The Drop Off

Inching along in bumper-to-bumper traffic is never fun and is always frustrating, but for middle-aged Ari and not quite teen, Leo, it was an opportunity.

"Where I come from we don't MISS the bus!" Ari bellowed at Leo.

"They had buses back then? I would've thought covered wagons."

"You do realize now I'm going to be late, because I'm in this funeral procession of a line to get you to this magic drop off point. I don't know why they can't just let us drop you guys off anywhere on this street?"

"Because they kind of want us to LIVE to get INTO the school, Dad."

"There's a sidewalk right there. It's not like you'd be dodging traffic. Although THIS traffic is moving so slowly a sloth with a broken hip could dodge it!"

"It's school pol-i-cy," Leo said melodically.

"Oh, I hate it when you do that."

"Do what?"

"That little sing-song thing you do with your words. You sound just like your mother!"

"A sound you could do without. I know."

"Well, I've done without it for the 6 years I've been stuck with you."

"I'm mutually stuck, Dad! And don't think I wouldn't rather be in Australia with Mom."

"No, you wouldn't, the toilets flush backwards there."

"Believe it or not, that's NOT a big concern for me. Just like I've never been a big concern for you."

"Are you kidding?! You know how much this private school, we're currently crawling up to like a lethargic snail, is costing me?"

"You could just send me to LAUSD."

"Yes, and if I insured you first against being murdered, I might break even."

"Look, I'm sorry she didn't take me with her when she ran off with Ruggiero."

"Oh, yes, the Italian drummer from Melbourne!" Ari said with so much vitriol you could almost hear the acid rising in his throat.

"But it's not MY fault she didn't."

"Just like it's not your fault you don't look anything like me but bear a striking resemblance to your mother's yoga instructor."

"For that I'm grateful. I could have your ample nose and lack of chin."

"Yeah, and I know you enjoy being able to put your leg behind your head."

"Hey, Ace was a good yoga instructor. And you didn't let him keep working with me after Mom left."

"What? You wanted more Daddy and Me time?"

"Not the one I'm getting now."

"Can I help it if you go to the Turtle Drop Off School?"

"Well, then I'm in the right school, because living with you all these years has certainly made me grow a shell. No wonder Mom says you're an asshole”

“And you remember this pearl of wisdom from back when you were SIX?!”

“No! We video chat.”

“So, on the internet that I pay for, you call your mother to bitch about me?”

“I have to talk to somebody about you. Living with you is like a pressure cooker full of nitroglycerin!”

“What am I paying your shrink for?!”

“You got me Dr. Elkins way back in the 2^nd Grade so YOU wouldn't have to listen to me.”

“Yeah, and so far that's worked out so well for me! Why don't you tell her about what an asshole you and your mother agree I am? I mean, at $250 an hour, she should be in the loop.”

“Dad, Dr. Elkins has been in the same room with you, believe me, she's figured it out for herself.”

“Oh, nice jab. I shouldn't have gotten you a shrink. I should have gotten you a boxing coach.”

“Yeah, riiiiight! Like that one karate class you took me to, where I broke my nose!”

“And you're still bringing it up 5 years later.”

“Hey, you're not the one that walked around elementary school for a whole week looking like Owen Wilson!”

"Another man your mother took to her bed while we were married. Maybe you're HIS kid?"

"Oh, shut up! You're always saying Mom was a slut. How do you know she wasn't raped?"

"You can't rape the willing, Leo."

"And married to you, I can understand WHY she was so willing!"

"COOL!" Ari said triumphantly as he reached for the dashboard. "I'm turning the voice recorder off now, Leo, you can drop out of character."

"Good, because I was running out of ideas."

"You came up with some good ones though!"

"Did it help?"

"Are you kidding? No wonder you kill at improv class."

"You think you're over your block?"

"I'd better be, the studio wants at least a rough draft of this thing by the end of the week. I'll tell you this, youngling, it's really KILLER to have an actor for a nephew."

"Hey, it helps having a writer for an uncle too. That monologue you wrote me: IMPRESSED."

"Did you get a call back?"

"No, skipped the call backs. I go right to producers on Thursday."

They gave each other the most enthusiastic of high fives. As Ari noticed the end was in sight, the drop off point was now less than five cars away.

"Sorry Mom stuck you with drop off duties."

"I was happy to do it, kiddo. Got me away from looking at my blank computer screen for a while. A LONG while, but..."

Leo's response to that was to playfully punch Ari in the arm as he grinned at him. Then a ponderous look came over the boy's face.

"Uncle Ari? These characters you're writing for... Do you really think a father and son could ever be that... Effed up?"

"It's a sitcom, Leo. The scene we just worked through is mild compared what's going to have to go into the actual script."

"You mean those two are going to be even crappier to each other? Is this for Network?"

"Naw, streaming."

"Oh, that figures. Do they have names yet?"

"Not yet, but I'm thinking of calling your character: Hoespian. What do you think?"

"NO-spian."

"What do you know? You're 12."

"I know better than to name a kid after the Armenian chef at Dan Tana's!"

"Hey, it's my favorite restaurant."

Leo rolled his eyes at his uncle, as finally, blessedly, the drop off point was reached.

"We made it! Have a good day, kiddo. And thanks for the assist."

"Will I get writing credit?"

"If I use one of your lines... MAY-be?"

"Really?!"

"No."

Leo punched him again, this time harder, as he opened his door to debark the car.

"I guess I should thank you too. Because whether I book or not with your mono... After being in THAT kid's headspace... I think I'm going to do something nice for my dad this weekend."

"Careful, I know my little brother. Don't treat him too nice. He'll think there's something wrong."

They shared a laugh, as Leo jumped onto the sidewalk and closed the car door behind him.

Ari looked up at the plethora of cars in front of him.

"Great. Now that I finally have some good ideas and I'm not near as blocked... I'm going to be stuck in this mess for another half hour."

Ari sighed, as he glanced over to see Leo horsing around with his friends on his way into the building, laughing and playing with the other kids, like a regular boy. Even though the last few minutes proved he was far more than just that.

Leo threw a last wave at him before he ducked through the front doors, and Ari couldn't help but think that his kid brother was a truly lucky man.