A Fool of a Friend

No matter what, Rose's doe irises would always be the embodiment of innocence to the dark smoke-inspired make up clad eyes of Sam. Rose liked to workout but she was small and slim; her oversized sweaters, space buns and thin-rimmed glasses on a small nose definitely doing her cute nerd aesthetic justice. Sam barely did anything other than eat, sleep, tangle the methodologies of multiple sports, and of course, make effort to rock her looks while doing so.

They were interesting. So I decided to make them the protagonists of my life story instead of myself. After all, I didn't quite make it into any category or a specific role in our friendship–other than the silent observer, that is. 

I remember our first encounter like the location of the only freckle on my body, which was discovered by Rose when she was painting a Lilly on my pinky. The sky had thin distant clouds that day; a faint moon could be spotted in the haze of daybreak by any seeker. 

I was out for a morning walk to ponder my college major but ended up staring at my swinging feet from a bench-like rock. There was no one at sight but the sound of a bouncing ball faintly amended the air. With short breaks, the sound remained a melodic harmony with the irregular chirping of birds as images of myself in different uniforms soared through my mind.

'Alas, peace was always but an interrupted moment,' I had thought dramatically upon a loud ambiguity of a shriek and a growl. And then came soft hisses before screams of chaos. Apprehensively, I had gotten up to check the source of the peace-breaker, instinctively making my way towards the basketball court.

Surely, my instincts hadn't fooled me for I had found a familiar face from school shouting at someone I'd never shout at at first sight. When I had realized that the familiar face was the infamous innocent ball of sunshine, my feet had carried me towards the nuisance before I could debate what I was doing. 

"..excuse.. judge.. mock..," the bickering had been as hazy as the air until it wasn't. Both of them had turned to look at me. Realizing that I wasn't supposed to be there, nosing into their business, I pretended to continue a pre-planned pathway towards the other end of the court before the taller amongst them had stopped me with a "hey!"

I'd spent about half an hour trying to be a righteous decision maker for their fallout about (as they, had sandwiched around introductions) how Rose shouldn't have laughed at Sam's mysterious insect-induced traumatic shriek and that Sam shouldn't have called her interesting names that distracted her from her Summer Readathon.

In the process of doing so, we had jumped, drifted, walked or ran– I don't remember how, but we had somehow reached it– to the reason we were at the park. And although it had been different forms of coping with a situation, all three of us were brainstorming while simultaneously trying to get rid of an internal hurricanic turmoil about our futures. Unsurprisingly (since we were in the town's park in the morning) we had discovered our common educational centres as well, except Sam had studied in private.

I don't really see why I had thought we'd be best friends forever back then. But I suppose, the almost daily encounters and deep conversations had an appreciable role in it. The way they'd bicker over entitled opinions as if they didn't have a care in the world if the other found out they supported homicide– which wasn't actually the case but their opinions were as obnoxious as that, in my opinion at least– I had thought nothing could let the grasp between their heartstrings set loose. Even if I slipped away.

I had assumed they'd reach an age of minimum memory and rheumatism at least before their own memory and physical capabilities allowed them friendship no more. But even that had seemed like a time that would never come, with the unlimited banter of knowledgeable literature and psychology they shared; all that exercise and sport they performed. Even though I was a blurry image in between, with bare minimum clue of who I was, I'd found happiness in them.

Whether it was no time at all or was a fragment of my short life, I had tranformed from a self-delving overthinker to a worriless observer. Unfortunately, I was fooled into oblivion of that being unhealthier than the former as I got to know them– or perhaps watched them as they got to know each other.

It was sometime near our mid twenties when I had realized how toxic everything had become; how I was living a dream too far from reality; too far from myself.

Of course it wasn't all wrong, but majority of our friendship was a mess of emotions and representation. I knew that Rose liked flowers, fruit kernels, reading and writing. I knew Sam liked basketball, fashion, cookies and dreaming. Both of them knew that about each other and so much more. But none among us knew much about me.

Paralleled to our earliest encounter, their bickerings were a step away from physical duels. They were simply too different to understand each other and I was too far gone to be the righteous judge I was back then; I'd known too little of myself to present a suggestion of who should apologize and stop being unreasonable.

That's when everything had started to fall apart; when I'd reduced my significance as they became too frank with their words. That's when I realized I needed to get my life together; to let them go. And then came a point when I realized that that wasn't falling apart, but it was growing up; now.

I know I'm more than a little late to this realization but I know that most people despite knowing don't know of their significance, which is meant to be just as much as healthy human relationships i.e. the complexity of life.

Human relationships can start from any point. It may be dark, bright, dull, blue or whatever shade of emotion it started with, which has a lot to do with the way we interact with others. But the shade can change at any point and there's nothing wrong with that. We need to stay true to ourselves and keep a strong grasp on who we are as we give and get support in mutual relationships.

So yes, Rose, Sam, and I's knot of friendship in undone. But that does not, in any way, suggest that it never existed. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for them. And thankfully, I've realized, they wouldn't be themselves if it wasn't for me.

Frankly, I'm glad I've managed to reached this mindset through mistakes and lessons along with being on the recieving end of business fraud. Because now that I've observed, cherished and regretted, I'm ready to start on my own.