It shouldn't be this way

 How do you turn off thoughts? It was easy in the beginning but now it's too much. Something is not right and the truth is gnawing at my brain trying to escape.

 Walking around in a fog is disturbing. I see them constantly without ever seeing them. I never see anything. I cannot focus. I see and eat meals but I do not taste the food. It is destroying me from the inside. This must be how a zombie feels.

 I talk to others but never really hear them or remember what was said to me or by me. My mind just keeps jumping back to the memory that is starting to consume me.

 How did I reach this point? It doesn't even seem possible...yet here I am. Writing seems to be a distraction but I'm not even sure if what I'm writing makes any sense. Reading it would be impossible as my mind would wander back to the place I am trying to avoid.

 Trying to sleep is the worst. As much as I fight it, it gains more strength. I understand how pillow-talk works for couples. Just having someone listen to the thoughts you need to unload as you drift off to slumber must be very beneficial. This is the time that it's most difficult to suppress a scream when you're alone. Real men don't scream.

 Alone is a state of mind. You may be isolated in your own place for awhile, however so are many others. This makes you physically alone...but you're not special. Plus, you can not stay out of contact with everyone forever. You will cross paths with another human, like it or not. I encounter many people in my day but they are all the same. Same look. Same tone of voice. I cannot see or hear them as my brain is filled.

 I know there is only one escape. Release the worm inside me. No...not an actual worm. Hell, it might as well be an actual worm. It is constantly pressing my brain to the point where all I see is blurry and all I hear is that damn ringing. Why am I putting myself through this torture?

 15 years is not really a long time. When you're growing up you go from 15 to 30 in the blink of an eye, Don't believe me? Then you must be under 30. Just wait and see. I could live 15 years inside my own mind...if not for...well, you know.

 Every lost minute of sleep and every cloudy memory of things that just now happened tells me the right thing to do. I have lost any resemblance of rational thought. I must exorcise the demon. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

 The thought of unloading this baggage makes me ill but I know once I begin, it will flow like the Mississippi. The burden will be lifted and I will be able to breathe again. Only I stand in my way. But in the end all a man is left with is his word. I feel like the good and bad angels are on my shoulders, both telling me what I should do...but I can not tell who is who. Both sound like they have a valid point.

 The ability to love and loyalty are both very admirable traits for a person to have developed. I am sure that I used to have them, but can you still have them if your brain is turned to mush as you near insanity? I am not sure I can continue this fight. I'm losing.

 If you're falling in love but there is no one to catch you, you are just falling. Loyalty to a memory is pointless. But it is those qualities or crazy town. I can't take this anymore as living with it is becoming impossible. They say it is "eating at you from the inside." I wish it were full and would stop.

There are no distractions to stop the torment when you are alone and confined in the darkness.  It's been a week now without sleep unless you call the trance I'm consistently walking around in, sleep. It has now become visual as well as vocal. It's all I can really see and hear. It's like when you're concentrating on something you enjoy and you've blocked out the world. Only this is forced concentration...and it's not fun. As a matter of fact, it's becoming unbearable.

 Stop it! I hear you! I see you, I smell you, I taste you! What am I doing? Out damned spot! Where the hell did that come from?

 I'm going to do it. Once I'm sitting there, facing them, It will be easy, right? I'll tell them where I hid the surveillance tape. It shows her killing him plain as day. She just kept stabbing him. It was easy to take the rap for her. I love her. I also thought I could rely on the self-defense, defense. Wrong again. And I haven't heard from her in weeks. I could do the 15 years that they gave me easily but just the thought that she is capable of this and just might be pushed onto that crumbly cliff once again by someone else is too much to keep inside. If someone else dies I will feel like I actually did murder someone. My heart will hurt but my mind will be clear... but she will be gone forever. This will be a good thing...or will it? If only there were another way to erase the visions of her face and silence his screams, I would do it! No really...I would. But I live inside my brain and I think crazy people don't really know they're living. I don't want to go insane. I could do 15 years locked up but I can not do eternity locked out of my brain only seeing her and hearing him. I wish none of this ever happened. It shouldn't be this way.