Toto, Wine, Crocodiles

My friend Bing is a true believer. He’s the kind of man who drives to Texas to get hairplugs and comes back with partial ownership in an oil well in Arkansas. Apparently, many men lie down in these barberchairs while a sewing machine with a flexible table weaves in human hair and Rogaine Roots to their scalp. The sewing machines are quiet, and the non-barber has to cut the hair threads when they reach around 6 inches long, and then Bing was supposed to wait a day before final styling, looking like a hippy rock star from the days of Glam Rock. Only after a day of settling can he try to make his first haircut and decide upon his new look and get the new hair dyed to perfectly match the old.

But this man is such a talker and listener, and believer that he bought an oil well from the man getting hair plugs next to him instead.

Now Debbie, Bing’s wife, is also a person of consciousness and faith. She took the news of their impending oil drilling with some celebration because Debbie likes to toast to good news and this is why she is such a cheerful person.

It was decided that the couple should keep an eye on their new business by finally linking their computer to the World Wide Web. Their understanding was that oil cowboys spent most of the day wrangling droplets of crude from the earth and didn’t have time to reply to every piece of traditional mail. Besides, as soon as the letter was stamped, the news becmae outdated, and Bing and Debbie wanted to watch their investment grow, as some people like to watch a sports team progress by various degrees of statistics.

To join the live cam that the oil company had put over the oil fields, Bing and Debbie had to establish emails, which they had resisted getting for ten years. They had to register with an account for overall Google management, added a picture of themselves from their wedding to be a profile picture, believing Bingham Condorff to be a very common name in the old country as well as Deborah La Speke.

Wouldn’t you know it as soon as their emails were opened for the first time, they both got invitations to join the Round Table Pizza Event? They received long lost letters from their relatives who casually thought the two had been dead. And then, they both saw an email from a lawyer in the Capital of Kenya. This was a law office which had been trying to reach them for several years, but could not track them down sooner because many legitimate businesses get filtered into the spam files from Nairobi.

Debbie put her hand over her husband’s hand and asked, “Maybe we shouldn’t open it. The kids are talking about computers which get viruses without even kissing.”

Bing thought that was silly. “No one’s going to get a virus unless someone sneezes or someone forgets to wash their hand before supper.”

Debbie always washed her hands before cooking.

So the couple clicked on the email from the Nairobian Lawyer together, a great satisfying conundrum from the Law Offices of Mr. George.

They were stunned.

Bing turned to his wife and asked, “What do you want to do with it?”

Bing felt that the Nile River belonged to Debbie, since it was her Uncle who claimed the source back in 1852, and that it really didn't matter that they were married. In his mind, this should be considered ‘sole and separate property’ because their ancient customs were to always leave enough money for the wife of a relationship to escape. As Debbie had no living relatives and Bing had never offered her father a dowry, nor did they share a very lavish wedding ceremony, he felt that his wife, who shared all of her life, should retain this one thing.

It’s only the Nile.

“Technically, it’s Lake Victoria if we force the natives to revert to the original name.”

Both spouses were old enough to remember when the British Empire dissolved piece by piece as local governments asked to become protectorates or independent. There was nothing very wrong with dependent territories growing up and leaving the nest. Why, Debbie and Bing couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if America hadn’t grown up and left the fold. “Do you think I should give it all back to the people? What should I do?”

Bingham didn’t really know since he had never owned more than a car or a house in his life. The oil company was still a new venture as a minor stake partner, he didn’t feel like flying out to Arkansas and telling anyone to grow grass between the well heads because the land looked very sterile. Junior Partners must bide their time and only make minimal changes.

The couple turned off all the lights in their house, got in front of their roundabout fire stove, and began to pray. Suddenly, a small ember from the remains of their paperlog took a small gust of wind from the flue and became lit. The couple leaned away from their 1960s-style woodstove and whispered, “It's like Moses and the bush.”

Debbie nodded her head very quickly and didn’t want to look away because she needed some instruction. They looked through the view screen as the log became so bright that it positively glowed a random piece of news on the bend of the paperlog. The newspaper caption was about Zahi Hawassi finding ____ on Elephant Island, an island on a cataract in the world’s longest river.

