The Machine Doesn't Sound Like That

Written in response to: "Write a story involving a noise complaint. "

Suspense Mystery

Content: Mild swearing


“It’ll jam if you go too fast,” Lillian instructed, “but it’ll also jam if you go too slow. So just go like a normal speed.”


Casey stared at the machine with a squinted eye. Upon Lillian’s words she had thrown her head back, rolling her eyes in the process, “Gee, thanks for the advice,” she remarked. 


Lillian threw her hands up in annoyance. Casey sighed and brought her attention back to the machine. She had never realized how complicated sewing could be. Wasn’t it something that mostly old ladies did? Well, old ladies plus Lillian. 


“Just go for it,” Lillian said, apparently forgiving Casey for her sass. With that, Casey pressed her foot on the pedal. She was shaky at first, going too slow, but then too fast when she applied more pressure. She watched the shiny purple fabric of her soon to be new dress pass through the needle and out the other end. When she reached the end, Lillian grabbed the piece and examined it.


“Not bad Cas,” she held it up to the light in order to get a better look, “a little crooked, but that’s to be expected when you’re beginning. I think you’re a natural!”


Casey smiled as Lillian handed the fabric back to her. She pinned the next piece to the already sewn fabric and began once again. Eventually, Lillian stepped away, leaving Casey to continue with her work as she zoned out to the sound of the machine. 


Suddenly, a loud knocking sound filled the apartment. It wasn’t the type of knock someone would give you after a packet arrived or maybe when they were trying to sell you something. It was urgent, aggressive, and made it clear that whoever behind that door was extremely unhappy. 


“What the heck?” Casey exclaimed as she jumped from her chair. Lillian came running into the living area from her bedroom. She approached the door and looked out the peephole. Casey watched as she rolled her eyes and whispered the identity of who stood before them. Apparently, it was their next door neighbor. Neither girl knew his name, Lillian must have just recognized him from when they crossed paths. As Lillian hesitated to open the door, Casey figured she probably was waiting to see if he would just leave. However, another knock came shortly after which seemed even more intense.


“I’m sorry, is there an issue?” Lillian spoke as she opened the door, revealing the man looking incredibly sour. Now that Casey could see him, he was indeed their next door neighbor. He was tall and skinny, probably the type of guy who spent more time than he would admit trying to bulk up at the gym. He wore a green tank top and clashing striped gym shorts. More Lillian's type than Casey’s. She believed his name was Joseph, but she only knew because she had heard his roommate refer to him as that before. 


“I don’t want to be rude or anything, but whatever you’re doing in there, it’s annoying as hell, so please stop,” he said with a dry tone.


Casey hoped this wasn’t his attempt at being polite, because he was doing a seriously horrible job at it. Him and Lillian exchanged a few frustrated words each while Casey watched silently. The door hadn’t even been open for a minute before it was once again slammed as the guy stomped away.


“What a tool,” Lillian muttered as she made her way to the couch, he’s all pissy because of the noise. He must be hearing the sewing machine.”


Casey sat down next to her, “That’s weird, you sew all the time. I don’t know why it would suddenly be bothering him,” she said.


“Who knows,” Lillian sighed, “maybe the stick that he has up his ass was just wedged a little further up today.” Casey laughed at her friend's genuine annoyance at the guy. She was a bit surprised something so small was allowing her to get so worked up. It wasn’t in Lillian’s nature to allow such a thing to annoy her so deeply. 


“Why are you so upset? Did you think he was cute or something?” Casey asked, and immediately Lillian jumped up.


“Absolutely not!” She said despite turning red in the face, “It’s not like we know him either. I’ve just seen him around. After that I will be avoiding him as much as possible.” Casey laughed again, but she didn’t blame her for making such a claim.


With one final chuckle Casey got off the couch, “Darn, I was kind of hoping for an enemies to lovers thing between the two of you,” Lillian violently shook her head as Casey continued, “but I’ll leaving the sewing alone for a while just so he doesn’t show back up again.”


