To The Old and New

Chapter 1: 

December 30. I read the date from my phone as I solemnly lie on my bed. Year-round, no matter how hard I tried, I never forgot this date. Instead of getting up and making myself breakfast as per usual, I curled back into my sheets, wet from tears shed not hours ago. I looked at my balcony window, blurred from the rain pouring down as if the world had been crying with me. I had a job to get to, people to meet, responsibilities to fulfill, but none of that mattered today. A tear rolled down my face, soon accompanied by many more. 

After several hours alone, sobbing in bed, I decided to make myself breakfast, though food was not on my mind. Too weak to make anything else, I ripped open a packet of instant oatmeal, dumped it in a bowl with milk, and set it in the microwave to heat up. When it was done, my impatience acted before me and I ate it piping hot instead of waiting for it to cool. It burned my tongue but it never entered my mind. I walked around mindlessly for ten minutes to end up on the couch, where I again sat for hours. I contemplated my every decision, laying there confused and wishing she were here with me. My phone rang, interrupting my thoughts for the better. 

I debated answering it but ended up picking it up in case it was an emergency. “Hello?”

“Hey, it's Ryan. How are you doing, I know this is a really hard day for you, today being the anniversary of your Mom’s passing.” He sympathized.

“Well, I made myself oatmeal for breakfast, but other than that not well,” I responded, my voice raspy from crying. I silently wiped the tears from my face.

“I’ll tell you what, why don’t you take a shower, get ready, and we can go get coffee at that small cafe you love across the street.” Ryan offered.

“I don--” I wasn’t able to finish my sentence before he interrupted.

“ I know you don’t feel like it, but it is my responsibility as your best friend to help you get through the tough times, and I know this will make you feel better. Every year on this day for the past ten years, you make the New Year's Resolution to stop grieving her passing, but you’ve never accomplished it. This year, I am going to change that, so I will be outside your apartment building in twenty minutes to take you to that cafe, bye!” 

Before I could say anything, he hung up the phone. Maybe I should try to go outside. Maybe he’s right. I got up off the couch and headed to my closet. I picked a casual outfit and walked over to the bathroom to take my shower. Fifteen minutes later, I was ready. I didn’t bother to look at myself in the mirror in fear of talking myself out of this.

I walked out of my apartment building to find Ryan waiting for me. We walked down the streets of New York City until we arrived at Meg’s Cafe, my favorite place to eat since I was a little girl. I hadn’t realized, it was already two o’clock in the afternoon. We walked in and ordered lunch. While we waited, I looked around the small room. Mom and I came here every Friday for girls’ day out and talked all day. Every wall, booth, and table in here, held a special memory I had. As I looked around, I started pointing out to Ryan some of the memories I shared with Mom.

“ Hey, it’ll get better. Look on the bright side, the New Year is tomorrow, your Mom’s favorite!” Ryan reassured me. 

“ The New Year was her favorite. It won’t be the same without her, and on top of it, this is the first time we are having with Dad’s new wife. I haven’t talked to him in over six months, not since the wedding. I wouldn’t even be going to spend New Years' and have dinner with him and Margret if it weren’t for Mom. We always celebrated with family, and I’m not going to let some stranger in our family stop us from doing that.” I explained to him. Ryan was an optimist and always made the worst situations seem not so bad. 

“ I know, it’s hard, but I’m sure celebrating New Year's will make you feel closer to her.” Ryan reminded me.

I guess he’s right. After that, we went back to our conversations about the memories I made at Meg’s Cafe and talked all day, just like I did with mom. 

Chapter 2:

December 31, New Years Day. I read the date off my phone once again as I lay in bed. However, today was a new day. Today is mom’s favorite holiday, and for that, we will celebrate. I did not lay in bed for hours, but I did get up early to start cooking. Yesterday night, after talking with Ryan, I decided that New Years Day was not one to grieve, but one to appreciate those who are and were in my life, who made me who I am. 

I took it upon myself to dig through the boxes of her stuff I had kept to find her cooking journal. She had kept many of them throughout her life, filling them with recipe’s as she went on. However, I knew which one I needed. She had one that had been passed down generations to her, containing family recipes. Mom had told me about it and showed it to me and told me, one day it would be mine. I guess that day is today. 

I quickly found the journal as it was toward the top of the boxes to keep it safe, and started flipping through it. Finally, I stopped at a page. The infamous family mashed potatoes. Mom made this for us every year, and it overthrew any other ones we tried. The past nine years since Mom passed away, we’ve had mashed potatoes made by the neighbors, and New Year's dinner hasn’t felt the same. This year, all that would be different. I found the recipe, took out the ingredients, and started cooking. 

