It Isn't Normal

Michael and Miriam could never remember how they became friends, but they clung to each other since they were in kindergarten. Even though their class had the same group of kids all the way to fifth grade, they seemed to play in their own little world. Miriam didn’t necessarily dislike playing with the other girls in her class, but she never felt connected with them. They would talk about dresses they wish they could wear, but Miriam could care less about that stuff. To her, dresses were awkward and never felt like they fit her right, even if they were her size.

As for Michael, the other boys tended to bully him for how fragile he tended to be. He wasn’t weak or anything like that, he was just less inclined to tussle or play any sport they tried. They would call him weak and girly, but Michael never saw that as an issue. To him the girls seemed like they were having more fun than any of the boys were. They could be seen walking around laughing and talking wildly about something Michael wished he could know more about. So, when he saw one of the girls sitting all by herself, he joined her. From then on Michael and Miriam would find themselves sucked into their own little world. The teachers tried to encourage them to play with their same-gendered peers because that is how “it is supposed to be”, but they preferred this in-between they shared.

They spent any free time they had during school simply talking to each other. It was during one of their daily conversations that Michael simply stated “I think the school should make the boy uniforms as pretty as the girl ones.”

Miriam turned towards Michael “I would much prefer we all just had pants, skirts are weird,” she couldn’t understand why anyone would want to wear a skirt.

“Well I think they're nice.” 

“If you like them that much, you can try on one of my extras afterschool,” Miriam was mostly joking when she offered, but Michael had already made up his mind on carrying this plan out. 

The rest of the school day passed by easily, and once the bell rang Michael was essentially dragging Miriam over to her own house. When they arrived, Miriam’s mother greeted them before assuring Michael she would call his mother to tell her he was staying at their house. Then Miriam and Michael were alone in her room. Miriam dug around her closet before picking out a simple, gray skirt. 

“Here, you can use my bathroom to change,” and before she could say anything else Michael was gone.

Miriam picked at her carpet while she waited. She was fully expecting Michael to come back and confirm that she was right: skirts sucked. What she wasn’t expecting was to see Michael storm in laughing before twirling around in front of her full-body mirror. He continued to play with the skirt, seeing the different ways it would ripple as he moved. Michael couldn’t understand why Miriam hated these, they were magical. That’s when he remembered how she wished everyone could wear pants as their uniform. It seemed like an equal trade to Michael. 

He turned to Miriam, who looked confused about the whole thing, before giving her an offer, “If you wanted you could try on my pants, they're in the bathroom.”

Miriam didn’t understand why Michael was offering to let her try on his uniform, but she thought it couldn’t hurt to try. So, she made her way to the bathroom where she slipped on the pair of pants. They were slightly too long and fell over her ankles, but they felt nice–way better than any skirt. Michael seemed to agree with her, to him pants fit her way better than a skirt. They spent the rest of their time together in the other’s uniform because it felt right. 

Then there was a knock and the door before it opened “Michael, are you staying for Dinner?” her mother paused. This was wrong. Why were they wearing the wrong uniforms? “Both of you change, now.”

In an instant shame began to swell in Miriam as her mother lectured them both on how this was wrong and inappropriate before telling Michael to go home. Miriam didn’t understand what they had done wrong, but the sinking feeling in her gut gave her enough reason to trust her mother’s words.

“Miriam,” her voice was sharp, “promise me that you’ll never do that again.”

  “I promise, Mom. I promise.”

The next day Miriam and Michael spent it like nothing happened. They talked during their brakes and worked together on different assignments. It was normal. Still, Miriam felt guilty.

“Michael?” he turned towards her, “My Mom said we aren’t allowed to do that again.” 

Michael cocked his head to the side, “Why?”

“Because it's wrong.”     

As the years passed by the event began to fade, but it still haunted Miriam. During an occasional, sleepless night the memory would insert itself into her mind. She was in middle school now, but something still irked her about it all. Everyone seemed to move on, even Michael, but Miriam seemed stuck. As she aged she started to feel less and less like herself. That's what disturbed her. The last time she truly felt like herself was when she dressed like a boy. But that was wrong, wasn’t it? This wasn’t normal and she was going to do something about it. 

The doctor's office was as empty and barren as ever; it hadn’t changed since she was little. As she waited for her physician to come in, Miriam tried to figure out the best way to word her issue. Maybe she was just insane. Maybe this was all normal, but a part of her knew it wasn’t. Then the door opened. 

“Hello Miriam, what brings you here today?” her Doctor took a seat across from her, a clipboard in hand. 

Her throat dried up. Doctors were meant to help you, she shouldn’t be scared, but she was. She was scared of what she might be told. That there was something wrong with her; she was a mistake. 

“I feel like I was born wrong,” were the words her brain decided on once the silence became unbearable. 

The doctor wrote something down on her notepad before asking “What makes you think that?” 

Miriam swallowed the bile sticking to her throat “I feel like I don’t fit being a girl, if that makes sense,” she waited to see if the doctor would interrupt her to say that was normal; nothing came.

Instead, the doctor set her clipboard down before staring directly at Miriam, “It is not unusual for girls to feel outcasted by their peers, but you will find a group of people in time.”

“But that isn’t it. I get along fine with the girls at school. I just feel like I don’t understand what it means to be a girl like them. I feel all wrong whenever I try to act like them.”

“You’ll get used to it eventually.”

Those words cut into Miriam. Why did she have to get used to it and her peers already were? It all felt unfair. But who was she to argue with her doctor? 

She would try her best, take the advice she was prescribed. That would make her better right? So, she would wear skirts even though they felt like they were scrapping at her skin. She would learn how to do her makeup like all the other girls would. She would be a girl no matter what; no matter how awful she felt. 

Even after years had passed, she never got used to it. She tried to tell herself that she was fine, but when she stared at her ceiling in the dark she knew she was lying. She knew this wasn’t right, but nothing felt right. A part of her wished she could have been born as Michael. Wearing those pants was the worst decision she had ever made. If she had simply said no, she would have been fine and normal and happy and a girl. Instead, she laid in her bed wishing she could experience it again one last time, however; she knew she could never actually do it. It wasn’t normal.