The smoking area

‘Why did you come out here?’

‘Too hot. Not a night for all black attire.’

‘Yeah you didn’t think that one through, did you?’ she opened her palm, gesturing for the lighter. She lit her cigarette, took a drag and pondered. ‘You know- I fucking hate this place.’

‘How come?’ I perched myself on the wall. The moisture seeped between my jeans. I was too tipsy to care.

‘I just think it’s pretty shit. I mean, there’s nothing special about this place is there?’

‘No I suppose there isn’t, I get what you mean. Every time I come here I feel like a grandad.’

‘Yeah, full of kids isn’t it.’

‘There’s nowhere else to go though. The bull and dog closes at 11.30 then liquid closes at 12. I think we only come here because its open til 2’

‘Yeah but you see everyone here and when everyone you know is in once place all pissed up then there’s always drama.’

‘Yeah, you’re not wrong.’

‘The music is shit too. If I hear Ed Sheeran one more time, I’m going to blow my brains out.’ I smiled at her, the music was pretty dire to be fair.

‘I wouldn’t get too upset about it though. There’s a big world out there with different pubs and clubs.’

‘Yeah. I know. When I was little I always wanted to live in Barcelona.’

‘Oh yeah? What’s stopping you?’

‘You.’ She said. She didn’t move. I rolled my shoulders, looked at the floor and then back at her.

‘We’ve talked about this.’

‘I know, but you asked what’s stopping me from moving away from here and the answer is well,  you.’

‘Bit unfair, don’t you think?’

‘Yeah, it is,’ she took a drag and looked upwards. ‘I still have a lot of regrets about us.’

‘We were kids. I fucked up, you fucked up. We felt things at different times. The desynchronised pendulum of young adulthood- you know? ’

‘You’ve always had a way with words, summarising situations nicely.’

‘I suppose that Literature degree wasn’t a complete waste then.’

‘At least you completed your degree.’

We sat there, silently freezing, smoking and mutually hoping that our cigarettes wouldn’t end.

‘You know,’ I said, ‘I did love you.’

‘And I loved you after you loved me.’

‘I wish I had a time machine. There’s so much I would change.’

‘What would you change?’

I considered it.

‘But then there’s so much I wouldn’t change as well.’

‘Yeah…’

‘Like when we went to maccies at 3am and watched the sunrise across the pier.’

‘Best chicken nuggets I’ve ever had.’

‘Or when we watched England play Colombia and you weren’t bothered before the game but 2 hours later you were chanting Eric Dier’s name in the streets.’

‘Ha! What can I say?’

‘Just admit you love football.’

Then we were interrupted.

‘Oooh sorry! You weren’t about to kiss again were you? We’re properly pissed you know, do you want to come subway?’ She dropped her phone and her eyelash was coming off. Bedtime.

‘We’ll join you guys in a bit.’

‘Okay and REMEMBER TO USE PROTECTION.’

‘Noted.’

‘She’s probably going to break up with her boyfriend yanno,’ she said.

‘That’s a shame.’

‘Nah, he’s a bit a dickhead really.’

‘That’s my friend you’re talking about.’

‘I know you think the same.’

I laughed. ‘He just, yano, interacts with girls differently.’

‘You mean he cheats on them?’

‘You could say that… okay yeah he’s a bit of dickhead.’

We laughed. Her head briefly rested on my shoulder. I squeezed her resting hand.

‘Where are you staying tonight,’ she asked.

‘Parents.’

‘I’ve a free house you know.’

‘I’d love to. But-‘

‘-But?’ she looked me in the eyes.

‘Every time we do this, it seems to cause us more trouble.’

‘I’ve missed your-’ she clenched my groin and bit her lip. I stood up.

‘You’re drunk, lets go home.’

We left. We could hear the others a few streets ahead. We walked. I held her phone whilst she rummaged through her purse for her bank card.

We went to an ATM. I stood back whilst she tapped in her pin.

‘You know its still the same, you don’t have to stand a million miles back.’

We walked. Got some food. We sat on the step of the Market Cross, away from the others. I checked my phone. Various missed calls and messages.

‘Where’d you go?

Pissface is throwing up. Will be back.’

‘Bro! Kebab house! You want sumthing 2 eat??’              

‘What are you laughing at?’ she said.

‘My friends. Can’t handle their booze.’

‘Who’s your best friend?’

I considered this. ‘Erm, I guess I don’t have one really, they’re all top lads but, yeno, I guess we don’t really do best friends.’

‘Jeezus.’

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Nah go on, what is it?’

‘Nah you won’t take me seriously because I’m pissed up and eating a subway like a pig.’

‘I’ve seen worse. I’m going to have to be persistent. What did I say?’

‘You didn’t say anything per se. It’s just, well, and I know I’m pissed right now and have probably been out of order with some of stuff tonight, but… your friends. I like some of them but I mean look at them then look at yourself. They’re wastemen and then there’s you. With all your ability and intelligence,’ she took a bite out of her subway and continued, ‘I hope you get out of this shithole town and find better people to live your life with. You deserve the best, you really fucking do.’

‘Thanks. I hope you end up happy too.’

‘No, Michael. I mean it. You’re better than all of this. This place is tragic. It’s a wasteland.’

‘Wow, well I mean it’s not a complete dump.’

‘I’m just sick of it and you should be too. Don’t let this place be your limit.’

I took a moment to think. The air was cold and the floor was damp. The light above us was flickering faintly. And then it went out. We didn’t move, we both looked up.

The cosmos was a deep blue tonight. The stars were tainted with more silver than usual. Their gloss was sobering.  I looked at them long enough to forget where I was, numb with thought, I rose. I stared at them some more. Such distant possibility was intriguing albeit overwhelming. I wanted to pluck the brightest one out of the sky and put it in my pocket.

‘I’m going to get a taxi. Are you coming? You need your bed I think.’

‘Yeah, let’s go.’