The Letters Of A Kamikaze Pilot

TW:References to death

January 3rd, 1945

Dear Mama,

How are you doing lately? I was informed not too long ago about Katō-san's sickness, I and my friends are keeping prayers for her. Sadly I forgot what they said it was, but I hope she recovers swiftly. But again, how are you? Did you make that special soup for Papa's birthday? Were you able to get the ingredients? I know how much I fantasize about your cooking while laying in my barracks. I always go on to my comrades about how great all of your food tastes. One of my friends in specific, Kota can't wait until he comes back, he tells me he must come over, and he'll eat until he's sick! Also, how is Kiseki? I hope he has begun eating again, I really want him to do better, I couldn't imagine life without him. Remember back when he was only a puppy, and he stayed with me in bed when I was sick with the flu? I was just thinking of that this evening, every time my fever would rise, he would come and lick my forehead. Believe it or not, I miss Kiseki's licks.

Oh and, Mama. Do you remember the recruiter I told you about? Asking me and the other airmen to join the Kamikaze? Our training is said to begin in a few days. I am utterly anxious and excited at the same time. Kota signed up as well. I am unsure who else has, but everybody around here is talking about it a lot, it makes me wonder what could be awaiting.

With love,

your son, Akatsuki

January 10th, 1945

Dear Mama, 

Today is Wednesday, and training has begun. Now I realize the weight of it all. I am sorry for the pain that may come with this but know it's for you and Papa. Training is a bit harder than anticipated but nothing I cannot handle. Today our rations were smaller than we originally hoped, but I managed enough that I didn't feel too hungry. Earlier this morning I was rebuked by our sergeant for writing haikus on the top of my bunk. Remember the one you made for me? 

Clouds acherontic

A little, brave tiger stands

despite the mountain

It has always been my favorite of yours. It always makes me feel like I am closer to you Mama, even in these dark times of war. But don't worry, I will make sure to honor you, Papa, and the family. Just know that someday, I will be Eirei. And perhaps I will be enshrined at Yasukuni. Also, how is Katō-san? I recall you saying that she hasn't recovered much. Don't forget to mix the medication with Kiseki's food. I remember you telling me that he is doing better with said medicine. If you can, please send a photo of him, it would make me very happy.

Love,

Akatsuki

February 11th, 1945

Dear Mama,

I am sorry I haven't written you in quite some time. I have a hard time squeezing in these letters with training. But know that I do think of you every day I am here. We were told that training was to last thirty days. so only one more day and I should be out. Then I will be able to send you more letters. I assure you, Mama, I will try and get a photo of me once we graduate. I would love for you to see me in my uniform. 

We've been practicing our maneuvers and tactics with gliders, though, sometimes we don't have enough fuel to confidently fly about. Training hasn't let up anymore or less since the beginning, and I am really missing home. Some of our fellow comrades graduated sooner than us, and I never got the opportunity to say goodbye. Last night I found Mako crying on his bunk. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me that he was missing his Chichi much so. Which reminds me, don't forget about Valentine's day, that's coming up soon, and it is Papa's favorite holiday. I know Papa is normally picky, but I am sure he will understand with the rations. One thing that's for sure is, I know I would be pleased with any of your foods Mama.

I will try and send more letters Mama. I love you.

Akatsuki

P.S, tell Ogawa-san that I offer congratulations on her daughter, Azami's graduation.

February 18th, 1945

Dear Mama,

They allowed me to write you now as I don't think I will have much time to do so in the future. Today is Sunday and the sky is cloudy and appears rather stormy. You know my fear of storms—they are forcing us to fly in these conditions anyway. They're saying the war won't wait on storms. Mama, the training is getting worse now. And though they told us training would only last for thirty days, it has lasted much longer and I don't know when it might end. I must confess I am feeling less and less zealous about this now. All I want is to come home, pet Kiseki, hug you and Papa. Walk to the market and come back and help you make Miso soup. Have Papa tell us stories about how he served in the Great War, then go to sleep. Oh, how I miss the good days, back when you used to tell me stories and tell me all sorts of Haikus. I still occasionally write, or quietly cite my favorite haiku here when I am feeling sad, though sometimes it doesn't stop me from shedding a tear or two. All I want to do is be home Mama. but I am really unsure if I'll be able to.

