Enough

Dana drove to pick up her son, physically and emotionally drained. Her blue eyes were bloodshot and heavy. Her dark hair, still up in a bun, but messy and frayed. As an ER nurse, she had a lot of tough cases. She’d seen terrible accidents, violence, and too many deaths to count.    

Today, the trauma was a little too close to home. A 35-year-old man who was in a car accident driving home from work. He was severely injured. She had worked with her colleagues to stabilize his broken bones, inflate his collapsed lung, and put fluids back into his body. They had just finished placing a chest tube when his heart went into a fatal arrythmia. The team pushed emergency medications, compressed his chest, and delivered shocks to his heart for over 30 minutes, but he did not respond.

“Time of death, 1743.” said Dr. Aaliyah Mohamed softly and looked over at Dana. “Are you good?” 

“No.” Dana said, smiling sadly. Hoping she couldn’t see all the reasons she wasn’t good as she walked out of the trauma bay and threw her contact gown in the trash. 

Dana knocked on the door to her in-laws. She willed herself to smile and look cheerful for her son. He had a knack for knowing how she really felt. The door swung open, and her son flew out to hug her with his jacket, shoes, and backpack already on. 

“Hi mom!” he said, giving her a big hug. 

“Hey buddy. Thank you. I needed that,” she said. Holding him close.

“Mija, you look tired. Rough day?” her father-in-law, Luis said.

“Yeah, really rough.” Dana replied. “Did he eat?”

“Yep. We made breakfast for dinner. Pancakes, eggs, and bacon.” Luca said.

“You did?” Dana replied.

“Yep.” Luca said. 

“Sounds like you had a good time. Did you do your homework?” Dana said.

“Yep.” Luca said.

“Did he Grandpa? Dana asked.

“Yes, he did. Just math homework tonight. He hasn’t done his reading. He said he wants to read with you.” Luis said. 

“Good because it’s his turn to read to me. Let’s go Bubba. Give grandma and grandpa a hug and kiss.” 

           Luca ran inside to give his grandma, Sophia a hug and kiss. Dana followed behind to greet Sophia and give her a hug. 

“Hi mija, are you ok? You look like you had a hard day.” Sophia asked, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just tired. Thank you for picking him up from school. Dana replied.

“You don’t have to keep thanking us. We’re happy to do it. Luis said. Dana slid her arm behind his back to hug him. 

“I know I don’t but I’m going to do it anyway. I’m off for the next couple of days. Can you guys take him Saturday and Sunday?” Dana said.

“Sure. He can spend the night Saturday. Maybe we’ll go to the movies.” Sophia said.

“Thank you, guys. Alright bubba let’s go. We have to start getting ready for bed.” Dana said. 

           Dana helped her son shower, brush his teeth, pick out his clothes for the next day and get ready for bed. She lied in bed with him, and he read the next series in their reading list, Dr. Seuss’ The Foot Book to her as she helped him sound our words and pronounce them correctly. He asked her questions about the stars and giraffes, hockey, and hot dogs. She waited until he fell asleep, then went to her room. She took off her clothes and threw them lazily on the floor of her bathroom. She walked into the shower and let the hot water run over her body. Her mind wandered. She thought about what she had to get done the next two days. The laundry, the meal prepping, the hockey practice, and homework. She thought about the last two days at work. The trauma. The life lost. But more than anything, she couldn’t stop thinking about what she had to say. She let the hot water wash away the day and ease her stiff and sore muscles before drying off and putting on her shorts and tank top. She lazily brushed her teeth and threw herself into her bed.

           Wide awake in bed staring at the ceiling. She picked up her phone. Scrolled through Facebook, then Pinterest, then twitter. Maybe it was her exhaustion. Maybe it was her loneliness. Maybe the events earlier that night reminded her that nobody is guaranteed more time to say what they want to say. She felt a little reckless. She had to say it. She opened the message app and began to type. 

Hey, are you awake?

She paused before sending. She took a breath and hit the send button. She waited for several minutes and continued to scroll nervously. Back and forth through Facebook, Pinterest, twitter, amazon, and the target ap. Bbbbbbbzzzz. Dana dropped the phone. Startled at the vibration. She picked it up to see the reply.

Yeah, what’s up? It read.

Her heart started pounding. Immediately regretting that she sent the message. She began and stopped typing, unable to put the words together. She desperately wanted to write, “Never mind, we’ll talk tomorrow”, or play it off like something trivial. 

Are you home? Dana replied.

Yeah, lol what’s up??

Can you talk? Dana asked.

    Yeah, call me.

No, in person. . . Dana protested.

Um. Amir is asleep. I can’t leave. Are you ok?

A wave of regret floods Dana’s stomach. Her heart starts racing. She feels her hands and feet go numb. Her palms begin to sweat.

Yeah, I’m fine. I know. Luca is asleep too. Just step outside and we’ll talk. I have to tell you something. It’s better in person. Dana responded.

Ok, give me a second.

Ok.

