Bowling Against the Damdykers

   “I quit,” I flatly exclaimed. Since I was the captain of our bowling team I decided I was not going spend my Sunday nights tolerating the sight of Allen and Lu Lu Damdyker purposefully aim their bowling balls straight for the gutter anymore. I was also stuffed up to the neck with the obnoxions that spewed forth from these people. I was through. But it wasn’t only Allen and Lu Lu’s futile “Pie Chucking” type of bowling form that needed changing. It was more about their know-it-all disguise they wore over the obvious ignorance that existed underneath. Lu Lu, I know, was not physically coordinated enough to throw the ball straight so she had an excuse. And she only would listen to her husband who would lie to her, reinforcing her way of doing things. So the Damdyker game balls were destined to gather in the Bowling Alley Abyss, lowering our ranking even more. The worst part of it all was the fact that her good sportsmanship was quite a bit amiss. In fact she didn’t have any. So upon every gutter-goof that was perpetrated Lu Lu flew off the handle into a stormy and winded tizzy. Huffing and puffing, she blamed everyone around her saying they were interfering with her concentration.

Big Al had an excuse (if you can call it one) of wearing his pants too loose which forced him to bowl with one hand while pulling up his trousers with the other. He ignored it when being teased about his baggy clothes and why he wasn’t “at the pool taking his pants for a swim instead of being here bowling.” His fore finger would also get entangled in one of the holes in the ball. This caused a Jacob’s ladder effect that sent the sphere spinning into the gully.

And then there was little Allen Damdyker Jr. , their 3 year old son, who couldn’t be left at home with a babysitter whenever they would go out. Thus they had to drag him along everywhere they went. Which caused the problem of having to constantly entertain his abnormally stunted attention span. Due to this factor, I assume they both were in a constant state of distraction, tossing out of the window any idea of ever bowling normally.

Every Sunday I would witness little Al screaming bloody murder as he ran amok through the bowling alley after escaping the gated and sound proofed coral that was built to detain kids like him. All I could see was this rotund and glowing head (which I recognized as attached to little Al) bobbing up and down as it sped through the crowd. Then of course the Damdykers gave little Al a good head start by hesitating to get up and chase him down right away. Ultimately, little Al did get caught (no punishment) and ended up sitting with the team. Upset and still sniffling he would sit there in-between Big Al and Lu Lu.

When Big Al wasn’t throwing the ball he was sitting with the team. That meant he was going to be there with you. Spending any time with Big Al meant that you had to talk to him. But having a conversation with him was arduous and bordered on monotony. Because he thought he knew all that was known about any subject discussed and when it was his turn to interrupt you to speak his mind he would prolong it, seemingly never getting to the point. You end the torture when you catch up to his thoughts and almost read his mind as to what the point is that he was getting to. Then your impatience takes over and makes you shout out what you thought his point was going to be-thus conversation terminated

As for Lu Lu having a conversation with her took you back to what your language skills were in the seventh grade. She also had a penchant for prevarication. And she was good at it too! Because in her determination to convince others of her lies, she would end up brain washing herself into believing in the very thing she was trying to distort. But who wouldn’t believe someone whom delivered up to be plausible such utter hogwash with as much sincerity as Lu Lu did? For example, Lu Lu swore that her shoe size didn’t surpass the petite size 7. But when she joined the team, she was forced to pay rent on shoes which display (for all the world to see) the exact size bracket her feet fell under. And they aren’t size 7.

Little Al was indeed strange looking, though his parents thought much differently. Lu Lu would boast about her son’s faster than normal growth spurt as, “He is way ahead of the other kids his age,” Lu Lu would say. But I observed a brat that was the living-X File born of the Damdyker bloodline. He was already 3 years old and I don’t remember seeing any teeth that had been cultivated. He still drank from a nippled bottle and in his leisure moments he sucked his thumb. Since he was indulged upon by his parents, he pretty much did as he pleased with no repercussions. So if he saw something his parents were doing that looked fun to him, he wanted to do it too. So they bought him his own bowling ball. Of course, for practice little Al was allowed to take over for Lu Lu and bowl when it was her turn. When it was time for him to try out his new ball he got up and was shown where to stand to bowl. Then he pushed the ball after getting down on his knees for leverage. It started to move a tiny bit but it was enough for the ball to steadily creep slowly down the lane. As we watched it to see where it was headed we noticed that it stayed in the lane. When it didn’t go into the Damdyker ditch and actually took out nine pins, we couldn’t believe it. Lu Lu on the other hand was jealous that the same thing didn’t happen to her. At least one Damdyker family member wasn’t part of the Gully-Gutter-Gang.

The Damdykers had a way about them that other people stayed away from. It wasn’t only their outward appearance that repulsed others. I am convinced that they emitted an anti-magnetic force that was enhanced by reflecting off of their looks. This invisible shield didn’t let anyone get too close to them. Frustration and the suspicion of being contaminated by whatever radiation bi-product might come out of them was my reason for quitting.

It seems that my duty of being captain had ended beforehand. I found out that the only members left on the team was myself and the Damdykers. Each of the other members quit one by one citing disagreements with THEM. I am not a cruel person and wouldn’t (and didn’t) point the finger of fault at them, even though I knew the truth. At least I received the gratification of declaring, “I quit.”