I wish I could write to you more Mama. but they are rushing us. They are teaching us things now that make me question. They are doing things that I must confess, I didn't expect. I don't know, and when I say this, I do so with a heavy heart. I don't know when I will be able to write you next. Know that I love you, and please give my condolences to Katō-san for the loss of his wife. I will miss her greatly.

With much love,

Akatsuki

March 11th, 1945

Dear Mama,

Today is Sunday, training has finally ended. We were given our ceremonial uniforms, white scarves, and headbands inscribed with "Kamikaze" on them. We are back at an Airbase, but I am unsure if I can tell you where. We were told to study the tokkōtai manual, which we did so carefully. We made sure to read from front to back and from back to front. I and the other airmen are joking a bit, but the laugh doesn't feel real Mama.

I read your letter saying that you did everything you could. I just wanted to let you know, that I don't hold you to blame for the passing of Kiseki, maybe it was just his time to go. I am also happy that you sent me his collar, it was the same one I picked for him a while ago. I will miss Kiseki, I did love him very much.

Akatsuki

March 20th, 1945

Dear Mama,

Today, our officer came in and announced the pilots chosen on the papers, I was on that list, Mama. I know I should feel honored, but I can't help but cry. I just want to be home now, but that is a decision chosen for me. Do not fret for me Mama, I am doing my duty. For country and for our family. I am sorry for the pain I know will be caused by this, please offer my love to Amida, I know she would be pleased to hear it, especially with the loss of her brother, Mako. Did I forget to mention? Mako was sent out last night, he told us to eat his meal as he wouldn't be able to. It's mildly hard to ignore it all, as every day, another one of those faces that I see in my barracks is being sent out, never to be seen again. There was one fellow in specific that left a mark on me, I believe his name was Hachiro. The officers had to drag him out as he was crying too hard to stand. The suspense is heavy in the air, it feels like a blanket.

I am sorry again, Mama. I feel you are the only one I can speak with. Kota got his Senninbari and composed a poem, so I imagine it won't be long before he is sent out as well. I met another pilot who's Mum has the same name as you! So that put a smile on my face. Also, please don't tell Papa just yet that I was listed, I am not ready for it.

Love,

Akatsuki

March 29th, 1945

Dear Mama,

Today is Thursday and it's rather Sunny. I've met a fellow airman, his name is Eiko and he's really nice. He tells me stories that his father told him, and it helps me take my mind off of things. Although tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday, do not worry about getting me anything. But if you really feel the need for a gift, I would love one of those little knittings you used to make for the kids at school. Could you make a tiger one? I've always loved tigers, and you told me I was your little tiger cub.

I haven't asked in a while. But how are you? I hope the food poisoning didn't hurt Papa too bad, I know his immune system isn't the best. Also, please wait until Papa is fully recovered before you tell him about how I was listed on the paper. I don't want him to panic too badly. Me, Eiko, Genkei, and a few others held a small, personal moment of silence for Mako. Kota can't sleep as he's too scared. I too, am scared, Mama. I try to ignore it but I can't. I can't sleep either. All the thoughts just keep popping into my head. Somehow Eiko acts like he's thrilled for what's to come. I just can't grasp how.

Akatsuki

April 5th, 1945

Dear Mama,

Today is a bad day. When I awoke, it was the officer announcing that Kota has been chosen for the next flight, and not long afterward Eiko had to go as well. Oh, Mama, I can't sleep, I can't stop crying anymore. What am I to do? All of my close friends are gone now. All I am left with is my own thoughts and this pen. My hands are shaking almost too badly to compose this letter. Mama, I just want to come home. I miss you, and I am scared. I am thinking of the old days again, remember how you used to sing me to sleep? What I would give to reexperience that again. Again, I love you, Mama. I miss you soo much.

Love,

Your son, Akatsuki

April 6th, 1945

Dear Mama,

Mama. This very likely might be the last letter you hear from me. But know that I love you and Papa very much. The officer came in and announced who is to go out next. Mama, it was my name he called out. Mine.

Mama, I am soo scared. I am unsure if I can do this. I mentioned in an earlier letter, that I realized the weight of it all, but now I truly do. The Senninbari you made me has arrived. I also wrote my favorite haiku you made me on my scarf, I will be wearing it in flight. Mama, I love you. Tell Papa I love him too. I am sorry, sorry for the pain this causes. Know that I love you and Papa so very much.

Your loving son,

Akatsuki