Forgiveness

Forgiveness

“What time are they coming?” he asked angrily, as if it was the bailiff coming to repossess their house.

“You know what time. You’re just being annoyed because you don’t want them to come” she replied holding a wine glass up to the light and rubbing an imaginary mark on the glass. “And you haven’t actually shown any interest in helping me to get it all ready”.

“Don’t start for heaven’s sake, I’ve been asking you what you want me to do” he retorted watching her trying to fold the napkins into swans to pop into the glasses, and ending up with an unrecognisable shape.

“Oh damn” she said throwing the napkin onto the table. “They can have rectangles next to their knives” and she stormed off.

He followed her into the kitchen, wanting to voice his opinion but knowing that if he did they would end up having a ‘last minute discussion’!

“Ok” he began “I know this means a lot to you and I will support you the best I can. I find it hard to offer a white flag, a hand of friendship, after what happened – you really do have a very forgiving heart – so if it means that much to you then I’ll try - promise”, and he sat down at the kitchen table rubbing his brow at the thought of entertaining ‘them’ tonight!

“Do you mean that? She probed, not completely believing him, after his reaction to bumping into them at the movies. She continued “I expect after the initial awkwardness when they first arrive, it will in a way be like old times, and that’s all I want - like they did in the olden days, break bread together and cleanse your souls!”

On hearing that last sentence, Tommy walked outside to have a cigarette.

Apart from the unfortunate event of bumping into them after the James Bond movie when the lights came on, it had been eight years since the ‘incident’.

There had been a death in the family and although they didn’t attend the funeral because they were overseas, Jenny had the ‘forgive and forget’ feeling that can often inexplicably penetrate your heart after a death, soften your resolve to ‘get on with life and start afresh’. She had actually forgiven John not long after what happened because she knew if he had of been sober it would never have happened. With her sister it took a bit longer – she always had been a terrible drunk, dramatic and ‘over the top’ but the slap…..

It had taken some time to convince her husband that they should welcome them back into the house and their lives, and even longer to let them eat at the same table as him, but he eventually agreed, especially as his wife had been through a major health problem where he thought he might lose her. After she was well again Jenny had a different perspective on life, and forgiving and loving your sister and brother-in-law was one thing she felt she had to do.

Jenny was nervous about tonight. She knew her husband well and it wouldn’t take much for him to change from ‘I’ll try’ to ‘I never want them to set foot inside this house again!’ It was never easy for her because her loyalties were pulled in different directions. On the one hand she could understand how Tommy felt, seeing his wife being ‘man handled’ and effectively assaulted. She knew how the incident had affected him, but she also loved her sister - the fact that Liz had put the blame onto her for what happened, gave Tommy reason to not only dislike John but Liz too.  She had been glad that they had moved away for a few years, it made it so much easier than always fearing you would bump into them somewhere. Of course it had been difficult for her Mum, after all Liz was her daughter too.

After the death of her Grandma and then meeting again unexpectedly as they did, things changed for her, she had long forgiven both John and Liz and missed her only sister so felt that she needed to do this tonight.

Jenny was very thankful for something though, and that was the fact that her children weren’t here tonight, just in case it didn’t go the way she wanted it to, they were staying at her mother’s house for the night. They were still very young and didn’t need to know about any of this. She might tell them one day. Her children knew they had an Aunt and Uncle overseas and that they had recently returned home but that’s all. It was a ‘one off’ incident, a long time ago, and she would rather keep it that way.

“Tommy” she called out, needing help in the kitchen. She was usually quite a calm person but was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed momentarily and wondering why she had actually organised it at all. She really knew the answer to that but felt a little rattled by the thought that it could all go horribly wrong.

Her husband walked through the doorway – he didn’t have a happy look on his face - more an expression of resignation.

“Yep?” he asked slightly nonplussed. He could tell that Jenny was getting a bit uptight so changed his attitude slightly to try to make life a bit more pleasant and light heartedly asked. “How can I be of service?”

