Dried Recognition From A Father

I thought I had the grasp of it, but it all went away upon my losing. Thoughts of giving my all may prevail the eyes and interests of those who saw me, yet all went for nought.

As an adopted son of a high noble, I received a silver ornament to train as a soldier for fifteen years in this barren fortress. The Fortress of Meiol Stone, led by my stepfather, The Commander Baron and Field Marshal, Juvainne Hailenhienn. I’ve tried to earn his trust and praises, yet my worth cannot penetrate his stale and cladded mind. I tasted the dirt and undrenching dusts of the training grounds, but, pushing myself back up gained more humiliation rather than honour. Achievements that I bore and renowned to claim merit are hacked without credits, I was someone, but branded to be no one.

I cowered in my room every still of the darkest evening, my mind kept the quarrels beneath my skin. I once placed my own blade against my throat in the middle of unending night, howbeit ending my life will only bring them ease of mind. I cannot relay my vengeance or prove any worth to those who’ve wronged me if I stopped my breaths, so I dragged on and endured the rain of torment.

Amidst my everyday crumbling body and thoughts, a retainer of mine, Verlhar, who took care of me since I was in all fours, and has always kept my decisions in the right path in all my years. Instead of my ever dense Father, Velhar was there when my mother breathed her last. Verlhar defied a few orders before, just to make sure that I won’t tatter from depravity. He was more like a real father to me than a mere attendant. Aside from Velhar, a frail friend of mine, Mardiner, has also kept me sane throughout my ordeal of misery. His thin body like squab of shrub and soft voice like the sung of fairies made me at peace, thinking a lad like him would never dare do the ugliest thing. Unlike those with power and firm rostrum to moor on, made me like the worst of scrubs and inflict angst, grief, and torture. Mardiner is my one and only nonblood kin inside those oblivious walls and beams.

One night, I woke from my slumber, due to horrific scenes in my unconscious mind. I ambled out my quarters and heard clamours by the gate, and a boisterous event in the middle of darkness can name all odds. I prowled to where it was, and there I saw, hooded men and our soldiers bartering an unknown medium. I kept thinking, why would men of our domain and outsiders conspires for such, while rumours creeps in swift? It made me think, it was a great opportunity, a triumph to receive a liking, if I spill what my eyes have gazed. But doubt claimed me back, realized that words I may utter would bring misdemeanour to myself, and so, I shunned my eyes and kept my tongue tied. I was a coward.

A fading dawn and a new sunray shone through my sills. I bowed my eyes in reminisce of that long night, and my greed to know what it was dared to push. Nevertheless, I had to maintain my routes of every disappointing day, it was my priority. I’ve shared a meal with my friend, Mardiner, in the halls, and he noticed my new long face. He asked me, why is my face stamped with anxiety, for he’s already accustomed to my deprived state. And I said that he shouldn’t worry for such, and I’ve always been in distress and anguish. Then he stopped asking.

A few weeks later, another dusk has started to fall, and I made sure my windowsill is unlatched to blatantly watch the gate. I was exhausted and beaten, so I laid on my bed, but a sudden knock pounded my door. I told him to come, and Velhar dawdled in with my dinner platter. He asked me, “Why do you need keep your bruises from me?” And I told him, “I don’t want to be a bother.” After I consumed my sustenance, he asked me to take off my garment and show my back. I asked why, then he scuffled his pocket and pulled out an ointment, so I heeded what he asked. While smudging my back with healing, he told me, “I’ll be away for three days as scout, I need you to keep your subtleness in my absence, if it’s not a difficult request to ask.” And I answered, “You do not need to worry, I’ll shall remain in silence without your presence.” Then he tapped my back and said, “All done.” I turned my head over my shoulder and saw his kindest eyes and smile. I knew those words are meant to care, howbeit some things are best to be done. Then I wore back my quilt and laid, and Velhar bid me a good sleep and took his leave.

But I did not sleep at all, I felt that another affair will befall that night, and it did, a scheme happened outside of my window. I simply cannot fathom the thought, where do they find the audacity for that deed? They and their family are fed well for their fair and honest contribution in this land. I grew in angst with my pure righteousness, and so I waited for them to reach their conclusion, and that I embedded to find what these men are up to, I had to.

