The Pearl in the mud infested vocabulary

Prologue

First time I saw Elroy, ‘but I wasn’t in the mood of being hooked up with some nameless guys’. I didn’t even recall his face. Second time we met, and ‘In my sleepy eyes, he was this tall, skinny, dark guy who was just being too nice to someone who didn’t even consider him.’ Not this time around. Without an absent minded attitude or sleepy eyes, I realized I had missed something about Elroy. Which just flabbergasted me. He was not that tall or short. Neither was he skinny or that dark. He was, actually a well-endowed person. At the back of my mind, with his physique, I just thought, here I am dealing with a player. No guy has this kind of physique and loves God to the core. Yet I kind of enjoyed laughing with him though and realized I was so comfortable with him. For someone I was meeting with for the third time, it seemed like I had known him for years and he was just someone I knew from back then. This isn’t happening, I thought. When will anxiety show up? When will anxiety make me stutter and fall silent? Why am I so comfortable with such a person I do not know?

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I had my first official boyfriend when I was 19. When I say official, I do really mean official. This in the sense of I had other ‘de facto boyfriends’. Just by default. Like this. I have a guy who likes me. I don’t say yes officially to him. But I will be kind of flirting with him. Six months down the line, I am fed up with him. Because he is a liar, an amateur one. Or he would be too childish for childish me. Or the unfortunate part that I would have developed a crush on his friend. But I kind of stood by the assertion that I was single.

Honestly, I really tried to avoid Jeffrey. I saw him as an obstacle and tried to find ways to safely and soundly go around him. I hated him. But I honestly don’t know how I failed this mission. I ended up falling for him. Which is one of the mistakes I made. I fell….So yes I now had a boyfriend. He was light in complexion. With a baritone voice I loved. He came from a family with money more than I did. He was a gentleman. He had a car. He was not stingy with money. He knew how to dress well. And there you have it. You can happily look at my list of why I fell for him.

So, this is me with my first official boyfriend. My first love. I was over the stars and moons. Felt like I had come home. You see, I have heard that more often than not, people do not get married to their first love. But to me, I had done all correctly. This would be my first love, first boyfriend and yeah, my husband for life…..Which brings me to this issue, I kind of had qualms when I thought of the title, ‘my husband for life’. And I being me dismissed it for being that anti-marriage spirit which was quite familiar in my circle.

Two months later, the bumpy ride began. I am not sure if he got tired of me so soon. Because of my insecurities and stubborn trait in my ‘sweet innocent’ character. Or if he had other games. I never really bothered to find out. Well we had misunderstandings. A lot. He was vocal. I was vocal. Being bullied in primary led to me to try and stand up for myself. So there was a lot of wrangling of words if there was no silent treatment in between. If you know how women operate, you can just picture this. He gives me a word, I blast him back with a sentence. He gives me back a sentence, I multiply it into a paragraph and kick it back to sender. Eventually, he would just remain silent, then I would feel guilty and start apologizing. Which is what I did mostly. Apologize. Eat the humble pie, swallow my stubborn pride and apologize for my insecurities. We would go for three days, or a whole month, with zero or little communication. Combine that with clashing principles. The breaking point was when it came to my attention that I was being introduced to some of his friends as a ‘church friend’. I wasn’t there when it happened but I came to know of this secretly. Look, I had read the book by Steve Harvey, Think like a man, Act like a lady. I had watched so many Korean dramas, sweet rom-coms as well as cartoons, Winx Club for example. And this wasn’t going well. In addition, I have heard enough love stories from people who were in other relationships. As well as some people who had gone through bumpy rides and survived. Ah well that just sums it all. I don’t wanna paint a rather ugly picture here. After all, this isn’t the main story. We are just passing by and being cute for a little while.

And then, I was heartbroken. I broke free from this thing after one and a half years. It was so easy to play victim. So, so easy. And I was so down trodden. My esteem, the way I saw myself. I could just look into the mirror and call myself names. After all, I had gone through depression and the man I loved had seemed to be having a grand time while I was wasting away. This was just a pointer that I was not worth of love…anyway, I don’t wanna play victim. I had to force myself, to look away from being a victim. This was two sided. A story for another day.

