A Wish Never Granted

~ That’s the thing about befriending death: you’re not so scared when it finally comes for you. ~

“Rest in Peace”.

Those are words we save for the dead.

What no one tells you is that “rest” and “peace” aren’t words that are typically associated with the afterlife.

Living people are funny like that. They think that once your earthly heart stops beating you’re automatically gifted with a storybook happily ever after.

What no one tells you is that those earthly sorrows follow you into the unknown.

One moment you’re a girl with blood running through your veins and a heart that beats faster with every step he takes toward you, and the next you’re watching him fall in love with someone else, haunting her every move because you wish your heart still beat like hers. Every time you put your hand to your chest there’s an emptiness, a hollowness of something that should be there but isn’t. You wonder where it is, you search for it to no avail, and you finally realize that you left it in the arms of a boy who can no longer be reached.

What no one tells you is that death is never really the end, it’s only the beginning of a life without the things you told yourself you couldn't live without.

What no one tells you is that sometimes the lines between life and death are so thin you’re not sure which one you’re crossing into as you take that next step. It's a blindfolded race to the other side, a hazy confusion of awe and fear, and you better be happy with the path you take, because there's no way out once you're in.

Someone told me once that death was like a doorway into another opportunity, a chance to reinvent yourself and start over

….but no ever told me that the death of me would be you.

October 31^st. Halloween.

This day is the only day ghosts like me get to come back and see the earth we left behind. This will be the first time I get to see you in nearly a year.

Have you changed much?

Are you taller now?

Does your shaggy hair still hang over your eyes?

Are you still in love with her?

I hope you still think about me.

I remember your 19^th birthday like it was yesterday. We were all huddled around on that crisp November night, and I took the seat closest to you, wrapped up in your mother’s fur coat because I had stupidly forgotten to bring my own. Everyone counted down from five as you blew out the melting candles beginning to drip hot wax on your cake, ensuing the oh-so classic “Happy Birthday” melody that I know you always hated. I looked at you just before the last candle was put out, with it’s soft glow illuminating the dreamy look in your eyes, and just before the last flicker of light left your face I found myself hoping that you’d wished for me. It may seem selfish, stealing someone’s special birthday wish, but nonetheless I closed my eyes and wished for us anyway...just in case you forgot.

Two weeks to the day you would get the phone call. Your mom would come rushing into the kitchen just as the phone fell from your hands and crashed onto the tile floor. You would throw a pile of dirt on my casket a few days later, say a silent goodbye to a girl you knew you could never love the same way, and then you would move on, purple rose wilting on your bedside table.

I hope you know that leaving you was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I would have done anything to spend one more birthday by your side. I guess wishes on birthday candles are nothing more than a stupid tradition someone with a lot more years and little bit more luck than me decided to invent.

This Halloween, I hope I get to see you again and do my best to let you know I’m still around. I know you were never capable of loving me the way I wanted you to, but none of that even matters to me anymore. Death has taught me a lot about love, and one thing I know for sure is that love doesn’t care if it’s loved in return; love just wants one thing, and that’s the right to love freely and indefinitely. This whole “afterlife” thing gets quite lonely, and I just hope you’ll let me watch over you until you and I can meet again on this side.

Did you know that ghosts don’t mean to scare you when they appear before you? We only mean to make ourselves known to you, and a lot of times we just want to know if you still remember us like we hoped you would. I hope I never frighten you, but if I do please promise you’ll come visit me next year under the full moon.

As the stars begin to appear in the sky above, I take a deep breath (in vain, because I no longer need air to breathe) and prepare myself to go out into the world as a ghost now instead of a human. My mind races as I picture what it will be like to stare the scariest night of the earthly year in the face and laugh, because nothing has ever been so scary as being stuck in the afterlife without the one you love. Nothing has been so scary as being dead. My heart would quicken just saying the word if I still had one that knew how to beat.

I place my hand to my chest and feel like crying (I would if I could), because if my heart still knew how to beat you and I would be passing out candy on your front porch just like the old days. I stop and realize how much I think about life now that I’m dead.

Ironically, nothing has ever made me feel more alive than being dead.

I gather with the other ghosts and anxiously await the moment they turn us loose into the night. Right before they open the gate to the other world, I pull a birthday candle and a match out of my pocket and watch the fire burn like a beacon of hope into the misty darkness. It may seem selfish, stealing the wish of a living person who may need it, but nonetheless I close my eyes and wish for us anyway.