My Christmas

It’s christmas eve, I’m sitting in my room, the time is almost midnight and i’m exhausted. What a night, what had happened, why was everybody acting so weird. It was supposed to be a quiet night with my mom, dad and older sister. She doesn’t live at home anymore, she is a lawyer and lives in the city. So I’m the only one who lives at home, despite the fact that i’m 22 years old, but I really don’t know what to study yet, and my parents say that they don’t mind me living at home, they love having me, they say.

So I’m not in any hurry, I will someday figure out what I will become, but I do know, that it will definitely not be a lawyer as my sister or doctor as my mom. Perhaps I’ll join a circus or be a cleaner 

My father is the quiet one in our family, he is calm and doesn't say much, it is also a bit difficult because my sister and my mom talks a lot. They always talk about my sister and what she have achieved, I sometimes feel that I don’t exist or belong in this family, but then I look at my dad and know, he and I are cut from the same cloth.

We sat quietly together in the living room, when my mom decorated the dinner table, with four plates, candles and spruce. It looked very nice. We all have our special places round the table, I always sit besides my sister and opposite my dad. It has been that ever since we were kids.

Well, the evening started out quite nicely, we had eaten our traditional christmas dinner, I was not hungry, so it looked like I haven’t eaten anything, but I know I had. I love Christmas dinner. At christmas we always get the same, filled turkey, potatoes and christmas pudding for dessert, it’s my grandma’s recipe. She is not with us anymore. She died 7 years ago from cancer. I miss her everyday, it was a big loss and it made a big hole in my stomach. So perhaps Christmas dinner is my favorite, because then I feel my grandma's spirit, like she is among us and spending Christmas with us. 

Usually my sister always comments, if I eat too little, but not this evening, she just looked at my plate and then straight at me, and then at my mom, but she didn’t say anything. And that was unusual and weird, because it’s not like her. 

She just took my plate and helped my mom with the dishes. I looked at my dad, and he looked at me. We didn’t say anything, we didn’t have to, we knew what we both were thinking. We always have had this special bond, that a look was enough. 

But that was not the only difference I noticed this year. When I saw my sister walked to the kitchen she limps and I really don’t remember why she does that. Has she always done that?? Why can’t I remember? And why was she acting so different this year?

Every Christmas I can remember we always end up talking about my sister and her life, and everytime I tried to say something about my life, I felt ignored. I even tried to be a part of their conversation, but still they speak as if I'm not there. They also did that this year, but this year my dad was a part of the conversation, but he looked sad. My mom, dad and sister talked about my sister's life, of course. How she landed a deal with a big firm, her new boyfriend and the latest conflict with her best friend. 

But what was new this year, beyond my dad’s sad looks, was that we talked about our childhood, how my sister and I always were on the neck of each other, but also how much we missed one another when we were apart. One time I was on a school trip and couldn't sleep, because I missed my sister so much, I think I was about 8 years old at that time. My sister told me bedtime stories and I could not sleep, before she told me a story.

This year was also about me, not only my sister. That's new and a bit uncomfortable, because I'm not used to that. They all looked at me, when I spoke, but still with a distant look. At Least I’m not ignored this year.

But now I look at my bed and see my unwrapped presents. 2 gifts, one from my parents and one from my sister.

I’m so tired, have no energy to unwrap them. It will have to wait until morning, so instead I fell asleep with all my clothes on.

Suddenly I woke up and my grandma was sitting beside me in my bed.

"Grandma?" I said, “what are you doing here? I’m so glad to see you, I’ve missed you terribly”.

She looked at me and said “Oh my dear dear child. You don’t know what happened”?

“What do you mean, grandma”? I replied

“You and your sister were in an accident one year ago, she broke her hip and the doctors 

prognoses were that she would not be able to walk again. But you know your sister, she has a mind like a lion, and once she has put her mind in a direction, then she will not give up before it's done, that is the reason why she can walk today.”Grandma smiles ”But you, my sweet child, you were not so lucky, you died in the crash. Your sister blames herself, because she was the one driving the car. But it was not her fault, it was an accident. Your mother tries to overcome her grief with work, but your father is not the same, he is overwhelmed with grief and misses you so much”. “He even tried to follow you, but luckily it failed. You have to try to connect with him, so he can feel peace again”.

“But we spent christmas last night, we spoke and we laughed” I said

“It was not real, my dear” grandma replied.

“They all miss you, and tries to overcome their grief. Last night was the first time since the accident they have been together as a family”.

“I’ve been here all along” my grandma said, “every christmas, every birthday, every fight, every joy for the last 7 years, but I couldn’t reach you, But you can, my dear. And you have to, before it's too late”

And then my grandma disappeared again, I cried for a while, I was not here, I am beyond, I am dead. But where have I been the last year?

I went downstairs and saw my dad in his living chair, he cried and looked at a picture. I went closer and saw that it was a picture taken last christmas. My dad, my mom, my sister and me. We smiled and looked happy. Though I knew my sister had just stepped over my toes. 

I suddenly felt sad. I put my hand on my dads shoulder and he turned quickly and looked in the sky. But he could not see me. I tried again and he stopped crying. He called my name, but I could not reply, he could not hear me. I went to the piano and tried to push a picture of me. He needs to know that I’m here, and it is okay.

I tried again and this time it succeeded, the picture fell down. He quickly took the picture in his hands and looked at it. The picture was him and me, looking at the stars, right after my grandma's death. We spoke about life after death and that we both believed in it.

I saw my dad smile og hug the picture.

Then I saw my grandma again, “now we can go in peace”, she said.