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In comes ELROY…

Who came unexpectedly, frustrating me, ‘cause I had had no breakthrough in his case. The guy wouldn’t budge. He loved me and he wasn’t going anyway. I had tried interrogating him but wow, the guy had wisdom. He knew how to answer my questions. So I couldn’t run him off with some technicality errors in his messages. Then one night, I decided to do one of my tricks. Air my dirty laundry. I did send him a message about some of the bad things I had done and befallen. And waited for his reply…. It was that reply that turned my topsy turvy. I just lost bearing and the walls I had built against him just started cracking. He just opened up and I don’t even know why but I felt tears flowing down my cheeks. In the cover of the dark, I cried silently so as not to draw attention from my roomie. I cried and felt all resolve being shaken to the core. It was like I was seeing him through new eyes.

The following days I would debate on the use marriage and relationships. Was I ready for this? Yes sometimes, no in the next morning. Yes, no and the cycle continued. Elroy kept on being the cool friend, being a good brother in Christ and wouldn’t push me too hard in considering him. Somehow I was enjoying this attention. And so I was slowly seeing him in another light. I was now scared that I had just decided to love another guy. Yes I hadn’t fallen in love with him. But my decision, was it sound? I would catch myself exclaiming to my roomie that I now loved the guy. So why wasn’t I just accepting him? What if he took off and stopped loving me? Well, I wasn’t about to be rushed. If we were meant to be, then it would be.

My approach to him changed. Yes I did enjoy taunting him by telling him I already had an answer and he had to brace himself. He went off to work in Mutare and so our plans to meet again kind of crashed. The situation seemed bleak when a lockdown was announced. Covid-19 was now on the door step of Zimbabwe and precautions were about to be taken. I didn’t want to  leave without seeing him. Which surprised me. He would call, we would chat and laugh. I do remember fidgeting on my bed when I was on a call with him which always made my roomie inquire as to how far I was from accepting the guy. Elroy kind of knew when I was sad. I didn’t have to tell him for him to know. He would just know, sense it, call me and inquire about it. Considering I am not that outspoken, he would then allow me to say it over the WhatsApp. That was just amazing. Someone who was understood me even if I was silent.

However, here is what happened. We had an outing, which Elroy was supposed to come but well, work happened. I did enjoy eating, dancing and the games. It was just so amazing. I slept over at my mom’s place and Sunday went to church. After church, I was drained and I was all alone. Salamay had kind of dropped out of coming to church. I decided to go to this shop OK and buy myself a drink. I am now standing in front of the refrigerators, debating. The PET or Pepsi? I finally settled for Pepsi. I just headed to the line which now had a one meter apart distance. So I am just standing there, sleepy, bored. Then all of a sudden, my eyes met with my ex’s eyes! One word, PANIC! I felt my whole body scream GET OUT OF HERE! Wait, where would I go? Why was I getting out? I had just waited long enough to enter the store, and now to get out? So my ex seemed to be walking with this lady. Or probably my eyes misinterpreted the scene. His eyes suddenly lit up and was coming to meet me. I felt like throwing up there and there. And that bitterness that lay dormant suddenly arose. I felt my face tighten. We exchanged pleasantries. He asked some questions and all I remember is we agreed he would take me home. I told him I would wait for him outside. Which I did. Really mad and rehearsing what I would do and wouldn’t do. Only God knows what would have happened. Well, suffice to say he did not see me and assumed I had just walked away. I waited something like thirty minutes, stewing with rage. It was made worse by the drizzle of rain, some annoying person who had intentions to steal from me, and a call from Mama. She called to tell me to return home that very next weekend. I had tried to reason but then I lost the fight. So I was just so pissed off and quite angry at no one in particular. I realized then that I no longer had his number, neither did I even have it memorized it in my head. I had to go through the tedious moments of searching in a group. I messaged him, it had one tick. Old habits never died, he would reply me after three days maybe. I called him to just inquire on the way forward. He just told me then he hadn’t seen me. I just felt so low, what was I thinking? Anyway, I took a bus to Vainona and just decided to delete his number and any trace of him from my phone. Even though he promised to come over and see him, (he was staying in the same hood), I just flushed it out of my system. Well, Elroy did later appear online and I felt so grateful for his attention. I did tell him briefly of what Mama had said and he broke the good news to me. He was coming back either on Saturday or Sunday. I just had to hold on and wait for him. Which was alright, I was kind of willing and waiting for him.

