The Great, Excellent Howard!

I get out of my beat-up truck, slamming the door closed for it to stay sealed. I looked at the house the GPS had led me to. It seems like another rich kid's party... "Great," I sigh as I walk to the door with the briefcase of all my magician tricks and gear. I wear my wizard robe and pointy hat; the children usually love the costume. The robe is a bit tattered, and the hat is slightly crooked, but it adds to the charm. I knock on the door as I hear the screaming from the backyard. I already know this isn't going to be a great party.

The doorknob jiggles, and this ridiculous, pompous woman opens the door. She snarls as she looks me up and down. In a skeptical tone, she says, "You're the great, amazing wizard Howard?" "That's me! The one and only—Great, Excellent Howard!" I say in the most happy, cheerful tone I can muster for this woman, even though the lady knows it's fake. She looks at me weirdly but just opens the door, stepping aside and letting me in. "They're in the backyard," she says, pointing to the sliding glass door. I only give her a nod as I walk into the house, open the back door, and freeze, seeing a bunch of teenagers in the yard. What's worse than a spoiled child's birthday party? A spoiled teenager's birthday party!

I curse to myself as I walk to the area already set up for me. I set the briefcase on the chair, pop it open, and start prepping my act. All the teenagers are playing what looks like a war game with water guns and balloons. I bring out the magic cards, ropes, and other props. The kids aren't even paying attention to me until I feel cold water hit me in the face. I look up and see a teenage boy laughing as he runs off. I grab my hat off my head. Frustrated, I throw it on the chair beside him, wiping off my face as I begin my show.

"Come, ladies and gentlemen, and watch the excellent Howard as I show you tricks of another world!" I yell loudly, trying to get these preteens' attention. None of them even look over to me as I start the show. They continue playing World War Three water fights. The mother I met at the front door yells, "Get your butts over there!" The teens look at the one that threw the water balloon at my face. He shrugs, comes over, and sits down in front of me. The woman mutters to one of the other parents as she walks into the kitchen, "I paid money for this magician, so they better watch this whole show, or I'm demanding my deposit back."

All the teens begrudgingly sit down. I can see them all snicker, pointing at me and obviously thinking I'm a joke already. I go to the group leader since he's the birthday boy with a button on his shirt that his mom probably made him wear. I shuffle a deck of cards, spreading them out before him. "Pick a card," I say. He reaches out and grabs a card, shows his friends, and puts it back in the deck. I fumble the cards, pretend I mean to, and dramatically reveal the top card. "Is this your card?" They all start to laugh as I'm about to put the card away, proud that the trick finally worked for once. Turning back to the chair, I hear him say, "No, that wasn't it." I look confused for a second, looking at the card and needing to play it off, pulling off the next card. "Oh, sorry. Is this your card?" They all laugh again. "No, are you even a magician?" Some of the other teens say the same thing: "He's no magician." "I could probably do that trick better than him." "He can't even do the trick right."

Despite the teens' disrespect, I soldier on, wiping my sweaty palms on my robes, ready for this to be over. I show them my empty hat, determined to impress. "You see, nothing is in my hat, but watch as I pull something out of nothing!" I start pulling the colorful, small silk scarves out of it. One teen yells, "There's a hidden compartment in the hat. This isn't magic, either." And the trick is over just like that. The mother behind them comes out. She was clearly watching from the window before this and was annoyed as she tapped her foot. The kids start booing me as I pull out some rings to show another trick. The birthday boy yells, "You're done!" He starts slinging water balloons that are hidden behind his back. The water drips from my face as I pack, muttering to myself how much I hate teens. At least when toddlers watch, they clap at anything that happens. I leave in a hurry as the teens return to play their game.

Later that night, my friends and I are at the bar. I sit there nursing my whiskey after telling them what happened at the party. After I finish my story, one of them pipes up, "You know what's wrong with the world? These kids have no imagination in them these days." I think for a moment, then nod. "Yeah, you're right. Every trick I did today ended up with them laughing at me in the wrongest ways. I've got another one lined up tomorrow. Hopefully, this one's better than today's." They all wish me luck. "Is it another preteen's birthday?" I shake my head. "All I know is they want to meet at the park benches. It's probably another wealthy mother setting it up again, thinking I'm a cool wizard." One pats my back. "Well, be careful. I've heard a lot of weird stuff happening in the woods." I roll my eyes, thinking it is another of his dumb stories. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine."

The next day, I head into the park where the benches are. I see that no one is here yet, so I start setting my props up, thinking the party is just late. I look in my case for a second, and when I look up, two grown men are sitting at the table before me. One is sniffing the air around us, and the other one is muttering strange words to the other. I look around, then at them, and ask, "Are you here for the birthday party?" They just silently watch me for a few seconds. They are unnaturally still, and the way they blink reminds me more of a reptile than a human. I look around, looking for any kids, but I see none. I ask them again, "Are you here for a party?" Simultaneously, they nod. This is a weird situation for something to happen on a sunny day at the park.

The one on the left speaks first; his voice pitches high but lowers as he says. "You are the world's strongest wizard, aren't you?" I nod slowly. "Well, it depends on who asks. I fought a hard battle yesterday with a preteen and his witch of a mother. If you know what I mean," They gave no other feedback as I awkwardly laugh, trying to break the tension. They pay me to be here, so I start with my tricks. I spread my cards in front of me, telling them to pick one. The one on the right takes a card, looks at it, and holds it like he's never seen this trick. "Now memorize it and put it back into the deck." He stares at me as he slides it back into the deck. I start to shuffle the deck. "So, where are you guys from?" A strong wind blows, and some fall out of my hands, hitting one in the face. The one assaulted by a card hisses, and the other growls at me. I raise my hands and then quickly pick up the cards. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to. The wind came and blew them out of my hand."

I feel their demeaning stares as I struggle to recollect myself from this disaster. I set aside the deck of cards and clear my throat to gain enough composure to look them back in the eyes, readying for my next trick. "What's that behind your ear?" I pull out a quarter. "Wow, a coin!" I try to act like they are just some overgrown children. He stares at the coin like it's from another dimension; feeling behind his ear, he takes it, puts it in his mouth, and swallows it. I pause, staring at him, wanting to be professional, but his skin starts to pale. "Spit that out. It's not candy!" I yelled at him, confused as to why he did that, as he chokes. I look at his friend, hoping he will do something, then back at the choking man; something changes in his eyes. They look like cat eyes, little yellow slits. His buddy stares at me in horror, seeing this as if I forced him to eat the coin. "I'll call the ambulance. They'll know what to do!" taking my phone out, but the guy tries to grab me, his skin turning pale and glossy, his eyes morphing into cat-like pupils. I take a step back out of his reach. "As soon as we dispose of you, nothing will stop our kind wizard." His mouth stretches, and tentacles start coming from them, more demon than human. I grab my wand, waving it at him like a sword, but the cap falls off, and flowers spring out. Startled, the man trips on the bench and falls, lying unconscious. Stunned by what happened, I stare at the two and then call the police.

I found out later that day the "people" were demons sent to kill me, thinking I was an actual wizard who was protecting the world from invasion. Not knowing magic really saved my life, and with a badge of honor given to me by the president, I have more birthday parties to go to than I can count.