Do You Care?

Do you care about anything?

The look on your pretty face shocks me, I'm frozen in place despite the jittery movement of my knee knocking the leg of the table. It's just nerves, it's who I am-- shouldn't you know that already? You usually smile and roll your eyes at my quirks, you tell me it's your favorite part of me.

Do I care? I wouldn't be here if I didn't care! I rushed through traffic, fought the tough crowds, and sweated through my makeup to see you. I ran, knowing how I was going to get a stitch in my side and my hair was going to loose it's curl. How can you say I don't care, when I see your face everywhere I go?

Do you not want to be with me?

Why are you angry with me? I've been late before, but it wasn't my fault! The bus took too long, traffic was bad, work held me up later than usual. They are events out of my control, even though it pushes and pulls at my anxiety, leaving me an utter mess of nerves and shaking limbs. I'm in constant motion, shouldn't that be a good thing? At least I'm making an effort!

Do you even think about me?

Of course I do! It's all I can even think about, you drive me crazy every hour of every day; like how your nimble fingers trail soft patterns across my skin, the flutter of your eyelashes against your freckled cheekbones, or how your lips slot perfectly with mine. I make mental notes of the foods you like, the colors you wear, and the movies that make you cry. I am constantly thinking of date ideas and ways to prove my love for you, unable to concentrate on anything else.

You never listen to me.

Now that's not true, not one bit! Your voice is music to my ears, like the sound of guitar strumming while we stargaze on top of your roof at 3 AM. Your voice is home and smooth as honey, it calms me when I'm scared or thinking too much. I concentrate on your voice and words whenever I need encouragement, or when I'm feeling down.

If you loved me, you'd be on time.

I love you, every little thing about you. My heart beats with yours, harmonizing a song that only we can hear. I will do everything for you, say the word and it's done.

I see the judgement on onlookers faces, the raised brows at my voice rising in pitch. I cannot be the douchebag in the romcom here! These people don't know me like you do, they don't know how it breaks my heart to hear these accusations thrown at me.

I love you so much that my mind wanders, it always has. When I love someone, they become the center of my universe. My entire focus shifts, and anything that I don't care about leaves the forefront of my mind. It used to drive my mom crazy when she tried to get me to focus on chores.

I did terrible in school, always forgetting to do homework or just not putting my full focus into a project. Other kids teased me, teachers cornered me with propositions of tutors and pointed questions, but I still didn't understand why they did it. This is normal, right? My mind seems to crash into these barriers or turn down different corridors of thought, when it should be focused on something else entirely.

I realized, after doctors visits and testing all sorts of remedies and medications, that my mind works differently than others. I live my life on a whole different plane of existence, I see things in technicolor; so bright and vivid, shocking and glorious, a stark contrast from the mundane reality we all live in.

I wish I can scream that at the waiter who keeps giving me dirty looks, but it sounds like an excuse. Who I am is not an excuse, don't you understand?

When I forget to text you goodnight, it's because I am distracted with plans for the next day to spoil you with. I will spend hours looking up date ideas on pinterest, agonizing over every detail to shower you with. You're so high on my priority list, I need to show you in grand gestures how much I love and appreciate you.

When I don't read your signals or your mind, with the powers I don't have, it's not because I don't love you any less! I am lost in daydreams of you and me, what our future would look like together and how to get there. I get so hyper focused into work, in order to guarantee our future, that I miss those moments when you need me most. I want the best for us, my overactive mind is working double time to guarantee that.

Now don't look at me like that, scowling through your wine glass. These aren't wimpy excuses or made up ideas to win you over. This is my most raw and honest state, flaying myself open for you to see inside. It's not pretty, I forget names and dates but I remember your voice and the laugh you make when you're so irrevocably happy.

I am late to dates and important events, because that's who I am. It's not because I care any less, or don't want to be with you, it's how my brain functions and flows. You fell in love with my passion for life, the erratic creativity flowing through my pores, and my excitable nature.

I know you can feel the shaking in my hands, grasping onto mine as I let a tear flow down my cheek. I don't normally cry like this, you're the one who advocates for healthy emotional expression (which just means you sob like a baby in movie theaters at any goddamn movie), so you gotta know that this is real. This is honesty, served to you on a silver platter with my name all over it.

This is the girl you fell in love with; a girl who got distracted looking online at gift ideas to surprise you with, a hopeless romantic who spent day and night painting your face onto canvases in order to be able to see you when you're not here, and most importantly your girl who was running late after trying to buy you flowers that matched your dress.

I cannot guarantee a life of structured punctuality, of neat timelines and a neat calendar. What I can guarantee is love, endless rivers of passion and devotion for you. I will always be thinking of you, of seeing your face in nature and the passing city bustling around me.

I will always be your hopelessly late and romantic partner, clutching a rather wilted bundle of flowers and sweating profusely, but with a bright grin on my face at catching your eye across the restaurant.