I snuck into a storage where they hid the Thing they’ve been exchanging. I noticed that a carpet had been flipped, and upon stepping on it, I heard a creak. I hunkered down and knocked my mitt, and realized it was a vault, my hunches came vividly in just. I opened the hatch, and there I saw cauldrons veiled with linens. I leisurely shoved the covering, and my eyes grew broad of that discovery. My face glowed crimson from the beautiful scarlet shimmers of it. It was an element that the Nazgaldur Council have long forbid, The Apalium Dust. An ominous element of the Netherworld used by Liches and Under Kings. It has the power to strengthen an individual to their utmost limit, but in exchange of devouring their humanity. Obtaining such sinistrous component could lead one’s ordeal to their gallows, death will be inexorable. The thoughts of a victorious stand crammed my mind, the greed for the most thing I sought will soon be in my hands, the recognition of being branded, and be praised for my worth. Then a smile took over my maw.

A new rise of sun basked against my skin as I unbolted my window. The beam on my lips ripped through my jaw while I harbour the thoughts, that the Commander Baron will grant me a merit, not as a soldier, but as a Father of a longing son. I knew that I cannot do the work alone, and so I looked for a potential ally, none other than Mardiner. I did not try to venture a scheme with Velhar, for he’ll be away as a scout. I found Mardiner in his quarter and dawdled in to converse my plan, he’s truly dumbfounded about what I found. At first, he had doubts, yet he still agreed to offer support. Even with those scraggy limbs of his, he pledged with his uttermost ability and loyalty. I was lucky to have an unyielding friend, our kinship is a tapestry that cannot be torn, that even laws in this bleak place cannot gauge.

Two days later, everything was in place. I sent Mardiner to convene soldiers and conduct an investigation in the storage, and I had a different role. I had a small amount of Apalium Dust wrapped in cloth, and I stood by the Commander’s door. I barged in and saw him before his table, seated like he was ready for anyone to come. Those solid upturned eyes have always pierced my soul, I felt the coldness like my feet crumbs from eternal frostbite. But stopping would mean I yield from the steps I wished to ascend, so I foot slogged to his table and crashed the cloth on it.

He unwrapped the cloth that was unbeknown to him, yet he wasn’t even in awe upon seeing it. He asked me sternly, “Where did you find this?” And I told him all what he needed to know. Every query was answered, and every detail was relayed, howbeit he kept his long stale face till the very end. I held my smirks while singing him the words, then he stood up and sauntered to his window. Then he asked me, “Why are you do this?”

My face froze from the question. I asked myself, what is he expecting me to say? A question that I didn’t prepare any resolve. My tongue was tied enough that my jaw quivered before uttering, the uncertainty fogged my mind like I forgot that I was living. While sweat streamed down on my temple, I answered him the most simplest thing. I told him with vigour, that there might be those who planned an espionage within our walls. Then he told me, “Power is a never ending process, and it is sought for the purpose of ruling.” I stood there in flabbergast from what he implicated. I didn’t find any resolve to prolong a debate, for my mind is telling me that I’ve done something that I shouldn’t. Then he told me, “You’re too naïve to be wearing that silver ornament.” Hearing those words, my world began to darken. As my feet are still moored, I heard the door behind me opened. I gazed over my shoulder, and there stood Mardiner and several high soldiers.

“Weilhard, adopted Son of Commander Juvainne. You are under arrest for hiding a forbidden element, Apalium Dust in your quarter. As the implemented order of Nazgaldur Council! You do not have the right to parry, for it will worsen your ordeal!” A soldier said.

