Legend of the Hero

Gronk, the God of Protein, was in a trance.  This was a fairly typical state for him when he was lifting some serious iron.  Suddenly he detected a foreign presence, a presence he had not felt since lunch.  It was Spartia, God of Messages.  He removes his earbuds.

“Gronk, they’ve called an emergency council meeting,” said Spartia.

“Okay.  Any idea what it's about?”  Replied Gronk

“Hey don’t ask me, I’m the god of messages, not the god of knowing reasons, that’s Larry and he’s currently on assignment.”  Spartia was about to explain Larry’s assignment but then he remembered he didn’t care and it really wasn’t important, knowing reasons is super boring.  

“Let Yahweh know I’ll be right there, after I finish this set, of course.”  Placing his earbuds back in and resuming the “Getting Them Gains ‘03” playlist, Gronk reached for the 1000 lb dumbbells.  No sense in wearing himself out before a meeting, just a cooldown.  

Hair still disheveled from the post-workout shower, which was more for the other council members than for himself, Gronk liked the way he stank, he entered the Council Chambers of The Immortals.  Of course, Flabiass, God of Carbohydrates, was already there.  Lemonius, God of Catering Affairs, always kept a wide assortment of snacks in the chamber, so Flabiass never left.  Yahweh, God of Decisions, was seated at his rightful place, in the center of the Table of Deliberation, where he could hear all opinions and make eye contact with his fellow gods.  Monosaturius, God of Fats, greeted Gronk and walked alongside him to his seat, between Winston, God of Bulldogs, and Terry, God of Irrelevant Story Branches.

“Great, we can get started, as this is all the gods I need,” said Yahweh.  The gods had recently decided to place all of their attention on the small tribe of ThisPlaceSeemsFine-ville, Zoopy, God of Naming Things, was absent from that meeting also.  The tribe was a group of Hunter/Gatherers, tired from all the hunting and gathering, that had settled in the area that would be Berlin, Germany in about 12,000 years and became farmers and shepherds.  “Lately a big-ass bear has been terrorizing the tribe, and one of your heroes will be tasked with its slaying.  Let the deliberation begin!”

“Bulldogs haven’t been invented yet and won’t for like another 7,000 years so I’m out” exclaimed Winston.

“Obviously.  I’m not even sure why you bother showing up for these meetings, if I’m honest”  said Yahweh.  “I’m pretty sure I’ll regret this but, what say you, Terry?” 

“I don’t know about the bear, but my hero has noticed that the climate has been undergoing a change, although slight since they’ve started burning the black rocks known as coal for warmth.  If we could introduce them to alternate fuel sources, we could really get in front of this before it becomes a whole thing,” suggested Terry.

“Yeah we could do that, or we could focus on the bear, which is why we’re all here, I’m sure they’ll be alright, there’s only like 126 of them, how much coal could they possibly burn?  Thanks anyway.”  sighed Yahweh.

“I’ll get my guy on it, good meeting everyone!”  exclaimed Monosaturius triumphantly.

The chamber exploded with laughter.  “Shut up nerd, what’s he going to do?  Make the bear morbidly obese and kill it with a heart attack.”  

“That’s a lie made up by Flabiass.  He knows carbohydrates are the real enemy and is trying to cover it up.”  Monosaturius defended.

“If they don’t make you fat then why do they call them fats, think about it, it doesn’t make any sense.”  countered Flabiass, polishing off his third donut.

“I don’t know, I’ve spoken to Zoopy about it and he said he just couldn’t think of anything else at the time,”  muttered Monosaturius.  “What about your guy Flabiass?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but Ned is straight up running things down there, he makes up all the chore lists, assigns all the hunting parties, and if it wasn’t for his supervision all the farmers would be growing different crops, instead of just wheat.  Miles and miles of one crop, sweet delicious wheat.  And besides who is going to sell the coal if he’s off gallivanting and killing bears”  Flabiass retorted.

“Fine.  Gronk what about your guy Gary?  I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about him.  What is his deal?”  said Yahweh

“What do you mean?  Gary’s killing it.  Have you ever seen pecs like that on a mortal? And don’t get me started on those bi’s.”  questioned Gronk.

“First off, he is only focusing on glamour muscles.  He is so “swole”, your words, not mine, that he can’t till the soil, he can’t throw a spear, his core strength is garbage, he does like zero cardio.  And what is up with the testicle eating?  Every time the hunting party comes back with a kill he is the first in line to eat the testicles.  He is so angry all the time, he’s just a lot”  said Yahweh.

