The Dog That Was Called Butter

The Dog That Was Called Butter

12th June xxxx

Today was meant to be the day. The day that I had marked on my calendar with a massive red circle and had poked a hole through with my pen forcefully by mistake. Everyone kept asking me questions and it all became very stressful very quickly. My equanimity went out of the window. My friends laughed at me as I first went brick-red, then a sort of eggplant purple before ending up as a crumple on the floor like a crushed drinking can, who had to be given a glass of water and a biscuit while a kind elderly woman asked if I was “quite alright, dearie?” I mean what kind of question is that. Clearly, I was not okay if I was struggling to breathe and was as red as a flaming hot Cheeto. When I had told everybody what I wanted to do, nobody told me how stressful the whole process would be. It was all ‘good for you ' and ‘you are so lucky’ and ‘I want one too.’ They are all liars. I am so mortified. Anyway, must dash, my toast is turning into the remnants of a fire. A pile of ash. The toast has become as black as my soul currently. 

14th June xxxx

Honestly, why do people have to fall pregnant? I had to cover Ginny’s work as well as meet all my deadlines today. When do these people expect me to sleep? Apparently, whilst doing my work and talking to lawyers and pretending to be zestfully enthusiastic. Anyway, so I heard back from the landlord. I can get a dog, I mean if the shelter would allow me to after I fainted in there two days ago. It really was just becoming too much for me. I am the most indecisive person and so some irritating woman who was so full of herself, hovering over my shoulder, ‘helpfully’ telling me the terrible life of every puppy in that shelter really just made the whole situation, thousand times more stressful. All I wanted to do was swan in, all graceful, rescue an adorable puppy and sail out with my grace intact but clearly, that is impossible for me to do. Can’t go anywhere without making a fool of myself. 

15th June xxxx

So the shelter called to ask if I had made a decision. I told them very curtly that I was too busy deciding what to have dinner and then hung up the phone, before realising what I had done and then I had to really sheepishly call them back asking if they really would not mind, could I go call them back in a week? To be fair to me, I had not had time to eat all day. Bloody Ginny had to go for an ultrasound and I had to pretend to care. My facial muscles hurt from all of the fake smiling. I mean, the nerve of the woman, can swan off to a medical appointment, make an unreasonable fuss about it, leave everyone else to do the work and then come back in and then force everyone to look at the blur of white and black that is meant to resemble a life force. Left me very tired and extremely irritable. Honestly, I don’t even know if I can even look after a dog, I can’t even look after myself.

Oh dear, my dinner burnt! That seems to be a common occurrence for me. Well, let’s order a Deliveroo.

16th June xxxx

The Deliveroo driver had the almighty nerve to ask me for a tip as if he had actually done a good job. Turned up a whole hour later, the food was cold and half-eaten. He just looked at me and said that he had to pay for his rent. Well, I could not argue with that so gave him 20p as a tip. He can add that to his piggy bank. Trust me, I’m not usually that mean. I did literally once give someone a whole pound as a tip. Anyway, so I have decided on the type of dog that I want, so that has ruled out at least half of the dogs in the shelter. A Golden Retriever, only because they have the cutest noses ever and in most films, there seems to be the best bond between the owner and the dog when the dog is a Golden Retriever. That might just be my selective memory. So I told my mother on the phone this morning that I was adopting a dog. There was a moment of silence and then a barrage of words launched themselves at me seeming to physically attack me through the phone. I, being used to this, just turned down the call volume, until the attack came out like tinny music in a shop at Christmas time and then slow-danced to some jazz music in my head until the assault had stopped. Then very calmly I picked up the phone and said very nonchalantly, “Yes, I completely understand what you are saying and I respect it and will take it on board.” We were told to say that at work to avoid any confrontation with any aggressive and slightly mad customers. Then my mother just laughed for a long time. It started out as a light chuckle and then progressed into a more deep laugh then blew into a full developed witch’s cackle, and then she voiced my deepest and darkest fear. That I was going to not be able to look after the dog as I can’t even look after myself. All I could say in retort was “For someone, who gave birth to me you do not have any faith. Absolutely awful.” Then I slammed the phone down, marched into my fridge, whipped out a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream and dug in with a look of melancholy smeared across my face. 

18th June xxxx

I just want the dog already. I chose a dog yesterday, her name is Butter. Very original. I know. She is a very cute Golden Retriever with the cutest little button nose that is pushed every day, from my handbag into some old man’s sandwich on a bench when I took her for a walk in the park. Honestly, she has the most adorable eyes that look up at you and melt your heart in a fire of cuteness. I know that is cliched and soppy but it genuinely sums up how I feel about her. I know as she grows up that we are going to have the most incredible time together. I can’t wait to bring her home.

19th June xxxx

My friends were annoyed at me today because I spent over three hours choosing a bed for Butter and they thought I was wasting my time and being captious. However, as I pointed out to them they would take as long as necessary for their own children and Butter is my better version of a child and so like any meticulous mother, I will buy the best bed, collar and food for my beloved puppy. So excited for her to come home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

21st June xxxx

Today, my child came home. She pranced in, gave a bark of delight and proceeded to shove her minuscule button nose into every nook and cranny, every orderly pile I had in the house. Her barks of delight resounded throughout the house creating warmth and chasing away the silence that had lingered for so long. I could burst with happiness. I know that is another overused cliché but the energy that is in the house could turn the Grinch into the BFG. Happiness has entered my home again.

25th June xxxx

Someone take this blasted dog away! Four days Butter has been here and in four days chaos and havoc have descended upon my house faster than you can say, Jack Robinson. Honestly, this foul creature is no longer cute but rather meddlesome. It keeps sticking its confounded nose into everything, not out of curiosity but just out of plain nosiness. I don’t know what to do! Someone, please send help! I need a saviour. My beautiful upholstery has been ruined by the slobber of this creature, and my artwork, which I was proud of, has been knocked off the wall, causing the glass frame to smash and cause irreparable damage to the delicate paint. The man who I brought round to look at the damage to a fabulous imitation of a Picasso almost wept from the unlawful treatment of this beauty. God, knows what I am going to do. 

27th June xxxx

Right, don’t be angry with me. I’m doing enough of that to last me a lifetime. I really thought I could cope and make a difference, but clearly, that is not the case. Butter had to go. I am still tearful about the whole situation. I always watch those adverts of the sad-looking puppy that has been abused and left because their owners just could not hack it and thought how foolish of them, they should have known that they could not look after a dog. And now, I am one of those people. Not in terms of abusing Butter, but I could not hack it. I can not even look after myself, how could I think that after another being, one that has emotions and whilst she grows up needs love, care and affection. I feel like such a failure. I miss the sound of her barking and the warmth of her cute button nose. Oh, here come the waterworks. Confounded things emotions. Could never quite understand things. Happiness has now left my life and the place feels so empty. I guess it is back to eating sad Deliveroos for me by myself. Bye Butter. I’m sorry I failed you. Well, my dear diary until the next adventure or colossal failure.