Zero, Hollow, and Nothing

Mentions of Suicide/ Mental health*

An early songbird was singing outside my window. No cars rushed past the road outside- no shouts from the neighbors echoed into the room. I was alone. So terribly alone.

Shuffling out of my bed and over the window I saw no one. Fear began to force me into hyperventilation. My eyes turned dilated- becoming primal like they never had before. I was alone. Forcing open the door I sprinted out of my room screaming for Terry.

I felt phantom hands on my shoulders. A memory of better times. Tearing away from the hands I ran to the kitchen, the knives looked so delightful suddenly. Snatching one up in my human hands I pressed it against my throat. If I was alone, I could not bear it.

I felt Phantom hands again. A whisper of wind tickling my ear told me to live. I dropped the knife. I must be more inventive in the way I leave this lonely world. A simple knife would not do. Wiping away the tears from my eyes I decided what I was to do. I would try out a hanging, perhaps starvation, maybe I could drown myself- maybe I would jump. But no longer would I be alone in this world. I would rejoin Terry and his phantom friends, back to the world of living.

God would take me willingly; he must understand my despair. Stepping out into our front yard I smiled wistfully at the swing swaying slightly in the oak tree. Terry used to push me on that, we had told each other we would raise a little girl and swing her on it. It’s too late now. Terry and everyone else is gone. I’m alone.

Barefooted against the soft grass I grinned. A bird floated down from a tree, chirruping at my feet, its small beak pecking my toes lightly. I grinned taking it up in my hands. What a peculiar bird.

Phantom hands were laid on my shoulders, I shrugged them off. Placing the bird on my shoulder I listened to it.

“Hello little Leena…” It cooed in my ear. I laughed walking to the swing, sitting on it. “Hello birdie, what’s your name? Why do birds talk now?”

It only shrugged, “It is not for Leena to know why we speak- I am Zero. That is my name and all I am.” It said softly. I nodded, accepting who he was. “Will you stay with me Zero? I’m so terribly afraid of being alone.” I felt a hand on my shoulder again, I whirled- no one was there.

Crossing the road I heard distant yelling- words of the wind is all Zero called it when I asked. “Little Leena, will you take me to my friends?’ Zero clucked. Obediently I ran into the woods across the way. “Why must you leave me Zero? Who are your friends?” He nuzzled my ear, his light-yellow wings tucked up against my neck.

“You can stay with us. They will love you. God left you for a reason Little Leena. Return to them with me” He comforted.

Agreeing I twisted around a tree, ferns laying in clumps all around the floor. “Where are your friends?” I asked, my eyes bright with excitement of friends.

Zero fell to the ground and was gone. A poof of dust. A pile of dirt sat in his place. I felt a tear slipping down my cheek. Zero lied to me. He was never going to stay with me. So now I was alone again. Slumping down on a tree I felt the hands grabbing at my pants. Scowling at the invisible hands I jumped up sprinting deeper into the woods, soon encountering a wolf.

Shivers jumped up my spine. Wolves were dangerous, alone or together. I was alone. This one too seemed to be alone.

It slowly approached my trembling stature.

In a deep voice- one of the forests voices- it spoke slowly to me. Its tone low and dangerously deceiving.

“Hello Leena… Where have your friends gone off to?’ It said circling closer. Falling back on a tree I managed to say a word.

“Gone.”

It grinned, I don’t know how wolves grin, but it did. It made a sharp yipping sound- laughing, I think. “Leena Leena…. I am Hollow, Inside and out- for that is my name.” He pressed his muzzle into my palm. Petting his rough fur, I wondered why it was so cold- stone like feeling.

“What are we to do together Hollow?” I asked. Zero had left me. Now I had Hollow. He laughed again, whatever you wish Leena, in a lonely world anything is possible!” I smiled big wondering what I could do.

Then the hands brushed against my shoulder- “STOP FOLLOWING ME!” I screamed into the empty air. The hands stopped. Huffing a breath of relief; Hollow gave me a wishing glance. “The river isn’t too far from here Leena, and I am thirsty. Will you accompany me?” Hollow asked in his deep throaty voice.

Wishing to not be alone I followed his meandering path. Soon we arrived. Hollow quickly told me to drink first.

“Drink Leena, I know that you have begun to be thirsty, I will not leave you- For if anything I am only a Hollow being.” He said rather mysteriously.

Cupping the cold water in my hands, I brought it to my mouth- how lucky I was to have Hollow. Sipping the cool water I smiled, spraying it at Hollow who was waiting behind- maybe he would laugh.

He blinked away the moment the water touched him, part of a cliff face was in his place, the cliff reaching higher than the trees. I cried. “I’m sorry Hollow come back please! I was only trying to play!” He didn’t comeback.

I was alone. Why did all my friends lie and leave me? Then I felt the hands once more- they had somehow followed me and Hollow. This time they wrapped around my body, a comforting blanket. I didn’t tell them to leave.

“Hello Leena!” came another cheery high-pitched voice.

Looking over at the water I saw a dolphin. How strange, dolphins don’t normally get this high up in the rivers of Tennessee- how lucky was I to have sighted one! Zero and hollow had betrayed me- why should I listen to another false hope.

“Leena look!” it said, I glanced. The dolphin did a flip!  That was indeed exciting- I felt alone, maybe this dolphin would keep me company.

“What do you call yourself Dolphin?” I asked in a quiet voice, unsure of weather to trust it.

“I am Nothing.” She said sweetly, whistling a high-pitched tune that sang melodies in my mere human ears.

“No, you’re not!” I insisted, “You’re something!” Nothing shook her head slowly, as if in pity for me.

“Leena child. We are all nothing. You are the only one who is not Nothing. He’s waiting for you. Find the phantom.” She chirruped. She disappeared in a flash then. I found the strength not to cry. Find the Phantom is what Nothing said. I must find the Phantom.

Then it clicked in my mind. Phantom was following me. Squeezing my eyes shut I knelt down on the ground, curling into a ball. Why was everything just so... empty. A thousand things screamed at me in my ears. I was Just SO alone. Wasn’t I?

Blinking open my eyes I smiled in relief. Terry was right there. I hugged him. He wound my hair in his palm, a sob emitting from him.

“Leena, My little Leena… You had another episode.” He cried out softly.

I frowned at him tracing his jawline with my hand. “What do you mean? I was just so alone- I thought I was. I met Zero the Bird, and Hollow the Wolf- and, and I mean… Nothing the Dolphin- she was right over there!” I pointed to the river, flustered at myself.

Terry bit his lip and smiled at me. He hugged me, then lifted me up. We began walking home. He kept a strong hand on me at all times. I felt so confused.

He kissed me on my cheek when we got to the house.

“Don’t worry Leena. Schizophrenia can’t be cured, but you know- Me and you Leena. We’ll figure it out.”