“I need you to check on the wine and beer in the fridge and also fill up the ice trays please. We should have filled those up earlier. Liz likes ice in her wine”.

“How do you know she still likes her wine with ice in it? You haven’t seen her in years. For all we know she might not drink anymore. Oh but then she would belong to AA wouldn’t she and we wouldn’t be able to have any alcohol on the table!”

“Don’t mention the drinking. You will really spoil tonight if you bring anything like that up Tommy. You promised….”

He could see that he was upsetting her so decided for her sake he would try.

Out of the kitchen wafted the mouth-watering aroma of roast pork. Jenny had gone all out with the dinner. ‘At least I know the food will be good’ she thought. It was all running smoothly in this area and she was happy with the fact that the starters were sitting on the sideboard, the oven had been turned off and sweets were in the fridge.

She surveyed the table one last time and was satisfied with the way it looked. She really needed a drink but would wait until they arrived. Feeling nervous she sat down and took a few deep breaths and of course her mind wandered back to the awful incident that took place in this very room. She tried to steer her thoughts away from it but could picture and hear everything:

It was towards the end of ‘that’ evening – a beer and pizza night. Everyone had been drinking, but perhaps not as much as John and even Liz. The pizzas were eaten so Tommy and Liz had taken the dirty dishes into the kitchen, leaving John and myself still sitting at the table, not really saying much but she thought, comfortable in each of their own thoughts. A ballad came on and out of the blue John jumped up, spilling his beer, grabbed me and began slowly dancing to the music. “John what are you doing?” I was startled and went to sit down, but he wouldn’t let go of me. “C’arn Jenny” he slurred, wrapping his arms around me tightly.

I didn’t want to cause a problem by yelling or anything so tried to tell him in a quiet voice to let me go. But his answer to this was “You know you fancy me, you always have done. I’ve seen the way you look at me sometimes”. His breath was beery it was awful and he leant in really closely and tried to kiss me. “John stop being so stupid and get off me. Let me sit down” I told him, struggling to get out of his grip. I was starting to panic because I thought the two in the kitchen would either be back in soon or hear us. I didn’t want the other two knowing. I was prepared to forget about his drunken out of character behaviour if he just let me go.

My hands were on his chest, trying to push us apart but he was stronger than me. His slobbery mouth was on my cheek and I was starting to feel angry now. “Get off me” I yelled loudly, bringing Liz in through the door to see what was going on.

The look on her face was both shock and disbelief. “What’s going on?” she yelled

Tommy ran in just as John made things as bad as they would get “Jenny just told me that’s she has always fancied me “he slurred laughing “tried to kiss me she did” he lied. And as he turned and headed towards the table Liz came up to me and slapped my face hissing at me “I can’t believe you would do this to me Jenny”.

The scene was bizarre. Tommy was looking at me in disbelief until I pulled myself together and addressed them all. “You are a liar John, it was you who tried to kiss me and wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer”.

“He didn’t start it” my drunken sister yelled

“Of course he did” reply Tommy “You must know your own sister and obviously none of us know your husband!”

My face was stinging and I was starting to feel sick. The whole episode was like a nightmare – something you saw at the movies or read in a trashy magazine - not in my home. I just wanted them to leave.

“Just go please” I said angrily, starting to cry.

“Of course we’ll go. We won’t be coming back either. I thought I could at least trust my own sister” Liz yelled swaying slightly as she teetered to the front door. Well she didn’t have to worry about that. I knew from how angry my husband was that they would never be welcomed back.

The front doorbell rang and this brought Jenny back to the ‘here and now’ with a shock. “Oh dear – it’s them” she muttered, rushing to open it.

“Hi you two” Jenny said a bit too brightly as they stepped into the hall. She held out her arms to her sister and they automatically hugged. “So good to see you again Liz” she said and then turned to John but he looked slightly embarrassed and held out his hand, which she took, thinking ‘all in good time’.

“Come inside. It’s a bit chilly isn’t it? Where have you come from? I mean do you still live in the same house? Take your jackets off if you like – it’s warm in here. We’ve had central heating installed since….Anyway here comes Tommy” Jenny took a deep breath and realised she had been talking too loudly and too quickly and was annoyed with herself.

