voice it for her. Today though, she said she was far too hungry to have anything to say at the moment.

“Hello honey, went to see the sunset?” My mom asked, giving me a nervous looking smile.

I only nodded, then went around them to start making breakfast.

“So,” my dad started, “you ready for your appointment today? I think Doctor Natalie has some great new ideas for you.”

Lucy laughed at this, and said, “Doctor Nutty has some great new methods of torture, huh?”

I couldn’t help but laugh along with her, earning a worried look from my parents. I rolled my eyes, bit into my stale bagel and walked out of the kitchen.

“Appointment’s at 11, be ready!” my mom shouted at me as Lucy and I walked into my room, and slammed the door shut.

-

“So, Robyn, your parents tell me that you’re sneaking out again?” Dr Natalie started, readying her pen and paper. She always wrote down exactly what I say, word for word. I honestly think that she’s just never had a patient like me, or Lucy.

Lucy was sat next to me on the ugly blue couch in Natalie’s office. She always saw me at her house, she believed that it would make me more ‘comfortable’, but I still never really told her the truth. At least, not the whole truth.

“I don’t get why they call it sneaking out,” I said, lighting a cigarette, “I’m twenty years old, I don’t have to tell them everything I do.”

“Have you ever thought about talking to them about this, in a mature way?” She asked me, scribbling this dialogue down in her little notepad, I’d bet that there are at least 5 pages with this exact same conversation on them.

I rolled my eyes at her answer, and Lucy snickered. I glanced at her, taking a long inhale and watching the smoke drift from my mouth, trying to ignore the Dr talking. I had heard it all before, but no one ever listens to me. Ironic, considering what she’s trying to talk to me about.

“I’ve also been told that you’re hearing voices again,” this stunned me, “can you tell me about that?”

“I swear, she talks to your parents more than she talks to us,” Lucy looked angry, giving Natalie a spiteful glare and picking up a cigarette of her own. She copies me with everything.

“I don’t hear voices, I just have a strong subconscious.”

This was the last thing that I wanted to talk about, and I was going to do everything I could to waste time and finish this appointment.

“You know, the human mind is a powerful thing. We always tend to listen to the voices in our heads rather than the ones around us. You need to understand that we all just want what’s best for you-“

I didn’t hear the rest of this speech. I didn’t want to. I spent the rest of the time staring at Lucy. I feel like I’m always staring at her. It’s not that she’s necessarily very pretty, or at all captivating, but she put me under this sort of trance. The way she smoked, and rolled her eyes whenever the doctor said the words “coping” or “you’re not insane”, and laughed. It was ethereal. I would never tell her this though, if she ever thought for even a moment that I spent any time at all thinking about her, I would never hear the end of it.

Five minutes left, and then I can go, five minutes and then-

“Your parents and I have decided that we think it best if you go back on medication.”

I turned towards Natalie, ready to scream, cry, yell at her, but my mouth opened and nothing came out.

Finally, I managed to say, “I don’t want to do that.”

She gave me a pitiful smile, and only said, “Let’s meet in the middle on this one, okay?”

I didn’t really know what this meant, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to throw a tantrum like I was nine again and my mom didn’t buy me the candy that I wanted. But I could only sit in silence.

Lucy threw a fit for me, she didn’t stop screaming until that night, when I took my first dose.

-

The moon was shining like an orb of pure light. It looked almost like an eye of some deity, watching over in the night sky. It reflected off the lake and turned the whole area a pure silver. The water was completely still, allowing the reflection to remain untouched. That lake, my lake, always looked like an otherworldly portal.

I was alone this time; Lucy left the same night that I started my medication. I really didn’t want to say it, but I missed her. I missed her so much that grief racked my body, I always felt ill, like I was missing a whole part of myself. I knew it was for the best, but it hurt. I would never ever tell anyone that though, I could barely admit it to myself.

I started walking home when the moon was directly above my head. I found myself stepping on every leaf that I saw, because I knew Lucy would have wanted to. I missed her incessant yapping, but not a lot. For the first time in my life, all that I heard was silence. Complete and deafening, I was alone. I didn’t mind it.