The whole process took about five hours, but completely worth it. Just the smell itself reminded me of her, and it made me smile. It was now one o’clock in the afternoon and I had five hours until New Year's dinner with Dad and Margret. I decided it was time to go through those boxes of mom’s items that I had. After Mom’s passing, I didn’t have the heart to go through the boxes, so I left them in a closet to look through when I was ready. I guess there isn’t a time when I will be completely ready or over it, she will always live on in my heart. For hours I opened boxes and relived memories and feelings I forgot I had. Going through Mom’s old boxes made this New Years' the most memorable I’ve had before, it made me feel so much closer to her. 

Chapter 3:

Several hours later, after getting ready and heading out, I arrived at Dad’s house for New Year's dinner. Before getting out of the car, I waited five minutes, nervous about meeting Margret again. I collected enough courage to walk to the door and hesitantly ring the doorbell. Within seconds, Margret opened the door. I was somewhat thrown off by this. This is the house I grew up in. She’s answering the door as if it is her own house. I reminded myself to enter with an open mind. I pushed those thoughts out of my brain and smiled to greet her. 

“Hello! Come on in, it’s cold out there!” She took my coat for me. That wasn’t so bad.

“Hi, how are you doing?” I nervously asked.

“I’m good, how are things in the city?”

“Good, good,” I replied. 10 seconds of deadly silence passed by. I awkwardly looked around the house from what I could see at the door. Finally, she spoke again, breaking the silence.

“Well, come on into the living room, we have snacks prepared for you.” She offered.

“Thank you!” I grabbed a couple of crackers, still unsure of how I felt about her. She’s polite, but what are her intentions? She’s nice, just not Mom. Dad was waiting for me in the living room. 

“Hey, Happy New Year!” Dad wished me. 

“You too, Dad” I replied. After sitting and making dull conversation for thirty minutes, we head over to the dinner table to say what we are grateful for. I’m grateful for Mom to have been in my life. I’m grateful for Dad. Am I grateful for Margret? As we arrived, I noticed there weren't any green beans at the table. Mom loved the green beans. I also noticed that there wasn't a plate set up for Mom anymore like we had every year since she had passed.

  “Sweetie, you can go first,” Dad said. 

“Um, ok. I’m thankful for…” I paused to think. What was the right thing to say? Is there a right thing to say? “I’m grateful for Mom, for always being there for me. Dad, I’m grateful for you because you helped me through the tough times.” As my mind shifted to Margaret, suddenly rage rose within me. “ And Margret, I’m not thankful for you, for barging into my life and trying to replace my mom. Now please, excuse me.” I stormed off, slamming the door behind me as if I was sixteen again. 

As soon as the words came out of my mouth I knew they were wrong. I sat on the last step bordering Dad’s house, sobbing. I need Mom here with me. I wish she were here with me. Margret is a nice lady, why can’t I accept her into our family? I grabbed my purse to get my phone, ready to call Ryan. He would help me, he always did. As I scrimmaged through my bag, trying to find my phone, I was interrupted by a sudden hand on my shoulder. I looked over to see Margret.

“Hey, how are you doing.” She sincerely asked me, making me feel that much worse I lashed out at her. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, you’ve done nothing to deserve that tonight. I’m sorry.” I meant the apology, but it still didn’t change the fact that I was still mad. Not necessarily at Margret, but more so because I want to honor Mom’s memory, and how can I do that when Dad is with someone else?

“ I understand, don’t worry about it. Look, I know you’re not at your best right now, but I just want to tell you something. I’m not trying to replace your mother, no one could replace the impact she had on your life. I know it is hard to see, but just know that I am here for you, as a friend.” She truthfully explained to me.

I paused for a minute to think about my reaction before acting upon it, “Thank you. That means more to me than you will ever know.”

“It’s okay, I would have reacted similarly if I were you. Now, would you like to join us for dinner? I heard you made your mother’s lovely mashed potatoes. I would love to try it!” She invited me.

I followed her back into the house where Dad nervously sat, awaiting my reaction to what had happened. “ We are okay,” I told him. “Shall we continue with dinner? I made Mom’s famous mashed potatoes this year!”

I couldn’t forgive Margret, because she hadn’t done anything wrong. Her telling me that she wasn’t trying to replace Mom and that she wanted to be my friend, gave me closure. The closure that Mom’s memory would live on and be honored; that Dad would be happy again; that I could start to move past my doubts about Margret; and even more, that we would be able to continue to act like family without the pain, with Margret by our side. I did it. I finally accomplished my New Years' resolution! I know this is what Mom would have wanted. We continued to cheerfully eat and talk together for the rest of the night. I realized that Margret becoming part of this family doesn't mean she had to replace Mom, but she could be part of our family in other ways. New traditions and memories didn’t mean replacing the old ones, just as Margret marrying Dad doesn’t mean replacing Mom. From then on, New Years' became a holiday to look forward to and to enjoy when it came. 

Just after we announced the new year, we decided to make a toast.

With a joyful smile on my face, I announced, “To the old … and new.”.