Should I stay or should I go?

"Well, this is it." Connor declared, shifting the car to park mode.

Nila made a surprised sound, squeezing my hand tighter. She hadn't let go of it for the entire ride.

I raised it to my lips and pressed a kiss into it. Nila chewed on her lip, nodding wordlessly.

She seemed less emotional than she had last night.

"Are you getting out or what?" Connor demanded, raising an eyebrow at me in the rearview mirror. "Or do you have second thoughts about running away?"

"Connor." Nila glared at him, and I waved her off.

"It's okay. Connor," I leaned around his seat. "I'm not running away-"

He didn't look at me.

Connor scoffed, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. "Yeah, tell yourself-"

"And I'll miss you too." I interrupted, slapping a hand against his arm. "Bye."

Nila laughed wetly.

I waited for him to say something. Something to acknowledge the end of our ten-year friendship, our partnership fighting side by side.

"Get the hell out of my car." Connor snapped, and I sighed.

"Fine, dumbass."

"Coward." Connor rolled his eyes, and I swung open my door.

The noise of the street flooded at us, the shouts, honks, the clamour of people and life. I breathed it in, inhaling the smog of the city, popping the trunk of the car to get my stuff.

Nila had stepped out as well, and she closed her eyes for a moment, frozen in the weak, diffused light of the street and blanketed in the smoke.

She was beautiful, dark and ethereal amongst the filth of this world. I stared at her, dropping a suitcase to the ground.

The sound snapped her out of it, and she smiled tightly, rearranging her lilac coat around herself.

I blinked at the empty trunk for a few moments, checking and double-checking that I wasn't leaving anything.

"Shall we?" Nila asked, picking up one of the bags.

"You don't have to come with me," I said, already dreading the tears. It would break my heart to get on the train like that.

"I'm saying goodbye properly." Nila declared, jutting her chin out.

We stared at each other for a few moments, until I caved, rubbing my eyes.

"Alright." I conceded, smiling as she took my hand. When we approached the double doors, I turned back once more.

Connor was leaning against the car, a cigarette at his lips. He looked irritated, but grim too.

I waited for something. Something other than anger.

Connor continued impassively smoking.

"He'll miss you, he's just being an ass." Nila shook her head.

"I know, I just want to commit his assholery to memory, so I don't miss him too much," I muttered, making her laugh.

"Train's going to be here in twelve minutes." Nila blushed when I turned to her. "Sorry," She ran a hand through her short, fluffy curls. "I don't know why I'm-"

Because we'd never had a goodbye unless one of us was about to die.

Never said, I'll see you later.

"It's okay." I took her hand, noting the bruise on her chin, and the way the scars on our hands almost matched up. "I feel guilty..."

The words were impossible to say. Was I doing the right thing? Returning to a family that I'd buried? Instead of staying with the family that had saved my life?

"I can't believe I'm doing this." I said, breathing out slowly.

"You deserve to be happy." Nila narrowed her eyes at me. "I know it's hard, but you have a family. You don't need- you've sacrificed enough."

"So have you," I argued, and Nila stared at me, eyes soft and watery.

"Okay, come on, you're getting cold feet, but I heard you. You want out. This is healthy, you're choosing to be happy." Nila smiled again, her finger tracing over the raised scar on my hand.

"And I'm leaving all of you here, to fight it out without me." I scoffed, shaking my head. "It's- it's selfish."

"Do you have any idea how lucky you are? They survived. They're waiting for you, in a happy place, without all of-" Nila shook back her sleeve, gesturing at the bandaged cut on her arm. "This. This is all we have, but you have the chance to have more."

"I don't want to leave you," I murmured, watching her pull her sleeve back up.

Nila nodded, brushing some hair out of my eyes. She seemed like she didn't know what to say.

"I'll see you again," Nila promised, then glanced at the cracked watch on her wrist. "Four minutes."

The smile on her face was forced, but the way her lip trembled was real.

I knew this girl, and I had no idea why she was trying to fool me.

"You trying to get rid of me?" I asked, making her laugh as I grinned.

"Yes, you've seen through my evil plan." Nila giggled, eyes full of tears. "I want you to be happy and safe."