They said “amen” and quickly typed in Elephant Island to see if it was a remote part of the river system, if it was considered part of the inheritance of the Nile, or if they would have to buy a complement of planes and torpedos to protect this little piece of paradise.

They also realized that people had begun living on the various parts of the waters of Lake Nyanza because Portuguese Pirates were still grabbing people as late as 1906. Debbine shrank away from the articles. “I couldn’t imagine charging them any money because it's not their fault they had to live there.”

Bing knew that it was very tricky to get old rents nearly 12,000 miles away. Also, the price of eviction orders was supposed to be tremendous. In California, you could bankrupt yourself trying to get your own property back once the squatters got a lawyer. Bing kissed the top of her head.

“It’s completely up to you, but it seems much more prudent to start looking toward the future.”

The Answar Damn would have to be moved. Egypt had never asked permission from any of the Speke family to put a wall over their private waterway. Bing tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Hold on, sweetie. Business is just about avoiding a loss as much as it is about making a gain. We have to really take a look at our liability before we pursue.”

Debbie was hot. She had never had a large piece of Geography in her name before. If her Great Uncle Speke wanted that she should keep the family interest alive until the Messiah came to change the Earth, then she would do her part. Bing had to get to work summoning mercenaries, perhaps the locals wouldn’t be very expensive if the dollar held its value.

To this end, Bing went to the Bank of America and cleared his account the next day. The teller was very sad to see him leave, and Bing was sad because he enjoyed the complimentary lollipops, which reminded him of visiting a doctor when he was young. They agreed to put half his family savings in traveler’s checks, and the other half could be turned into precious stones, which are easily transferable. Bing didn’t want to even think of the imaginary conveyance this woman called Bytecoin. His people had sewn in precious stones in their clothes for years whenever there was great traveling to venture.

His next stop was the newsstand where he was about to buy a copy of Soldiers of Fortune. The best place to get mercenaries is suredly the back of the magazine, where the small 50-word advertisements had gotten him Mermen (kelp), a vacuum cleaner hoverboard, and his first job at Mason Shoes. There was nothing in the world like classified advertisements to save a life.

The kiosk owner knew exactly what he was looking for and quickly asked Bing, “Are you looking for an army & for which continent, my guy?”

Bing wanted to keep it secret, yet finally admitted he was looking toward the Dark Continent and understood that the locals might have 20 different languages. That’s when the kiosk seller, despite his better judgment, showed Bing how to use Google Translator to decently speak any language. “You don’t have to hire soldiers of fortune over here and fly them all back to… wherever. It is much more economical if you buy local talent and then no have to pay for hotels and planes and taxis. Do you understand, my guy?”

Bing totally understood and was very grateful that the magazine merchant was not from Africa and did not ask too many more questions. He hurried home and asked Debbie if she still had their passports from the time they went to The Miwok Nation located near Wilton Rancheria. She did. They didn’t win any casino money that night, but they kept their passport so they could make it home.

This was very good.

Ans regarde la vistas… they couldn’t imagine needing a vista to see their own property, t’wit they decided to email their lawyer in Nairobi to prepare a way for them, including vistas, and that they should hope to visit him soon.

According to the modern maps, Tanzania, Uganda, and Kenya all neighbor their property. However, there were 8 more countries actually receiving the benefit downstream. The big question in their hearts was how to deal with Egypt since Egypt had pretended to have an identity complex over their water since the earliest human writings. (The water didn’t even belong to Egypt!)

Debbie didn’t at all care for trespassers, nevertheless she tried to be very open-minded when Bing warned that he had been to the library and made some calls.

She was incensed. “Why didn’t you just type it into google? I know how you hate to drive anymore.”

Bing waved his hands as if to say it was a long story and that he needed some coaching to ask the right question. Gladys, the reference librarian was very helpful. He showed her the list:

Good

-Libya has planes and tanks for sale. Surplus sales: xxxxxx@KadafiForever.org

-The illegal hydroelectric damn is actually part of an energy egress but can be calculated by a rate/flow conversion and back-charged by a portion of the prevailing net value of the electricity.