*****


Casey shoved her hand into the popcorn bowl as she absentmindedly watched the TV alongside Lillian. Like many other nights, Lillian had chosen to watch some cheesy horror movie which barely interested Casey. It wasn’t her night to choose what they watched though, so she had to put up with it. Only after another scene where the main character narrowly escaped the masked killer that Casey had enough.


“I’m going to make a sandwich, do you want one?” Casey asked as she got off of the couch and made her way over to their tiny kitchen.


“Peanut butter and marshmallow, please!” Lillian exclaimed, seeming like she was overjoyed that Casey had offered. 


“Gross,” Casey remarked, but began to make her choice regardless. After completing Lillian’s, she began to make a ham sandwich for herself. However, before she was able to finish, there was a knock at the door just like earlier. Casey sighed and headed over, deciding to open it herself this time.


“Grab a knife, just in case it’s him again and he really gets on our nerves,” Lillian ran over the kitchen as Casey said this. She gave Casey a thumbs up as she stood next to the knife holder. 


Casey opened the door, and unfortunately she was not surprised. There stood her neighbor once again, now in a plain white t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants.


“Don’t you think it’s kind of late to be banging on the door?” Casey asked, looking to the kitchen and seeing it was past ten.


He scoffed, “Don’t you think it’s a little late to be making so much damn noise?”


“I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re literally just watching TV,” Casey began to close the door. It was probably just someone to the other side of his room and the idiot didn’t have a sense of direction or something.


“Maybe it’s coming from your other neighbor,” Lillian shouted over, as if she had read Casey’s mind.


“They can’t be,” he replied before diving into an overly detailed explanation of how they’re on vacation and he’s been watering their plants.


“We get it, it’s not them,” Casey groaned, “but it’s not us, so maybe you and your roommate should go get your ears checked or something.” Again, Casey started closing the door. This time, Lillian walked over and nudged herself between Casey and Joseph.


“What do you even think you’re hearing?” she asked. He explained that it was a knocking sort of sound which would stop periodically but then begin shortly after again. After a few more unhappy words, Lillian pushed past Joseph and out the apartment.


“Okay, let’s go and see then. I bet if Casey and I go over there, the sound will still happen,” she grabbed Casey’s hand and pulled her as she walked towards Joseph’s door. He gave a halfhearted protest, but after constantly complaining he didn’t really have it in him to fight it.


As the two girls barged through the door, Casey took the environment in. Obviously, the layout was the same as her own apartment, but the main area was far less tidy. There were dishes in the sink, the furniture didn’t match, and dirty clothes were scattered throughout the room. His roommate was sprawled out on the couch, seeming much more annoyed by the girls coming in than whatever noise Joseph was insisting he heard. He sat up, showing off his matching pajama set off which had dinosaurs. 


“Nice pajamas,” Casey commented before he even asked why they were there.


“Thanks,” he replied, “Why did you bring them over here Joe?”


Joseph explained what the girls had told him just before. However, his tone made sure to signify that he didn’t believe what the two were saying. The other man introduced himself as Connor, and insisted that he was hearing the noises as well. Casey waited a moment after he finished speaking, wanting to see if there were in fact noises. The four were quiet for at least a minute, but the room remained silent.


“Oh would you look at that,” Casey remarked, “there isn’t any sound.” She turned to begin to leave.


“We told you, it doesn’t happen all the time,” Joseph fought back, insisting that she wait another minute or two for it to begin again. As skeptical as she was, Casey decided to just stay put in hopes of appeasing the boys so they would then leave Lillian and her alone. As she waited she was tempted to tap her foot as she grew impatient. However, she figured that may upset the two boys as she’d be interfering with any potential mysterious noises. 


After another two minutes, Casey spoke up again, “Okay, this is clearly-”


She was abruptly cut off by a light knocking noise. It was very quiet at first, only as loud as if someone were tapping their finger against the wall. Gradually, it became louder and more prominent until it was a full audible thump that didn’t stop. It wasn’t extremely aggressive or anything, but it clearly came from the wall that was shared with the girl’s apartment. 