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Then tragedy happened.

His dad passed away. I had just called it a day at my FF when I received a call from Salamay. Elroy’s dad had joined the chorus in heaven. I did confirm with the messages in the group and felt my world come to a slow motion. It was just too much. What was I supposed to do? Who am I to even do it? I reached home, informed my mom the news. She was equally shocked. Personally, I had never met Elroy’s dad but from what I saw in the messages, he had been a legend. Yet I still felt a sharp pang of pain. I did something I rarely do. I called Elroy. And it was so heart breaking to hear him being unable to speak properly. I felt tears well inside my eyes and couldn’t even speak then. I ended the call and took some time to compose myself before returning back to my family.

That week passed in a blur. I lost appetite but ate enough to please my mom. At one time I woke up and the first thing that registered in my mind was, ‘dad is gone.’ It was at that moment that I realized I was more than just in friendly terms with Elroy. He was more than just my friend. I went throughout the week, having my own secretive weeping sessions. I would be so confused at times. I would be so absent minded. I wanted to be close to Elroy but the lockdown restriction said otherwise. I was novel to this. Yet I did what I could. I sent him text messages. Comforting him. Encouraging him. Telling him all is going to be alright. I sent him verses. I did all I could. But I didn’t dare call him again lest I ended up weeping and that would have been awkward alright. Mamfu had a few words to say yet oddly they were comforting. It was also during those days that I started chatting with Elroy’s lil sis. The whole thing was a new life experience for emotional me. I am use to being pampered, being told ‘all will be well.’ I learnt how roles can be reversed and one has to stand in the gap.

I became unsure as to what I was supposed to be saying then. The boundaries and all that. It was just like I was now trying to tread on everything softly. Reason being I didn’t want him to forget neither did I want him to be forever stuck though. He mentioned it might take time for him to be normal and be that guy I had come to know. Personally, I wasn’t going anyway. I had felt the same emotions he had gone through and it was not fair just to leave him in such a state. I felt this determination to at least leave him after he was ‘normal’. Even if he was going to push me away, I wasn’t going without a fight. Yes he was confused about his feelings, so he openly admitted. But I was his friend right? A friend indeed even in times of need.

He tried sometimes to be ‘normal’ but sometimes he would just pour out his heart. I let him talk most of the times. He would praise his dad and from there I could see what kind of man he had been. Elroy proved to be strong and copied quite well but I still treaded carefully. Bit by bit however, we kind of got infused and the best of friends. It became so easier to just open up, say something and drop all pretending. It was like I had known him for quite a long time.

Eventually Elroy was being normal. Not forgetting but he was not static. I still treaded carefully till he himself had to pull me through. So, one day, we are just chatting. That day he was quite serious and relentless. His theme, we were long overdue. The lockdown period had been extended again. And he was so agonized. He was so afraid I was going to just kick him out of my life. He just wanted to know where we were standing. For some time, I held back. And he seemed to accept there was no way forward. That day he called and we spoke for over twenty-three minutes which was just novel. It rarely happened. We usually chatted over a call for something like ten minutes or less. That day, he kept barraging, pleading but not blackmailing. We were long overdue. We were long overdue. More often than not, I would be tongue tied yet he was relentless. He had a mission and he was not going to be stopped. I stood my ground again and the call ended in a somehow tense but not deadly atmosphere. We took it over the WhatsApp. I really kind of laughed, nervously and asked him if he had woke up with such an agenda on his mind. No he hadn’t, he was kind of nervous of the outcome considering the lockdown. What was my answer after prayerfully considering is request? I hesitated, afraid. So this was it. What if I was being too rash? What if the affection died immediately I accepted him? What if I hurt him? What if I wasn’t good enough for him? What if he hurt me? What if he cheated on me? What if I had to compromise again? What if I lose him?

I did tell him I was going through another cycle of what ifs and felt it wasn’t tell him as of yet. If the messages had a voice, his would have been moaning softly and very convincing. And eventually, I just give him an answer….. IT WAS A YES!!!!!

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