Tommy held out his hand, a little reluctantly to them both “Welcome back” was all he said, then added “Can I get you a drink? Are you both still on the beer? And as they were both answering “Yes that would be lovely” he walked off into the kitchen to get them.

“Well then, tell me a bit about what you’ve been up to for the last few years?” said Jenny trying to sound friendly.

“Yes the last eight years” chipped in Tommy and his wife gave him a ‘don’t start’ look!

It wasn’t a relaxed atmosphere. Jenny was doing her best but she could feel the tension in her neck already and they were only on to the main course.

They asked about the children and said they were both hoping to see them. Tommy countered this with “We weren’t sure if the night would run smoothly so didn’t want to take any chances of them waking up. They’re at their Grandma’s”.

“What do you mean run smoothly?” asked Liz to her sister with a quizzical look on her face.

“Oh you know, if the music got too loud and they woke and …..

“No that’s not what we meant” added Tommy, his voice slightly raised.

“Who wants any more pork? There’s no apple sauce but I can grate some apple….anyone?”

“I’m losing my appetite” said Liz looking at John who was actually still enjoying his meal and keeping his head down.

“Ok” said Jenny trying to diffuse the situation, “Let’s all take a deep breath and relax. As far as I’m concerned the past is just that. There was a terrible mistake made which will never happen again so let’s all ‘kiss and make….’ Let’s all just be friends again. You’re back here to live, we’re all family and who knows what happens in life? What does everyone say to that?”

“Hear hear” piped up a lubricated John.

“”Whatever makes you happy Jen. It doesn’t make me happy and I really think it’s very foolish though” said Tommy realising what he had said and that it was too late!

“Well I’m ok to move on but I do think you owe us an apology before we can do that” said Liz to her dumbfounded sister.

“You want an apology for what?” Jenny blurted out in disbelief.

“The way we were treated” continued Liz starting to feel relieved that she could now say what had been on her mind for all these years. “Let’s clear the air”.

“It’s you who should be apologising to us. Your husband assaulted me. He tried to kiss me and wouldn’t let me out of his grip. Don’t you think that deserves an apology? I was scared that night – it was something that stays with you for a long time. I had panic attacks” Jenny was beginning to feel angry.

“You came on to John, your own brother in law and with your husband and sister in the next room. You ought to have been ashamed of yourself”.

John was still eating his second lot of roast pork and seemed oblivious to the loud voices that were yelling around the table. He seemed intent on keeping out of the arguments even though they were entirely his fault in the first place.

Tommy had listened for long enough and jumped up to stride over to his sister in law with a look of dark anger on his face.

“Your husband did something terrible to my wife, your sister, and you want an apology? We should have reported him to the police. All this time has passed by and you still believe him” said Tommy pointing at John who was now supping his gravy with a spoon.

“Stop that noise” Liz yelled at her husband and he immediately put his spoon down. “Don’t you have anything to say? Tell them we want an apology John”.

They were all looking at him now and waiting for words to come out of his mouth.

He looked at the three others, thinking. “I didn’t want to come here tonight. Liz wanted me to, so we could finally get the apology due to us” he began, before he could continue Jenny tried to interrupt him with “Are you joking?” but before she could say anything else, he shook his head, looking as if he was on the verge of tears. “I am the one who needs to apologise. I did something unforgivable all those years ago. I have lived with the guilt and done nothing about it – just a coward. I was horribly drunk that night, but that is no excuse for the hurt and the damage to all of our relationships that I have caused. I have wanted to apologise many times but couldn’t bring myself to. I have lied to Liz too. She has stuck by me for all of this time, a liar and a weakling and I didn’t deserve her loyalty”. Liz looked at her husband in disbelief and then quickly away. He continued in the stunned silence. “It was easier for me not being here.  I am asking for all of your forgiveness. I don’t expect your answer tonight, but I hope that one day we can all sit down and work things out”.