“Okay, that is strange,” Lillian commented as she stepped closer to the wall, “but clearly it isn’t us if it’s happening while we’re not in there.”


“That’s actually true, it can’t be them,” Connor said as he stepped closer to the wall, “but if it isn’t you guys then what the hell is it?”


Lillian threw out suggestions. Maybe it was their air conditioner acting up. Maybe the water heater was making that noise. Even a small animal living within the wall making the noise. 


“Whatever it is, I’m sick of it,” Joseph sighed, stepping closer to the wall himself and pressing his ear against it.


“I think you owe us a bit of an apology,” Casey said as she crossed her arms, “you were pretty aggressive towards us.” Joseph rolled his eyes, but didn’t turn to look at her.


“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry-” He began to furrow his eyebrows, “wait, the sound is beginning to change. It’s like scratching.” The other three pressed their ears to the wall as well. There was a scratching sound, and just like the thumping, it was getting progressively louder as well.


“It has to be a squirrel or something,” Casey decided, “you should call animal control,” she suggested and she stepped away from the wall once again. She grabbed Lily’s hand in hopes of leading her out of the apartment. It was getting late, and now that it was proven the two girls weren’t making the sound she didn’t want to be there any longer.


As the two girls began to walk towards the door, Lillian gave them an apology for the misunderstanding (though Casey felt she had no need to apologize) and wished them a good night. As they reached out for the doorknob, the scratching stopped, but was immediately replaced with loud banging. This time, it really sounded like whatever was in there wasn’t just making noise, it was trying to break through the wall.


“What the actual hell,” Connor ran backwards from where he had his ear against the wall as Joseph did the same. 


“That sounds like there’s a person in there or something,” Lillian whispered.


“That’s impossible,” Joseph insisted. 


“Okay, this is ridiculous,” Connor said as he ran over to their closet. From it, he grabbed a shovel. Joseph tried to protest, but Connor slammed the shovel through the wall, insisting that he would fix it afterwards. As he made the hole, the noise stopped. Eventually, it was big enough for the four of them to gather around it and peer inside. 


As she looked closer inside of the hole in the wall, Casey struggled to find anything. It was dark, there didn’t seem to be much movement, and there was no noise at all. Joseph said he was going to get a flashlight. Curiosity drove Casey to move closer in, now placing her hands on either side of the hole and sticking her head in.


“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Connor warned, standing farther back than the two girls were.


Casey ignored him, looking deeper in as she heard Joseph in the kitchen rattling through drawers. Eventually, as her vision continued to adjust to the darkness, she saw what looked like a humanoid figure pressing itself against the other side of the area between the walls. She called out, but there was no reply. Casey took a step back, and whispered to Lillian to call the police. She pulled out her phone immediately and began to do so.


The figure then chuckled. It was a low, menacing chuckle. The type you would hear in the beginning of a horror movie when you didn’t know what type of monster you were dealing with yet. 


“Girls,” Connor whispered, “get out of here. Go slowly so it doesn’t hear.” The two girls began to make their way towards the door. Connor held the shovel he used to break the wall up in self defense. As he did, the low chucking that came from the figure turned into a full screech-like laugh as it jumped from the hole in the wall onto Connor. 


All four of them screamed, but Connor’s was one of pain. The girls ran from the apartment, not looking for even a moment behind them. Casey practically threw herself down the staircase towards the ground floor. As she did, she yelled for help. She wasn’t sure who she was asking for or what they could even do, but she yelled nonetheless. 


Eventually, the two made it outside of their apartment building. As the girls stood in the middle of the empty street, both out of breath, Lillian struggled to report what had just happened on the phone to the operator. When she finished, she dropped her phone on the ground and collapsed after. Casey attempted to catch her, but ultimately ended up sitting on the floor alongside her.


“We-” Lillian managed to choke out, “are finding a new apartment to live in.”