Bad

-Elephant Island and all “land” surrounded by THEIR Nile Water is actually held captive by their property and interferes with Egypt’s property.

-All “islands” in the Nile or its Delta are legally the property of Egypt, including the Library of Alexandria (if it is ever found), and Bing & Debbie may be liable for its demise.

-If someone urinates or an animal dies in Lake Victoria and gets anyone/thing sick in the surrounding 11 countries, Bing and Debbie are personally responsible.

-England has an estate tax and would like a valuation within the next 72 days.

The enormity of this gift, ex parte of their lives, became very contentious. How would they manage the inheritance? Debbie knew that Proverbs 31 directed her to expand her business, if it was a business. Lake Victoria and its famous offspring (the Nile) were going to be very expensive to manage or control. Why had greater people than themselves so heartily failed? Alexander and Napoleon barely took a cup of water, received their statues as liberators, and quickly left. The flow of personal fortunes cannot withstand the power of the current forever. All things must drown.

“We could have half a glass to celebrate… since the news is only half good.”

Debbie and Bing knew they would have to be buried soon, and they were married at a time when it was no longer fashionable to have children perform chores; it was not required to have children decide upon their convalescent hospital or decide when their driver’s license should be taken away. In fact, children haven’t been required since the last draft war, maybe the 1970s.

“Well, what would you like to do with the Nile when we are gone?”

How about that? What a strange question. Having no children of their own and being fairly mixed if they should spoil their few nieces and nephews, Debbie was about to suggest they should build up the glory of the Nile and leave it to a group like the Sierra Club. She once donated a dollar and The Sierra Club has been sending her monthly magazines ever since.

It seemed to Bing that England had given back all of its property because the hassles of controlling every aspect of the world required many beurocracies. He rememberedd the words of the great Hebrew philosopher, “A man should have a plan or join someone else’s plan.” Debbie looked at her husband because she recognized the enormous responsibility and could not, no matter how much she wanted, decide upon a way to share this gift so that everybody might be more enriched together.

“Ask Google what kind of wine comes from the area, please.”

Bing was trying to remember what else he found while asking Google for wine regional varieties.

“I’ve checked into it and we can probably buy a small fleet of second-hand gunships but no planes. There’s a man in Kabul with a first-generation French Deringer.”

Debbie nodded.

‘Lake Victory wine’ query produced the names of wines found in Australia. Bing want to get back to the screen with the international rules on tenant rights. He didn't know how to split the screen or open a new tab yet.

“The real trouble is that we could just as easily hire a lawyer to quicken the Demand Letters and the lawsuits which always come about with these sort of projects. So we can take back your Lake and the river by force or we should bring a suit. Which way are you leaning?”

“Bing, my love…”

He felt warm and smiled. “Yes, Debbie?”

She took his hands in hers and whispered, “I always wanted to explore children with you but it was never the time. Do you think we can make time?”

*

And this is how a great scurrey about a lake and its river became the world’s largest water-themed park. Children can now pet real loving crocodiles who are trained to never bite them at the beginning of the noon day hour.

Teenagers who desire to be noticed as adults can now dive into the abyss of the 272 foot lake and receive one of the ten million ownership shares of the lake which are anchored at varying depths. Each share is non-transferable and can only be redeemed by one person unless they get Schistosomiasis,, a disease provided by snails which are slow, and die.

Hippopotamus tickling has been developed for the adult escorts who don’t want to take the 8-hour rafting trip down the Nile.

There are corporate sponsors for all of the events, like OPEC power boats rentals, PETA human clothing outlet, and the Bureau of National Antiquities sends up a few minor mummies each season for leg rides.

The real winner in what the BBC termed “The Reclamation of the Nile” is that archaeologists finally identified the “fine wines” they found in the tombs of Egypt. Debbie and Bing wouldn't force the Egyptian government to rename the river “The Speke” or, if Bing might offer, “Bad Natalie” after his older sister. Instead, the couple graciously exchanged their water claim for a vintage that mixed Muscat of Alexandria with fig and date.

They called this new ambrosia Debbie Patra and claimed it could charm any man into a lifetime of fidelity. The company motto: She who takes the cork unscrews the life.

Illa quae corticem sumit, praetexit vitam