Disconnecting from the real world

I may have slammed the door too hard. I can still hear the loud bang it made after I closed it on my way out of her room. Maybe I overreacted again and the anger got the better of me once more. But I can’t just sit there listening to her reproaches anymore. It’s making me sick. The way she keeps telling me I’m never going to make it, how she belittles me in every possible way. Every day it’s the same old story about me not reaching my true potential because I’m too lazy or `cuz I’m not trying hard enough. It’s making me crazy how little faith mom has in me. So what if I still don’t know what I want to do with my life, where I want to go to college? I’m not even 17 yet! I still have time. She makes me so mad. Mad at her, at myself, at the world. Sometimes all I want to do is-

Whoah, how did I get here? I don’t remember entering the park. But it has me speechless. I’m pretty sure the sun wasn’t shining so bright today and yet the park is drowned in light. It’s like all of a sudden all the clouds scattered. Maybe they ran away from my anger. Hah, what a silly thought. If clouds could feel my emotions they wouldn’t even have time to run away. They would just break apart right before my eyes, they wouldn’t be able to contain their tears and then it would rain havoc. I can’t believe I was on the verge of crying myself-again- but I just noticed how brightly the sun shines here and now it’s almost like my anger was put aside to make way for all these rays of sunshine. I’m getting so warm all of a sudden! I feel like burning under my jacket. Better take it off. This pleasant breeze surrounds me and I can almost forget about mom, about everything. Right now it’s just me and this balmy atmosphere, just the awakening nature and me. 

I can’t believe this is the first time I notice spring is really here. Bye-bye arctic winter and hello blissful spring. All of a sudden the peacefulness of the park hits me at once. It’s like all my senses are spiking up: I can hear the chirping of swallows so clearly. It’s like their song is pumping right in my imaginary headphones. The trees are still naked but I can already imagine cherry flowers beginning to grow. I know there aren’t any cherry trees around here but my imagination has no limits. Already as a small child, I was living in a made-up world where people were kind and problems didn’t exist. Where everything was pink and cherry trees were sprinkled around the globe. I was weaving all these stories about my little rose-colored planet and wishing from all my heart that it could really be like that: no anger, no tears, no moms who are constantly telling me to wake up, to grow up. 

But the truth is, I am grown up. I can see all the terrible stuff going around. I can see mom tearing herself apart and blaming herself for my lack of skills. How she wishes I were more talented and knew what I wanted to do with my life. I can see how she hates herself for having me live without a father, how she regrets doing what was best for her. But I never needed my dad. I never blamed mom for anything. All she wants from me is to do better than her. To find a well-payed job and a loving husband. But maybe that’s not what I truly want. Maybe I don’t care about money so much like I care about being happy and at peace with myself. Maybe I don’t want to marry and live my life according to a male specimen. I want to be free, to travel the world, to see those cherry trees I long for. Because life is short and I want to enjoy every moment of it. Maybe I am a dreamer. 

Maybe that’s all I am and mom is right. I’m never going to make it. And no one will ever like me because I’m so stubborn and I don’t take care of myself enough. Well guess what, mom? It’s hard to stand tall when every moment of the day I fill like crumbling inside. It’s hard to be confident when I don’t even dare to lift my gaze from the ground. When I feel so small and insignificant like one of these insects flying around. I’m scared of everything around me but what terrifies me most is the future. That’s why I choose not to think about it too much. Because the truth is I am scared. I’m scared all your worries will come true and I won’t reach anything in life. I’m scared I’m too frail and naive for this world. And maybe I hate myself just as you do. Because I know that deep down you hate me with an enormous force.

God, why can’t I stop being like this? It’s such a beautiful day and here I am complaining and being mad like always. Come on, pull yourself together. Inhale, exhale. Breathe in the smell of the snowdrops and relax. This stroll is longer than expected but I feel compelled to this overpowering nature of the park. It’s magical, like a place from my dreams. The only difference is that in my dreams I’m always surrounded by people whereas here I’m walking alone. And this solitude is really ominous. How come it’s so deserted here? It’s like everything is only meant for me to see. Like my own piece of pink heaven. I wish I could bring my bed out here and cover myself in tulips. I actually want you to see this too, mom. You’d like that. Maybe if you see this you’ll understand what I want my world to look like. 

Why can’t I live here? Why do I have to go back to reality?! I want to climb one of these trees and scream my name out. I want to put my mark on this place. I wish everything was just as tranquil as my park. No-not my park. It’s not mine. I may be alone now but others have surely come through here too. And they will continue to come. It’s not a fantasy place. It is real. And maybe it’s so charming because this day is just so sunlit. Maybe on grey days the ambiance completely changes. But I don’t want to think how the park looks on damp, rainy days, I don’t want to picture shadows. All I want is to enjoy this for a couple more minutes. 

My phone starts ringing but I am not going to look at who it is. I already know it’s you telling me to come back. You’re going to say you’re sorry for going overboard about my future again. And I know you are. You just can’t help it. You are worried about me. Who doesn’t want a bright future for her daughter? But you are stressing me too much about it. I swear one day I’m going to explode. Ugh, I wish this stupid phone would stop ringing. I don’t want to hear you! All I want to do is continue my stroll in peace for God’ sake, is that too much to ask for? Who knows when there will be another day like this one. Sadly, the light is slowly fading. So even a place as bright as this gets dark sometimes.. Ok I might as well take that call. Ok this is not mom's number... please don’t tell me it’s the hospital again, please, please, she was doing fine when I left. Ok, here goes nothing-

No. No, I left her side only for a moment how could this happen? Why are nurses so stupid, why can’t they do anything? You’ve been feeling well this morning, mom... I have to get to you at once. I leave the hospital for one moment and there you go having another cardiac arrest. 

What is wrong with me?! It’s not normal to think that. It’s all my fault. I know you are sick. God, I am horrible. Why can’t I be more understanding? I’m so so selfish. I make you worry too much. I am the one responsible for your poor health and for the fact that nowadays you are dependent on all these meds. For the fact that the hospital has become more of a home to you than our own house. I feel so sorry for always taking what you say the bad way. You only want me to be happy even if your way of showing this is too extreme sometimes. I should be more patient. Instead, I run off every time and you only get more distressed and agitated. 

I don’t want to stay in my dream world. I need to be near you, to hear your heartbeat to know you are still alive. Because the reality is, even on such a beautiful day you are still sick. Even if there’s spring out here, in my heart there is still winter, my hopes gradually freezing over. I can’t hide away in my mind forever. Nor can I stay here any longer. You need me next to you. You need to know I will be alright. And I need you to get through this. I don’t care how doctors are telling us your condition is critical. I don’t care that you already wrote your will. I don’t care that grandma is preparing for the worst. You must get better. Because without you even this place would seem dark. Goodbye sunny park, goodbye beautiful weather. When mom will get better I’ll bring her here and I’ll show her my cherry trees and I’ll try to make her see the beauty I see, the beauty that could be. 

Please mom, I’m coming.