Just Say It

   It was a beautiful night as you lay up gazing at the stars with your lover Joey on the back of Joey’s car. You are talking about life in general and exchanging past stories with one another. You look into those deep brown eyes that belonged to Joey and your heart begins to beat faster and harder. It was late, much after midnight and no one else around but the two of you. You turn to look back at the stars with a side grin on your face. You were bursting with joy on the inside of just being in the presence of Joey and spending time together, but there was still a lot weighing heavy on your mind. There were thoughts racing back and forth inside of your mind that was holding you back. You had only been in one real relationship before meeting Joey and very confused about your feelings. There was one thing that you weren’t sure about, however, you felt love for Joey. Are you in love with Joey though? Or was it just the overwhelming feelings of something new and exciting that made you feel good on the inside? Joey makes you happy when you are around him. His touch and embrace warms your whole body. You had been seeing Joey for a few months through mutual friends and eventually started to spend more one-on-one time together and actually getting to know the real Joey; the Joey that everyone else didn’t get to see. Nothing had been made official between the two of you just yet, because Joey still had previous engagements with his ex-girlfriend. Joey’s ex-girlfriend, Miranda, was still in and out of the picture and trying to make Joey’s life miserable. She did not want Joey to move on, especially not with you. The happiness that Joey had when he was with you was clearly not something he shared with Miranda, and you had seen this first hand. However, there was still a lot of history between Miranda and Joey and you did not want to overstep your boundaries. You enjoyed the bond that you had developed with Joey, and one thing you knew for sure was that you were falling hard for Joey. You look over at Joey again and he smiles back at you. Joey grabs your hand and pulls you close to him and you lean your head on Joey’s chest and you can hear his heartbeat. His heartbeat, similar to yours, was beating just a little too fast and just a little too hard. You were nervous, but clearly he was too. These feelings could not just be from out of nowhere. Your heart feels like it swells up with love as you hear his heartbeat start to slowly ease up and as your heartbeat starts to match his. Next thing you know, the two of you are in synch with each other. This was a sign. You knew it was time. It was time to say it. I love you Joey. I love you, and I can’t imagine not being with you. You remembered the time that Joey was taking you to his house the first time. It was a long, small road that had lots of curves and dips and Joey was driving your truck entirely too fast. You were scared. Joey noticed he was scaring you but instead of slowing down, he just reached out for you and held your hand and encouraged you to enjoy the ride and have fun. It was an adventure to Joey, almost like a roller coaster. Trying to get the words to actually exit your mouth felt much like that ride to Joey’s house. You weren’t sure if Joey felt the same way for you, and it could potentially ruin the bond that was already set in place. You looked up at Joey who was still gazing up at the stars, and as he felt your glances, he looked down into your eyes. You both felt the connection. “What is it?” he smiled. “I can tell you have something on your mind.” You were just about to say the words when you felt the biggest lump swell up in your windpipe and you were just left there with your mouth hanging open and no words forming. You were frozen in fear. You quickly realized when he gave you a very concerned and confused look that you could not leave your face that way, and had to say something. “I am just happy to be here with you. You make me happy,” you say as you try to gather your composure. Joey smiled the biggest smile and said, “Look up at the stars baby. If you got me, I got you.” You knew if you just said it and ripped the Band-Aid off that you would immediately feel so much better, but would it feel better if he somehow rejected you? Joey reached down and grabbed your chin between his thumb and pointer finger and leaned down and engaged in the most passionate and powerful kiss that the two of you had ever exchanged. It once again felt like it must be a sign. “I never want you to leave, will you please stay with me tonight?” Joey begged you. You knew you could not stay the night tonight, but you did not want to leave either. You look back up at Joey and you notice something felt off. Had you done something wrong? Maybe you should not say it after all. “I can’t tonight Joey, I’m sorry.”

“Please stay with me tonight, I just do not want to be alone tonight,” he begged. You knew something was wrong, but you knew you could not stay over on this night. “I’m sorry Joey, I really can’t tonight. You are never alone. You can call me until I fall asleep if you want and I will stay on the phone with you, but I will come back and see you tomorrow. Okay?” You could see the disappointment in Joey’s eyes and you knew this was your opportunity, but something inside of you just could not form the words to say it. “Okay, you are right. Come to the porch with me, and I will see you tomorrow,” he says as he slides off the car and walks to the porch. “Just say it,” you silently reminded yourself as you start to walk to the porch. Something inside of you knew you would regret it if you did not say it. You get to the porch and kiss Joey goodbye, and you can tell he is sad. The lump still forming in your throat, you get in your truck and go home. “You can say it tomorrow,” you tell yourself as you crawl into bed. You waited for Joey’s call, and the call never came so you drift to sleep. You wake up to Joey calling you, so you rub the crust from your eyes and answer. Joey is hysterical, crying and breaking down. He’s telling you goodbye, and you don’t understand. “Joey, what’s wrong?” You repeat yourself over and over. “Joey, talk to me, what is going on?” You don’t understand, but you can gather enough to throw your clothes on and jump in the truck. You yell for him as the phone goes silent, and he hangs up. Something was wrong, but you did not know what. You drive as fast as you can to get to Joey’s house, running stop signs and going at least forty over the speed limit, and continuously trying to call back with no answer. Just voicemail. You sling gravel into Joey’s driveway as you run to the door. You run up the steps and get to the doorknob, and you stop cold when you hear it. The gunshot. Your hand let go of the handle as you can hear the screams and crying inside, and you drop down to your knees. You were too late. Your heart felt shattered into a million tiny pieces. You beg God for it to not be true as you hear the sirens coming and Joey’s sister opening the door. It was true, and you were too late. As you cry out in sorrow you realize that you should have said it last night. Why didn’t you just say it?