Someone has to say it

May 7, the day you’ve known for 22 years now. Your birthday. A time of great joy usually spent with friends and family in celebration. Only this day is marked by “what ifs” and “what could have been” more so than what actually is. The virus that has raged throughout the world now for several months has brought life to a halt and that includes your birthday festivities. Still, at least I turned 21 last year and got the club scene out of my system already. You are quick to remind yourself, “It can be much worse.” But another thought comes to mind after the previous one fades…”Just say it.”

May… something. The day has finally arrived: your graduation day at Arizona State University. Why can you not remember one of the biggest days of your life? It’s simple. You weren’t technically graduating anyway since there are still 9 unfinished credits to your name. Today was supposed to just be your celebration of what was to come. However, the virus did its best Dikembe Mutombo impression and swatted your graduation and said no. No walking the podium. No handing over of the degree. No graduation pictures with your family and friends. No possible way President Michael Crow can butcher your last name because he won’t get the opportunity to in the first place. But life goes on and so must you, as you have already decided. Still, you’re showered with apologies and forced kindness because this was supposed to be your big day. If one more friend or family member so chooses to force another remark about how sorry they are for you… “Just say it.” you think to yourself as you restrain your inner thoughts yet again for the “greater good” that certainly must exist in this world.  

One week passes. Now the day has really arrived. May 18. Your writing internship with the LA talent agency starts today. You are still in awe as you were when you received the offer back in February. Waiting in the bathroom line at the Sun Devil Entertainment mixer, an short and middle-aged man named Rod was also waiting in line and the two of you start chatting. After mentioning you were a writer, he asks why your presence was not at the career fair table earlier. As you learned with your last job interview, honesty is the best policy and you informed him that you knew very little about his agency because their website and LinkedIn page were lacking in information. Rod laughs and asks for your name and business card. Feeling like “opposite George” from that infamous Seinfeld episode, you hide the giddy excitement building up and coolly give him a business card. Fast forward back to May 18 and… nothing. Just like graduation, the internship faded into thin air as the entertainment industry was hit even harder by the virus than many universities. “They don’t have time or resources for me,” you think to yourself. Life goes on but grows even more negative. “Just say it.” The thought returns but this time you’ve inched closer to letting it out. You’re by yourself so it would hold no meaning, people need to hear what you have to say. But May 18 also marks the start of your last summer classes at ASU before you’re officially a graduate. The thought can wait, focus on finishing.

May 25. One more week has passed and the world stopped on this day. Or at least it did for George Floyd. Over 8 minutes of a police officer kneeling on his neck led to his unjust and cruel death. Now the world is raging and you’re hoping it never goes back. RAGE. Finally an energy to match yours. The inner rage in you has been lain dormant. You are furious now and almost think to share your thought with Snapchat, or Instagram, or any place that will listen. “Just say it.” And finally… you do. You release yourself and your soul to the world:

“The world doesn’t stop for you, me or anyone people! The world won’t stop for this coronavirus! The world will not stop for George Floyd! I hate to be the villain but I relish this opportunity to tell all of you ‘You need to get over yourselves’. Yes, the world has changed since the virus came but eventually there will be a vaccine, and then another virus, and then a vaccine for that virus, and then another virus, and so-on and so-forth. Yes, the world has changed since George Floyd was murdered in the streets and I’m happy the country is deeply conversing and working towards change in regards to systemic racism. But guess what, just like the virus, racism will not die off. History is cyclical and so too will bigotry and prejudice live on. You wanted me to jump off the bridge well I’m taking this leap in stride as I speak: THE WORLD WILL NOT BE OVER IN 2020 AND ANY CHANGE THAT COMES DOES NOT GURANTEE TRUE CHANGE.”

You let it out… and now you have to pay the price. Your friends reject you, your family are appalled and youre world comes crashing down. No one wants to hang our or talk with you. Social suicide before… the real deal. Cutting all ties will make their pain far less when you do the deed. It’s what is best for them and you’ve known this for a while now. You’re tormented and know no way out except the act of killing your physical body. You hope your soul will live on and be reincarnated in someone who has a shot at accomplishing where you have failed. The stress is unbearable and it’s time for your next and last release. Your pipebomb having made it marks, your only wish is that no single person will have to feel the pain you have felt. No one should be as socially accepted and overwhelmingly “popular” yet feel no redeeming qualities from being this person. How can you feel so lonely when surrounded by so many loving people… or at least were surrounded. It’s over, the day has come and it’s real and something that the virus can’t stop. “Just say it,” you think one last time. “Goodbye”