The faded Feeling

A myriad of messages popped up on my screen. The abandoned WhatsApp group 'BMS engineering batch 2000' rose to life. As I started scrolling down the messages a jerk of excitement, fear and anxiety travelled down my spine. Everyone had agreed for a meet up at 'Hotel Trinity Isle'. I put up a thumbs up accompanied by a smiley. My mind dint quite process the smiley vibe nor the thumbs up. I lay on my bed and a flash of memories opened up one after another.

Ten years seemed like yesterday. I could feel the aroma of the wooden benches in my classroom, the chattering of girls who never fell in short of 'topics for discussion'. I remembered the face of Advaitha, my best friend. She was a tall fair girl with beady eyes. I admired her beauty and boldness. We enjoyed each other's company for a long time but things changed during the final year of our college.

It was the day before our graduation. We voluntarily decided to help our juniors to decorate for the event. We definitely needed our graduation to be better than the previous batches. We decided to stay up late cause so that we could get the work done by morning. Advaitha had asked me to help her with the lightings in the office room. 'Twist and Shout' by Beatles played in the corner of the room as we arranged the lightings. Once we were done, we settled in the corner watching the gleaming lights that gave a classy touch to the room. She didn't speak a word nor did I. We held our hands and smiled at each other. Soon the silence took a different turn. She started coming closer. I remained stiff cause I knew that she would feel bad if I pulled myself back. Soon I could feel her breath on my face. I thought she was gonna scream into my ears or maybe point out a tiny insect on my face. But what really happened was completely different from what I had thought.She gently planted a kiss on my lips. I was taken aback. I didn't run, nor shout. I closed my eyes wishing to disappear. That was my first kiss and I never expected it to be from a girl. I couldn't summarize what I had felt. When I opened my eyes, she was gone. I couldn't speak to her after that. I needed to ask her 'why' and tell her to forget what had happened. But I couldn't even find a trace of her. Exams kept us busy .I wanted to meet her but she kept avoiding me. She turned her head away when her eyes caught mine. This drove me mad. I felt I deserved an explanation and she was not giving it. I told about the incident to one of my classmate when we were in an intense game of truth or dare. The moment I spoke about it,feelings of regret filled my soul. Things started getting uglier. Yes,words do travel faster. Many of my classmates came up to me and advised me to stay away from Advaitha. I was worried cause I didn't expect things would turn out this way. All I wanted was her to speak to me. I hated the silence between us. Soon everyone distanced themselves from Advaitha and I couldn't gather up the courage to go meet her and console her,say it was okay and maybe give her a hug. As we were done with our last exam our classroom was filled with tears of joy mixed with tears of pain cause we all knew that it was time to go our separate ways. We hugged each other and parted our ways. I wanted to meet Advaitha and tell her that I was sorry. I waited for her to come out of her classroom. As soon as she stepped out she saw me. She picked up her bag and walked away from me. She stopped half way from the hallway,took a letter from her bag and placed it on the floor. She looked back and gave one last glance. Soon she faded away from my sight. I picked up the letter and tears rolled down my cheeks as I read the only word she wrote on it. 'Sorry'. I couldn't forgive myself.I wanted to be the one to apologize. I spend my nights crying thinking of her. I would sometimes recall the gentle kiss and as time passed by I realized I didn't hate it, I was just confused.

I started questioning a lot of things and started seeing people in a different way. I realized that I was attracted to women with strong personalities. I applied for an IT job in India after doing my MS in UK and got selected. I met a girl who was bold and Cheerful. We shared mutual feelings. Her name was Lucy. We got married in a cruise ship under the bright blue sky. She has been the dearest being to me ever since and sometimes I would wonder whether things would have been different if my first kiss wasn't from a girl.

I dressed myself in a short yellow skirt with flower prints and a plane white shirt. I greeted my friends, spoke of moments and weird vague memories. I waited patiently for one person, Advaitha. Is she gonna remember me? Is she happy? Many questions invaded my mind.I started preparing my mind on how to greet her and what to tell. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed a beaded eyes among the crowd. Yes, it was her. She was clinging on to a bearded man. Our eyes met and she gave a gentle smile. She came up to me, she didn't speak. I told the word 'sorry' a million times in my mind but my mouth dint dare to utter a single word. All I could notice was the smile on her face. A little boy came running towards her. ''Mom, can I take those chocolates? ". She held my hand, nodded her head gave a big smile and walked into the crowd holding her little boy.