Then Nila laughed softly, eyes unfocused. "You wouldn't be a part of this world, if you thought they were still dead."

I didn't know where she was going with that. So I waited, a frown on my face.

Nila placed a hand on my chest, swallowing thickly. "And they're alive. There's no need for you to keep going or anything."

There was a need. I stared at her, wanting her to know that she was more than enough reason.

My comrades dying without me, was more than enough reason.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched the white, metallic train barrel into the station.

"It's here." Nila seemed almost surprised, looking between it and me. "Huh, uh, you want to-we should find your seat."

She held my hand as we pushed past the crowds towards the train. Plenty of ordinary humans were boarding it too, sensing somehow that a war was coming.

That these moments of calm were going to be short-lived.

"What am I doing?" I asked, stopping in the middle of the platform.

"Emily just turned twenty-two." Nila said, and I turned to her.

My sister was twenty-two. The last time I'd seen her, she was a short, acne-riddled twelve year old.

"She has kids. One named Malcolm, after you, and a daughter." Nila reminded me of my words when I got that letter. "She's been terrified and grieving this whole time."

"I know." I nodded.

"They need you." Nila squeezed my arm. "They're the whole reason we met. You've carried the burden all these years, and you get a chance to be free."

"You should hate me," I told her, and Nila scoffed.

"Really? Telling me that after you made me fall for you?" She elbowed me, making us both laugh.

"It's too late for me," Nila muttered ruefully. "Get on the damn train, Malcolm. I'll- when it's over, I'll come visit."

If she survived. If any of them did.

"I love you." I said, pulling her into a kiss. There was more I should say, more I should at least try to say.

But I didn't know where to begin.

"You're going to miss your train." Nila scolded, wiping off her tears. "Go."

I took the other bag from her, and slowly moved away.

Through the window, I saw her, head tilted back, eyes closed as she breathed deeply.

In and out, a shaky exhale after each one.

The train rattled as it started to move. But Nila didn't look at it, her eyes fixed to the side.

"Here." I offered her a tissue and she stared at me, eyes wide.

The bag almost fell off my shoulder when she punched my arm.

"Oh, you idiot." Nila looked behind me at the departing train. "What is wrong with-"

"I cannot leave you. I can't leave any of you." I laughed ruefully. "Turns out...it's too late for me, I already, fell for you, you see."

"That is a problem." Nila laughed, her deep eyes crinkled. "You-"

I raised an eyebrow. Now, who's lost for words. "I know, I know."

We left the platform, her hand wrapped around mine.

For a moment, I did think of the leaving train. Of my family.

They would just have to be okay until I ended this.

"What the hell?" Connor frowned, arms crossed as we exited. "Seriously?"

"How long were you standing here?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"A few years, the war is over, how's your family?" Connor tilted his head at me. "What'd you say to him?" He asked Nila.

"Nothing." Nila rolled her eyes.

I was the one with too much to say. "Just start the car, will you?"

"This is bloody unbelievable," Connor growled, storming around the car. "After we already threw you a goddamn going away party too."

"Oh please." I felt like my eyes would get stuck in the back of my head based on how much I rolled them. "You've been whining about this since the second I got that letter."

Nila made an annoyed noise, frowning. "Guys, can we please just be happy that-"

"It's just like you, you ass. You have to be the dramatic one." Connor started the car. "Get everyone all excited about getting rid of you and suddenly change your mind."

"I'm so sorry to break your heart, Connor." I sneered, throwing my arms out. "Somehow, I'll-"

"-like I'd believe anything you'd say now-"

"Can you two shut up?" Nila snapped, and Connor turned around, eyebrows raised.

I turned to her, arms crossed.

"Finally." Nila blushed, but stayed stern. "You can both tell each other how relieved you are later-"

"I'm really not-" Connor started.

"-honestly, I'm thinking of catching the next train out-"

"Shut up!" Nila slammed her hand down on the cup holder, causing part of the plastic to pop out.

"Now look what you've done." Connor said bravely, and I snickered at the furious look on Nila's face.

Nila gave up on her irritation and burst into laughter, setting us all off.

"Let's just get home." I told Connor, and he nodded, pulling out of the station.

Home.