Posted Jun 02, 2022
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5 likes 10 comments

Kay Northbridge
18:43 Jun 05, 2022

Hi Piper,

I'm back to offer some critique as promised. Let me start by saying that I find the most useful feedback to be that which points out errors and areas for improvement, so that is what I try to do for others. If you disagree with anything I say please feel free to ignore it, and do feel free to ask questions if you have any.

So, I really like the story itself - I wrote for the same prompt and we had similar ideas - a neighbour who can hear something that other people think isn't really there, but it turns out to be something sinister that no one expected. I like this idea a lot (otherwise I wouldn't have written it myself). I like how you end the story with a bit of an unknown, leaving it to the reader to imagine what might be living (or not) inside the walls. It's creepy. I like creepy.

There are areas where I think you could improve the style of the piece to bring it to life a bit more for the reader, and I'll focus on those below.

1. Dialogue:
The content of your dialogue is pretty good. I like the way your characters speak to each other. But you do tend to use a lot of different dialogue tags, which are a bit distracting and could be simplified to make them less obvious to the reader. The general rule is to only used "said" and "asked" as dialogue tags, swap the rest for these simple words. You use quite a range of them (instructed / remarked / commented / etc), I'd swap as many as possible for just said, or asked. If you need to get across emotion in the dialogue, do it by using carefully chosen speech instead, or punctuation where needed (though do that sparingly).
Also - where you have an action tag with a line of speech, you don't really need a dialogue tag as well. You can cut all the dialogue tags in these cases.

Also check your dialogue formatting. In some places you have one character speaking and a different character acting without a line break. For example:

“Just go for it,” Lillian said, apparently forgiving Casey for her sass. //With that, Casey pressed her foot on the pedal.

Where Casey starts to act you should have a line break where the // is marked.

2. Adverbs:
You use a lot of adverbs in this piece. Again, the general rule is to cut them wherever you can. Use stronger verbs to replace them if possible, or just reword the line until it no longer needs them.
For example:
Wasn’t it something that mostly old ladies did? Well, old ladies plus Lillian.
You can cut "mostly" here. It isn't adding anything to the line and actually the line sounds stronger without it (I think).
Wasn’t it something that old ladies did? Well, old ladies plus Lillian.

Another example:
“Why are you so upset? Did you think he was cute or something?” Casey asked, and immediately Lillian jumped up.
Here you can cut "immediately" - again, it isn't adding anything because we know that jumping up is a sudden movement.

I'd suggest you go through the entire piece and mark all of the -ly adverbs and see how many you can just cut out and then how many can be reworded.

3. Redundancy:
The aim of most editing is to shorten the prose where possible, and say as much as you can with as few words as possible. This keeps the lines and paragraphs tight, improves the pace and keeps the reader engaged.
So you are aiming not to repeat information (unless it really is key to do so) and not to explain things that the reader will naturally understand.

For example:
“Just go for it,” Lillian said, apparently forgiving Casey for her sass. With that, Casey pressed her foot on the pedal.
you can cut the adverb here and some of the redundant words (and also reformat as noted above) so this would become:

“Just go for it,” Lillian said, forgiving Casey for her sass.

Casey pressed her foot on the pedal.

You don't need the extra words around this, the reader will understand what is happening.

Another example:
Lillian threw out suggestions. Maybe it was their air conditioner acting up. Maybe the water heater was making that noise. Even a small animal living within the wall making the noise.

The reader already knows we are talking about the noise in the walls - you don't have to spell that out again - so this line would become:

Lillian threw out suggestions. Maybe it was their air conditioner acting up. Maybe the water heater, even a small animal.

Another example:
All four of them screamed, but Connor’s was one of pain. The girls ran from the apartment, not looking for even a moment behind them. Casey practically threw herself down the staircase towards the ground floor. As she did, she yelled for help. She wasn’t sure who she was asking for or what they could even do, but she yelled nonetheless.