“Fuck.” Dana says to herself. Knowing that she can’t undo the conversation she is about to have. She puts on her grey sweatpants and blue hoodie over her shorts and tank top. She walks by her six-year-old son’s room and sees his back rise and fall slowly. His small body illuminated by his aquarium night light. She covered his small shoulders with his Spider Man comforter and kissed him softly on his head. 

“Love you, Bubba.” she said softly.

She heard the door click closed outside. She takes a deep breath and walks to the front door of her apartment. She turns the door knob and slowly pulls it open. A wave of cool air hit her skin as she walked out into the night. She steps outside, and her heart races when she sees her, smiling. 

Aaliyah was dressed in white sweatpants and a matching hoodie. Her dark hair pulled up in a loose ponytail. The white clothing made her light caramel skin glow in the warm outdoor light. Her amber eyes widened, and her full lips parted in a smile at Dana. 

“Hey.” she said.

“Hey.” Dana smiled back timidly.  

“What’s going on? Is everything ok? You’re freaking me out. Is it about the patient earlier? You seemed shaken up” Aaliyah said. 

“No, everything is fine. Listen. I have to tell you something. I . . .I don’t know how to say this.”

“What is going on? Just tell me.” 

Dana paused, looking into Aaliyah’s eyes. Searching her face. Aaliyah, desperate, takes Dana’s hands into hers. 

“What’s wrong?” Aaliyah says.

Dana looks into Aaliyah’s eyes. Tears welling. “I... I can’t say it.” Dana says.

“Try”. Aaliyah says, desperately searching her eyes. She says again. “Try”. 

Dana looked down. Embarrassed. Anxious. Trying to pull herself together. 

Aaliyah placed both hands on Dana’s face and gently forced Dana to look at her. 

“Dana, say it. Whatever it is.”

Dana, startled at the contact, looked into her eyes, and took a breath.

“I love you.” Dana said. 

Aaliyah’s eyes widened as she took in a sharp breath. Dana immediately felt her stomach drop and the waves of regret began flooding her insides. That was not good, she thought and desperately tried to think of a way to undo the words. 

Without saying a word, Aaliyah pulled Dana’s face to hers and kissed her on the lips. 

“I know.” Aaliyah said. Breaking the contact between the two of them. “I love you too.” I couldn’t say it either. 

Wordlessly, Dana put her arms around Aaliyah’s waist and pulled her close. Kissing her hard and possessively. Aaliyah wrapped her hands around Dana’s head and neck as she kissed her back.

“How long?” Aaliyah said against her lips.

“What?” Dana says.

“How long have you felt this way?” Aaliyah says.  

“Honestly? Since we met.”

Dana felt the smile on Aaliyah’s lips as they touched.

“And you’re just now saying something?” Aaliyah said.

“Why didn’t YOU say something?” Dana replied, laughing against her lips.

“I was scared.” Aaliyah said. Breaking the contact. “I was scared that you didn’t feel the same way. We work together. Our kids are best friends. We’re friends. We’re neighbors. I don’t know.” Aaliyah said. 

“We have a lot in common.” Said Dana, feeling the gravity of Aaliyah’s emotions. “I’m scared too. I’m sorry. This is complicated. You’re not out. I know you don’t want this.” Dana said sheepishly. 

Aaliyah placed her hands on Dana’s face and looked into her eyes. 

“You don’t get to tell me what I want.” She said as she pulled her lips to hers and kissed her again. Pulling her body into hers. They kissed for what seemed like hours. Neither spoke besides short murmurs of pleasure. Their hands carefully explore each other. Their mouths teasing and testing. Finally, Dana broke the contact and kissed Aaliyah behind her ear and pulled her close. 

“We have to go.” Dana whispered in her ear.

“Why?” Aaliyah said.

Laughing, Dana said, “Our children?”

“Oh yeah” Aaliyah chuckled back. 

“We’re both off tomorrow. Come over after we drop the boys off at school.” Dana said.

“And what is it you think we’re going to do?” Aaliyah asked, with a devilish smile. 

“Talk.” Dana said, smiling wryly and pulling her in for another kiss. 

Aaliyah took in a breath, “Dana I’m coming over but we’re not going to talk.”

Dana smiled against her lips. “You can’t say those things when we have to stop.”

“Ok”, Aaliyah said, forcing herself to stop, she pulled away. She placed her hands on Dana’s chest. 

“Have Luca ready by 7:30. I’ll drop him and Amir off at school. I’ll come by your place after. So, we can. . . talk.” She says playfully, raising her eyebrows. 

“Fine”. Dana said. Then softly kissed Aaliyah one last time. “Goodnight”.

“Goodnight”, Aaliyah replied smiling before walking back to her apartment and closing the door. 

           Dana could not feel her legs. She was physically exhausted and emotionally in shambles. She was in complete disbelief. She couldn’t help but laugh as she walked back into her apartment. She took off her hoodie and sweatpants and slipped into bed, staring at the ceiling again. “What the fuck just happened?” she thought. Bbbbbbzzz. She looked at her phone. 

I just realized you are the first person I would tell if something like this happened lol Aaliyah wrote.

Yeah haha you’re the first person I would tell too. Dana replied.

I’m not going to sleep tonight. Aaliyah wrote. 

Me neither lol. Dana responded.