Thank God For Covid

Thank God for Covid-19. 

It has truly been like paradise for me. I’m sure most vampires are digging the quarantine, really. 

People aren’t running around during the day and noticing when their neighbors aren’t. I’m telling you, it’s not easy to remain under the radar when everything is normal. 

You’re thinking, “Oh Cecil, you’re just being dramatic. Vampires are asleep during the day! Who would notice?”

But you’ve never lived in the suburbs! People are incredibly nosy and invasive. They’re always playing outside or mowing the lawn...always with the mowing the lawn. Then they like to be helpful and try to see if I want my lawn mowed. No way! I have a guy for that! A guy who doesn’t knock or ring the doorbell or ask me questions. 

Seriously. I know it makes me seem like a dick, but guess what? They’re not really being nice. They want to see the inside of my house or know if I’m married or if I have a dog that digs up rose bushes. It’s too much. Humans with their ulterior motives. 

I have a sign on my door that says I can’t come to the door because of a terrible sun allergy. I looked it up online. Solar urticaria. Google it. It’s not even that different than what could really happen if I stepped out into the sun. Except, in my case, it would most likely result in my quickly melting into a sticky, steaming corpse. I don’t like to think about it. 

You’d think a sign like that would be enough to get people to leave me alone. I have to wear ear plugs in my coffin. If I don’t, I would be awakened at least a dozen times a day from the doorbell. It’s almost like they seek me out BECAUSE I want to be left alone. Or maybe they can’t read, I think I’ve heard somewhere that the educational system for humans is garbage. 

I’m certain my across the street neighbor, Hank is mentally retarded. I’m not trying to be offensive. I know that humans are reticent about using that word, but Hank is definitely not right in the head. He comes over every couple of days to chat...totally unprovoked. He calls me “Big C” because as he says, “Sorry, Cecil just sounds like a girl’s name.” What am I supposed to do with that? 

I have to be nice. If I’m rude to him, he tells the neighbors and they start watching me more closely. He comes after dusk too so I have very little excuse to avoid him and when I do, he just comes back. I’ve learned to lean into it and just take my punishment so I can go on with my life. 

AND Cecil isn’t even a girl's name. It’s Latin. It means “blind.” 

Hank doesn’t come over anymore. Hank was over 60. Hank got Covid-19. Hank is dead. Thank God for Covid-19. 

No one comes by anymore. Not for anything. No one even cares what’s going on in the neighborhood. They’re all working via the internet and their houses have become their offices. The neighborhood is quiet during the day and even quieter at night. 

It used to be my rule to not hunt in my neighborhood so I could avoid suspicion, but now I can hunt wherever I please. There was this cute alternative couple a few blocks away with gauged ears and undercuts. Not anymore! I slid through a cracked window and ate them while they watched “The Tiger King.” They’re still watching it for all anyone knows. 

Another great perk is food delivery options have increased. Yes, yes, I don’t eat food. But there’s absolutely nothing to stop me from eating the drivers. Sometimes I’ll just chill in the backseat of their car, compelling them not to see me, until they’re a decent distance from my house and then I’ll eat them in a parking lot or something. It’s like Uber Eats if they picked you up, drove you somewhere, and then you ate them. So maybe not like Uber Eats, but still pretty fantastic.

So far, I’ve just been complaining and eating people, but there’s more great stuff going on. The internet has exploded with content! I’ve been alive for just over eight hundred years but that doesn’t mean I’m too elitist to enjoy YouTubers. It’s amusing to me to see what isolation and boredom does to the human spirit. The destruction of their hopes and dreams provides me with endless hours of entertainment. In the past, I’ve been able to inspire those feelings in humans but it was usually one at a time and it never lasted very long. Now, I can click through countless and unending videos of people who are devoid of any real self-value. It’s remarkable. 

For the first time in centuries, I have an agenda. I’m absolutely thriving during this pandemic so it’s in my best interest to help Covid continue to spread. Obviously, my biggest obstacle has been the vaccine. I’ve been learning how to spam on social media. I’ve programmed bots to spread misinformation about the government controlling and chipping people with the vaccine. I’ve gotten pretty creative. One of my accounts posts about a secret cabal of rogue scientists who are conducting a massive genetic experiment in order to transform people into lizards. My impact may be minimal, but when I watch Tucker Carlson and see him mention one of my anti-vax stories, I feel immense pride. It took me ten lifetimes to achieve the notoriety that I’ve gained by trolling on the internet. I honestly can’t figure why everyone doesn’t do it. 

I don’t have an endgame, sadly. When it comes down to it, I can’t control Covid. All of my attempts, impressive and satisfying as they may be, are just a stall to the inevitable. Hank may be gone but eventually another Hank will rise up and take his place. The doorbell will ring again. Life will overcome death. I’m living (or not living) proof of that, really. 

I’m not going to let it get me down though. I’ve grown a lot during the pandemic and I don’t want to lose that to pessimism and apathy. I’ve developed a strong following of faithful zealots online who at a moments notice would raid or destroy any target I designate. If I said, “Taco Bell is a front for Communist cannibals to convert the masses by making them eat human meat,” for example, they would tear down every taco stand. 

That one is pretty good, I may use that…

So for now, I’m just going to bask in the darkness. Live death to the fullest. I have nothing to worry about. I’m already immortal, but now I’m invincible. It’s not like vampires can even get Covid-19. We’re just as much bat as we are human. Death is good!