First love

My town has a burning ceremony once a year on New Year’s Eve. It‘s my towns way to release the past and let go off any negativity or pain and rejoice in the coming of the new year which is sure to bring new beginnings. Each year the community place objects into one of three boats, we leave the boats by the river for a week and as the week passes the boats fill. I’ve never needed to put anything into the boats before but as I stand here I know what I have todo. I pull out a pen and paper from my purse and begin to write a letter, a letter to the man who broke my heart only a few months ago. My hand flys across the pages as I let my emotions flow.

~~~

I’ve held back manny things I’ve always wanted to say to you!

I’ve held back things I’ve wanted to say because I was scared of what the outcome would be. That’s not what a relationship should be, I shouldn’t have been scared because if you loved me as much as I had loved you, we would of worked things out.

Our relationship was not what I had expected it to be.

You made me smile and feel things I hadn’t experienced before.

At first you made me feel wanted, made me feel beautiful but this wasn’t to last.

relationships come in stages and these stages will either make or break your relationship.

Stage one of your relationship is when you first meet or first become attracted to each other. This may occur in a variety of different places for a variety of different places. I first met you in the school library, it was my first day of a new school and you were a cute boy who didn’t pay me any attention. So in that moment I was instantly attracted to you, stupid I know but what teenage girl can resist a boy who was so... not into her.

Stage two of your relationship is when you become curious about the other person, you become interested about anything about them, you become infatuated. I always loved looking at you, stealing glances and just being by your side. I always loved sport but I’ve never been that good at it, so when you played basketball during break a friend of mine would join you. I just wanted to be near you and to have something, anything in common with you. The more time we spent together the more I liked you, we flirted and played around and I was just holding my breath that you wanted to be more than just friends, that maybe just maybe you wanted me just as much as I had wanted you.

Stage three of your relationship is becoming a couple. This is where you’d flirt with me hold me close and say all the right things. We became a couple at a party I’d never forget. We had a mutual friend who was having a birthday party and we were on the guest list. Everyone was having a great time dancing, laughing and enjoying each others company. We were sitting together flirting and hanging off each other as per usual, as it had become routine with us. When not so outta the blue you kissed me. Wow, my mind stoped, you’d actually kissed me of all people, you kissed me, you wanted me. It was unbelievable at the time, I felt so luck that you had chosen me, I felt so lucky that I was the one in your arms. And that was that we were now a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend. This should of been a clue for the future as no one had actually asked the other out and we kind of just understood what we were to the other.

At this stage of the relationship you may find the cute things the other did was once cute but now are rather annoying. Your finding differences, weekness and flaws, your supposed to move past this stage. Sit down and talk things through, talk about ANYTHING, gain a deeper understanding of the other. This stage shouldn’t be rushed, you have to give it time to learn about the other and to gain a better understanding about what makes them tick.

We never made it past this stage, you wouldn’t talk to me about most things. You never brought me home to meet your parents, our relationship at this stage started to become more physical. Which would been fine if you could just communicate, I would of loved to hear just once say ‘we need to talk’. I was no better, I could talk to you about almost anything, but I found it hard to say we were struggling as a couple. I found it hard to say we need to talk, ‘stop kissing me for two seconds and talk to me’. What are your parents like? What’s your family like? When can I finally meet them? I found it hard to say these things because I was scared to lose you, I was scared to lose you because I had fallen in love. I figured that in time these things would fall into place, that you would talk to me about these things when you were ready. I didn’t want to rush things and pressure you into something you were uncomfortable with. I didn’t want to push you out of my arms because I needed someone to love a I needed someone to love me back, to tell me I’m beautiful, to tell me it’s going to be ok. I needed you but you didn’t need me.

The last stage of your relationship is commitment, at this stage you have open honest communication. You talk about values, life style and goals for the future, this is where you have formed a bond with each others family and friends. 

We never made it to this stage and for sometime I believed it was my fault. That if I had just said something anything about how I believed our relationship was falling apart, that maybe I could of fixed us. But when I grew the balls I needed and told him we needed to talk he ignored me and never spoke to me again, he wouldn’t respond and refused to talk. I had no choice That was the end of us.

I learnt something from my first love, my first heart break, that I didn’t expect at the beginning. I learned that relationships are a two way streak, yes I didn’t say anything but neither did you, we let our selves drift apart.

After we broke up I didn’t want to get back into another relationship, I realised I didn’t like who I was and I needed to change. Not for you but for me. I realised that I didn’t need you to love me, I needed to learn to love myself.

 I learned that it was ok to be alone, that I’d rather be alone then with someone who couldn’t be honest with me. In the months that pasted after my first heart break, i found myself, I began to like the person I saw looking back at me in the mirror and from that day onwards I walked a little taller.

~~~

I signed the letter, feeling a little relieved to get those feelings off my chest. I placed my letter in one of the boats, weighing it down with a stick. As the sun fell from the sky the mayor started his speech and volunteers began placing boats into the water.

“...this year had been hard for manny and now we set the past ablaze and begin the healing process, with the new year head, we step into a new stage of life and look through clear eyes at the road ahead.“

Three archers pull back their bows and let lose. They’re arrows fly free igniting the pain of the past, allowing the town to move forward and fill with positive energy as they leave the negativity behind them as the new year clicks over.