Why?

Wow. This was a long time ago. I’m surprised it existed at all. Or maybe it didn’t. This is a work of art. But it’s not on the continuum. Maybe it’s in the fourth dimension. Or in a parallel universe. A) the fourth dimension B) a parallel universe, C) inside psychedelic drugs? It didn’t exist in the past, it’s not present, and unlikely in the future. Remember the Fiala comic: “God can’t do what?”

If I had gone on the internship I could’ve got that dream job and worked in a book store. No, legal guardian logic says “No”. Imagine a world where I got married and had kids. Remember: 50% of marriages end in divorce because of “money, sex, in-laws”. Engaged three times, married never. But I don’t think we would’ve been happy, but what if I had married someone great for me. Or me great for her and stayed together. What if I’d won the lotto, the PCH, or anything?

Shoulda’s, coulda’s, woulda’s. What if they listened to me. I do something they say no to or lie to them, I’m punished, they to me or do something I say no to, it’s the way it is or I should’ve asked first. They never ask me, but that’s what people with narcissistic personality disorder do. But with guardianship, the patient needs to be tested but the guardian doesn’t. That would be too expensive and pointless, right?

You don’t need a license to have kids, but you do to get married. I can’t get married. Or buy property, or have friends, and my legal guardian won’t let me have enemies. If they’re my legal guardian’s friend, then I better like them.

See, America always has a way to break its own rules. The thirteen amendment came out so they invented share cropping, which is slavery. But, this doesn’t follow the prompt. Imagine if I had my own home. If the neighbors bothered me, I could close the door, buy soundproofing. If I ran out of something, I could drive to Walmart and get it myself. I don’t pledge my allegiance, since I’m not the all the liberty and justice is about. I don’t salute the flag, I give it the finger and burn it. I can no longer stand on a picket line, unless my guardian approves of it. They know what I want and they know what I don’t want. I may as well be a dog on a leash.

Zero to the zeroth power is null set, like the possibility any of this ever happening. Prisoners read fiction so they can escape in their minds.

But, Tuesday night study group says everything is vibration. Like if you stare at a table long enough, you can see its aura, since it vibrates. But are we objects with vibration or vibrations with objects? If the former, I’m fucked (that hasn’t happened in an aeon) if it’s the ladder than there’s a prayer.

Or maybe in the ABCD possibility, I never had an SDH, then where would I have wound up ? Or if I hadn’t fought that guy? Remember the serenity prayer. The full version is bullshit. “42”.

If Mom and Dad married other people then all this would be a moot point. If my great grandparents had been gassed in the holocaust, I wouldn’t be here. Or if I’d been successful in one of my suicide attempts. Who would be at my funeral; my enemies, their friends, not vice versa. They’d also bury me instead or cremating me, which would be cheaper. She much for logic.

In another universe, someone would be proud of me instead of me being the black sheep. For the gift of hope, but I’m a fuck up. The only thing good about the psycho ward is no one can wear bras. No shoelaces either. But the truth is, if you really want to kill yourself, nothing can stop you.

But, if I’d killed myself in Wisconsin, that would’ve been for the best. Then, I don’t know what would’ve happened, if my parents would’ve sued … but that didn’t happen. Or if I got a CDL-A or anything but where I am. It’s always greener on the other side.

If I knew then what I knew now. 20/20 l, you get the idea. You is the reader, not another character.

But, no one’s invented a Time Machine, yet. But, in a parallel universe, things are edifferent. If there are parallel universes.

God doesn’t care about fair or care. But, if things had turned out differently, would I be the same person and if I was a different person, would it be better or worse? Would I be homeless and hungry or rich and happy. What if the one doesn’t have to do with the other. You can be rich and miserable but I’ve never met anyone who’s poor and happy. Have you?

That’s what I figured. See, maybe no ones happy. The person with the plane wishes they could fly a spaceship, person in the car wishes they could fly, the person on the bike … you get the idea.

But, what about optimism? I tried studying for a test and they wrote a nasty letter kicking me out. So much for principles. But, the only way to change things from the past are Alzheimer’s or a TBI and who wants that?

And if we could change the past, would we change our past? Would we keep our changes or change them back to how they were? And what about stupid people or psychopaths? Nazis, neo-Nazis, or the KKK? What would happen if they changed the past, the present, or the future? What then?

What if we didn’t meet people. What if we couldn’t see far enough into the future to realize our correction was a mistake. The odds of winning the lotto with eight numbers. Think how many choices we make, think how many choices and opportunities or mistakes we could make. But there are no time machines. There may be reincarnation. Then, we could fuck up again.