Meeting of Two Corinthians

“Come in and take a seat. You can place your jacket next to my two coats on the hook by the door.

Now, I understand you passed the earlier assessments with flying colours. I have the report here in front of me and it is quite impressive. Almost as good as my little protégé; you can see him on the wall up there; front cover of Time magazine. That title still cracks me up.

Anyway, I digress, you have done very well to get to this point of proceedings, but things get a little trickier from now on. You can probably understand the level of bureaucracy involved in an endeavour like this and I can’t take any short cuts or I get it in the neck from on high.

You’ve answered here that you understand the risks involved with entering into any potential ventures, correct? Good. And you’ve been given the brochure of the services we offer and the cost of those services? Perfect.

Normally it is customary for the applicant to choose their terms, but you’ve just written traditional. Am I to understand by that you mean our old contract format? Interesting, and they say the youth of today has no appreciation for the classics. Well, it is certainly very tempting to dredge up the old arrangement, but I was sort of expecting a bigger list of demands and expectations than what you’ve put. You know the old saying as to what’s in the details. Not to worry, let’s start at the beginning of your application and work our way forward to see if you’re the type of person we can invest in before we get bogged down in the particulars.

It says here you attended a Catholic school in Massachusetts; I am sorry. Just out of curiosity was it run by nuns or monks?

Neither!? Things really have changed since my time. Well, at least you managed a good score on your SATs, so whomever your tormenters were they at least managed to get something out of you.

Then it was off to merry old England to attend College. Oh, I do beg your pardon – University. I notice you have an undergraduate in philosophy and a doctorate in theology – very nice. I took a theology class a long time ago, it didn’t really work out. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you. So, let me test what you learned from all those fancy degrees. Answer me this – is there such a thing as evil and is it personified in anyone?

Your answer is paradoxical and wrong. Philosophy may not have absolutes, but I do, and your pandering is not helping your cause. You really have irritated me there with that response so I think we will move on before words beget actions.

It says here you went travelling around the world after getting your PhD only to return home to the States where you were unemployable. The prodigal son returns – that must have been a strain on your family. Did they forgive you or remain disappointed? You state in your application that you couldn’t find a job as you were too educated, and potential employers felt intimidated; I love the hubris. So, did you turn to drink? Drugs? Crime? Did you forsake God or turn on your friends and family?

No! why ever not? Must have a word with marketing. Can you clarify what you did end up doing? Ah, yes. Social media. I’m a bit old for such things, but the new intakes swear by it and I’ve been forced to learn. Can I ask what form this journey into social media took?

How millennial of you – a platform to voice your views. I’ve always thought people take their opinions too seriously. No room for contemplation when you’re espousing every mundane thought that goes through your head. Do tell me where your particular thoughts led?

You ‘fell down a rabbit hole’ and I ‘was at the bottom’. How exquisite. And this social media ‘career’ led you to our institution; maybe I don’t need to speak to marketing after all. Before I ask you to step outside while I make my decision, I have a series of psychometric questions that will really delve into your soul and determine if you are the best fit for us. I believe there are forty questions. Be sure to answer them all, I don’t want a repeat of some other candidates who denied even getting the list.

That wasn’t so hard, was it Mr Johnson? I was going to examine your answers but it appears you gave the same response to every single question no matter what was written. It’s a bold move and I must say it’s paid off for you. I will be happy to make you an offer. I understand from your mission statement that if you got this far that you’d like to start filming now? Go right ahead. I must apologise, I forgot you’d like us to do this the old fashion way for your fans. Not a problem. I understand the power of views. Midnight it is then, on the corner of Essex and Barton square. I presume you want the usual garb and paraphernalia; I know how you need those clickbait thumbnails. See, I told you I was learning.

I’m going to get started on the paper work to file it early, so before you leave, I just want to run over the wording. I’d ask if you want a lawyer present, but let’s not kid ourself as to who they work for. Therefore, I will make it plain for you – from your side it will be the usual contract, nothing too ambiguous there. From my side of things, just to be clear, you have waved your rights to anything “special” I might have been able to do for you and all you want is to film our meeting and post it online across multiple platforms? Well, I won’t say I understand the modern world entirely, but it’s good to see young people taking the initiative with an age-old question.

Very well, Mr Johnson, you have a deal.