This section is the quick paced action of the ending so you want your reader to read fast and not be slowed down by unnecessary words. I'd cut it down to its bare minimum, something like this:

They screamed, Connor in serious pain. The girls ran from the apartment, not looking behind them. Casey threw herself down the stairs and yelled for help. She wasn’t sure who she was asking, or what they could do, but she yelled nonetheless.

4. Show Don't Tell:

Show don't tell is a generally accepted rule used to improve the quality of prose and draw the reader more into the story. The idea is that when you "tell" the reader something you are spelling it out word by word and not conjuring images in the reader's mind beyond the words on the page. When you "show" the reader something you are giving them more of a picture from which to draw their own conclusions. There is plenty of space in any story for telling - but showing is an important skill to work on to allow additional depth to your stories.

For example:
I could write: It was a dark winter night and Elaine walked down the street. She was nervous about seeing Mrs. Green.
I would be telling.
OR
I could write: Elaine tried to brush the snow from her coat but the streetlights were out and she couldn't tell if it was gone. As she approached Mrs. Green's door, she tried again to compose herself.
Then I would be showing.
In the second example the reader can gather everything that is laid out in the first example using their imagination, and this makes the piece a more interesting read. It also allows for more scene setting.

. . .

Let's see if we can put all of the above together - looking at the following section:

“What the heck?” Casey exclaimed as she jumped from her chair. Lillian came running into the living area from her bedroom. She approached the door and looked out the peephole. Casey watched as she rolled her eyes and whispered the identity of who stood before them. Apparently, it was their next door neighbor. Neither girl knew his name, Lillian must have just recognized him from when they crossed paths. As Lillian hesitated to open the door, Casey figured she probably was waiting to see if he would just leave. However, another knock came shortly after which seemed even more intense.

I would edit this section as follows:

“What the heck?” Casey jumped from her chair.

Lillian ran in from her bedroom. She approached the door and looked out the peephole. She rolled her eyes and pointed towards the wall of the next door apartment. Neither girl knew the neighbor's name. Lillian paused, waiting to see if he would just leave. Another knock came, which was even more intense.

. . .

Reedsy offer a series of free email courses that cover all of the above and much more. They are really useful. I can't post links in the comments, but if you Google for Reedsy Writing Courses you should find them.

Again, I just want to say that you have a great idea for a story here, I really like the ending (I would actually leave the final line exactly as it is if you edit). I hope my notes are helpful, I only intend to assist you in developing your style.

Do keep writing - you're off to a really good start.

All best wishes,
K

Reply

Piper Ollie
21:31 Jun 05, 2022

Thank you so much for all of your feedback! You are seriously so kind to give that much time and thought to help me out. For the past few years, I've written plays for my local theatre. Obviously those are really dialogue heavy, so it's been a bit of a struggle learning to go between dialogue in scripts to dialogue in prose. I'll definitely take everything you said into account! Again, thank you so much!

Reply

Sylvia Courtner
17:29 Jun 13, 2022

Wonderful and educational suggestions. Thank you for being so thorough.

Reply

Kay Northbridge
08:20 Jun 05, 2022

Hi Piper, thank you for reading and commenting on my story for the same prompt. If you would like me to leave a critique on yours, reply to this comment and let me know. It looks like you are new to Reedsy. Welcome to the community!

Reply

Piper Ollie
16:52 Jun 05, 2022

Thank you so much for offering! I'd love any critic/advice you may have!

Reply

Graham Kinross
09:58 Jun 05, 2022

Great first story Piper. I’m glad they got out of there.

Reply

Piper Ollie
16:52 Jun 05, 2022

Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate it!

Reply

Graham Kinross
21:02 Jun 05, 2022

No problem Piper.

Reply

Mike Panasitti
04:42 Jun 05, 2022

This story starts off innocently enough, but as soon as the figure inside the hole appears, I felt a creepiness that reminded me of American TV horror shows from the early 80s

Great first contribution.

Reply

Piper Ollie
16:52 Jun 05, 2022

Thank you! I'm not really a horror/creepy writer, but I had the idea with the prompt so I thought I'd give it a try!

Reply

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