“Testicles are a great source of protein and some other stuff that Zoopy is working on naming.  Glamour muscles are the best-looking muscles, chicks love them, and Gary is going to need all the help he can get because I think his junk is shrinking.  But have no fears, I’ll talk to Gary and handle this bear situation.”  said Gronk.  “We done here?”

“Let it be so, Gary, son of Tom, Hero of Gronk, shall go forth and smite the bear!”  exclaimed Yahweh, the decision had been made.

Gronk left the council chamber and proceeded directly to the Zone Of Outreach/Messages or ZOOM.  Seating himself in front of the Green Screen of Disguising Backgrounds, Gronk concentrated on locating Gary and spoke.  “Gary, you have lifted all the logs and hefted all the stones, your body is truly a majestic temple, and now is the time to test yourself.  Mankind needs you, your tribe needs you.  Gird your loins and prepare for the great Battle of Bear Cave.”

“I’m not Gary, I think you got the wrong hut.”  meekly replied He Who is Not Gary.  

“I’m sorry, is this not hut 19?”  questioned Gronk

“No, this is hut 91.  Geez dyslexic much.”  laughed He Who is Not Gary

“My bad, I will try again.  Really sorry for bothering you.  Also, I’m not really sure you should be joking about learning disorders.  Not cool man.”  said Gronk, reminding himself to report He Who is Not Gary to HR.  He ended the call and reset his connection.  “Gary?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”  said Gary

“Ok cool.  Gary, you have lifted all the logs and hefted all the stones, your body is truly a majestic temple, and now is the time to test yourself.  Mankind needs you, your tribe needs you.  Gird your loins and prepare for the great Battle of Bear Cave.” said Gronk.

“What the hell are you talking about, you said if I lifted all the logs and rocks I could that you would hook me up.  Girls won’t talk to me at all, the guys here have started a fantasy hunting party league and won’t let me join.  I’m always hungry and I want to punch everyone in the face, and I swear if Ned watches me workout while eating a loaf of bread one more time I’m gonna lose it.  Not to mention that I have no idea what a “Bear” is or where to find it, and more importantly how to kill it.”  exclaimed Gary.

“Okay, first off Bears are adorable little creatures covered in fur and cute little ears, they walk around on all four legs but just get even cuter when they stand up on two legs.  Secondly, this particular bear is really easy to find.  All you have to do is follow the river next to the massive trail of blood, south until you see a bend in the river and a dark and ominous cave, if you see a massive pile of human skeletal remains you’ve gone too far.  Thirdly, bears are super easy to kill, I’ve killed tons of them”  He hadn’t  “Their weakness is big sticks, they don’t even have to be pointy.  You could take one of your training logs, bada-bing bada-boom, and you're back before your pre-workout testicles even kick in.  Lastly, this bear-killing mission is going to solve all your problems.  If you wear the bear's skin, the ladies are going to think you’re cute and the fellas will be too afraid to not invite you to their parties, cause of all the cuteness.  And don’t even sweat Ned, I hear Cardiolactus, God of Heart Disease, has got plans for him.  Dude, you got this”  Explained Gronk, rather proudly.

“I can’t argue with any of that.  All of that makes complete sense and you have no reason to lie to me, you being all-knowing and omnipotent and all.  I trust you oh Lord of Gains, guide my hand and heart so that I may bring glory to your name. The world will soon sing the song of Gary the Mighty, Gary the Slayer of Bears, Gary Son of Tom, Hero of Gronk!” 

“Alright man, let me know if you need anything.  I feel really good about this.  I just remembered I got a meeting so I really got to go.  Good luck with the mission and everything, byeeeee!”  lied Gronk.

Gary was pumped, to say the least.  This was the culmination of his entire 15 years of life, everything that he had lifted and thrown and pushed and pulled upon had trained him for this very moment.  Gary grabbed his favorite training log, and kissed his mother and father goodbye, telling them that he would be back and that upon his return, everything would be different, everything was going to be okay.  

Gary was never seen or heard from again.  Legends say that Gary and the Bear fell in love and that he just chose to forsake his human nature to embrace the Way of the Bear.  Legends are dumb, Gary got wrecked, a pointy stick would have made a difference but such is life.  Upon hearing of Gary’s demise from a gloating Flabiass, Gronk stared off into the distance and said “There is another.”  

And that is how CrossFit was invented.