DISAPPEARING ACT

 This was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. It was our wedding day.

Dean and I had met about two years ago, and it had been love at first sight. We met at a friend's party, and he seemed familiar from the moment our eyes met. I knew I had to talk to him. Something about him kept my attention. The strength in his frame, the confident way he carried himself, the layers to him that I wanted to unveil. I made my way to his side.

'Do you like to dance?' I asked.

'Only with beautiful women' he replied.

I laughed, 'I bet you say that to all the ladies.'

He took my hand and led me to the dance floor, wrapping his arms around me as we swayed around the room. I laid my head against his shoulder as he skilfully led me around the room, holding me close. As the song came to an end, he raised my chin and kissed me softly. That kiss felt like hello but also where have you been all my life.

We started dating that night. I was excited because he made me happy. He made me smile. Dean said all the right things and was good to me. After all the men that had hurt me in the past, it was magical. Dean taught me to love again and gave me hope that there would be a future for us, and we could be happy.

I loved him so much that I ignored the red flags when they came up. Every couple of days, he was unreachable with his phone switched off, or he was unavailable. Sometimes I wouldn't see him for weeks at a time. This pattern kept repeating itself throughout our relationship. I thought the problem was communication, but I figured that he could learn how to communicate. Besides the issue of silence for a couple of days, he was really the perfect man, and I loved everything about him.

In our culture, we were taught that no man is perfect, and you have to take it with a pinch of salt. I compared Dean's flaw to other men who cheated or battered their girlfriends or abandoned their wives and children, and I felt that his weakness wasn't nearly so bad.

Dean took me to see a concert by my favourite band Lady Antebellum on our two-year anniversary. I was excited because I had been dying to see them for years. While they started to play Need you now, my ultimate favourite song, I turned to Dean in excitement and he was down on one knee. He opened a red box and pulled out a beautiful ring. He said, ‘Amy, I need you more and more every day. You are the only one for me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?’ I said Yes.

 When he proposed, I thought that this would be a turning point because he wouldn't disappear if we were living together. I reasoned that previously he was keeping parts of himself back because he didn't know me that well. He would surely be able to open up once we were married and living together. So I said yes.

We started planning for the wedding. Dean was really attentive and present during the process, and I was sure that the silences and unexplained disappearances would stop. He helped with all the preparations, and we both paid for the wedding. He was giving me my dream wedding, and I was so excited. I was beside myself with joy because I knew that this was a chance to finally be with the man that I loved.

We picked the house where we would live, opened up a joint bank account and started merging our lives. My friends all thought I was lucky; Dean was handsome, smart and romantic. What more could a girl want?

The day of the wedding dawned and I was excited. I hadn’t slept the day before. I was excited to see him, to make my vows to him. I loved him with all my heart and wanted to commit to him in front of our friends and family. I had dreamt of this day since I was five, and had fantasized about the details growing up. What dress I would wear, what song I would walk down the aisle to and what colours we would use. I couldn’t believe it was finally here.

It was time for the ceremony and there was a knock at the door. It was Dean’s best friend and groomsman. He said Dean was nowhere to be found. His friends and family tried calling him and checking everywhere they thought he could be but turned up nothing. I cried in the waiting room when they told me that they couldn't find him and I thought to myself. How could he do this to me? He knew how important this day was for me; for us. Did he not want to get married? What was going on?

When he hadn't shown up five hours after the ceremony was supposed to take place, I went back home. I lay in my bed, crying. I wondered what had happened and why he never turned up. Dean had embarrassed me in front of what felt like the world. All our friends and families. I beat myself up wondering what I did or didn’t do, what had I done to make him change his mind? Was it my fault? Could I have done anything differently to make him turn up? This conversation with myself went on for months with me bursting into tears regularly.

After a few weeks of mourning, I started putting together the pieces and trying to move on with my life. I had stopped crying at no provocation and my heart had stopped feeling like someone took a sledgehammer to it. I had even started dating casually. I wasn’t ready to let anyone close enough to hurt me again.

Finally, some two years later, when I was shopping at the grocery store, I bumped into Dean with another woman and a child who looked about five years old. He was shocked to see me as I was to see him. I looked at them in shock for a moment then screamed, 'So this is why you left me at the altar? You lying scum. How could you?'

 I ran out of the supermarket, and Dean followed me.

'Wait, Amy, I can explain' he said.

'Okay, explain what happened. Because I'm at a loss for words.' I said.

And he said to me that he had always loved me, but he couldn't abandon his child and the mother of his child. He was torn about who to be with. He said that's why he didn't show up to the wedding. Dean said he would always love me, but he couldn't let his child grow up without a father, he had been through that. He asked me to forgive him.

 I just couldn't do it. Why had Dean proposed if he knew he had a son? I turned away and sped to the parking lot, desperate to get away from him. Tears were running down my face. He tried to follow me. All he could say was, 'I'm sorry, Amy, I'm sorry'.

He grabbed my hand, and I tried to pull away, needing to be free of the albatross hanging around her neck ever since he disappeared. A car came reversing out of the parking lot. I didn't even notice it. I turned around to tell him to leave me alone. I pulled hard and stumbled into the path of the car. I suddenly saw the car rushing towards me. By then, it was too late.