I was in shameless defeat that I could taste the salty blood that is pouring from my back. My only friend, Mardinar have betrayed me, the tapestry that I hanged for our friendship have been thrown over by jilt. My father, no, the Commander was right…I was naïve. They shackled my hands to my back, casted away my sword, and stripped off the silver ornament from my chest. I glanced to the Commander, and all I saw, are eyes tainted with disdain, disgust, and anger. I pleaded to him despite of what he showed, and he told me, “You were never my son.” My eyes bedewed from the most hurtful phrase that I’ve ever heard, more damaging than any bruises from a scabbard, and more wounding from any sword. As the soldiers dragged me out of the Commander’s quarter, I passed by Mardinar who’s stood by the door. I saw his lips moved and even without the sound, it pierced my heart hearing the words, “You’re despicable.” It ruptured me that my eyes boggled from the numbing pain.

They threw me in a dark cell under the fortress’ keep with no other lights, only but torches. I can hear the cries and mourns of other prisoners in their own cell, like a sinister echoing song of departed souls. I shrivelled myself on the corner, gazing upon the wet ragged stone floors and walls, then I looked up and saw cobwebs and moulds. Thinking that I’m off no use to this world, and bliss in my life are only but a dream. I should’ve cut my throat that night when I mustered the courage, what a shame that I didn’t.

 Fourteen days that I’ve shared those walls with other prisoners, yet my retainer, Velhar, have never come for me at all. I set my mind that he was only aiming for a chance to pay a visit and bring sustenance for my lacking. It came to my mind that those steels and stones turned out to be my haven, it was safe, but food is scarce, howbeit it didn’t bother me. Then a soldier came in and picked me up to dragged me out of the under keep, he was ordered to bring me back to the Commander’s quarter. Before I got there, I saw Mardinar stood await by the door. I cannot even share a sight with him, for I’ve been a submissive person for all my life, because I know, the grin on his face is dreading as a drought. I cannot even guess, when did he start to detest me, for all I know, that I’ve only been the best comrade for him.

Mardinar escorted me with tight grip to enter the Commander’s quarter, and there he was, still seated on the same highchair. I asked him, why the need of calling me again, when I am already betrayed and abandoned? I tried my best to voice my anger, yet again, I cowered. Then he spoke, “You’ll be thrown out of this fortress away to the unknown north. And you will never come back.” I heard what he said, it didn’t sound as a command, nor a mere ordeal, but an utter exile. I didn’t respond knowing it will be pointless, all I have to do, is heed what he just said. The unknown north, a mysterious plain where I can die unbeknownst to anyone, I couldn’t think of any better way for a coward to come to an end. I remained silent without refute, for them it’s a closure of agreement. Then Mardinar loosened my shackles and it dropped hard on the varnished floor where my eyes have always been fixed. Then the Commander said, “I loved your mother, but her existence came to futile when she bore you, what a real vain.” I kept my eyes down, I’ve no power, nor wisdom to take on a Commander. It hurt me hearing him shaming my late mother, but I can do nothing about it, for he was right…that I am useless. Mardinar grabbed my elbow and dragged me out of that cold room.

Mardinar accompanied me out to the grounds, and foot soldiers started to twist the fulcrum and bearing to unbolt the main gate. Then he said, “You must be wondering, when did I started hating you.” I did not answer, but I raised my diverted eyes just to look at him for the last time, and the smile on his face, it is the most menacing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Then he said, “It was when we very first met, I never liked you at all. My stomach grumbles every time I fake a smile, but this smile today, is the most truest smile I’ve ever made for you.”

Then I heard the thud of the gate and turned my head, it was widely open. Then I sauntered out without answer, slogging my final steps inside the fortress, and reaching my stride to its borders wringed my heart in ache. My body was too numb from the distraught and shiver, but my heart wailed and cried ablazed. I reached the outside, and I heard Mardinar called a soldier carrying a sack stained with blood. Then he said, “You know, even when you’re despised, there are still those who fall in loyal thread, that is why some deeds are needed to be done. Take this with you on your journey, he might be off help.” Mardinar threw the sack to me, and it rolled on the dry ground, and dusts clouded it hidden. I picked it up and untied the rope, then I took out what’s inside. My tears started flowing thick like lament pearls, and my cries shredded the intangible air. I saw the grin on Mardinar’s face from the other side while the gates came shut, and it leavened my agony and the knees that I was mustering came in crumble.

I hugged his head tightly while the gates crashed close. I revered my father with fear, yet I deeply know he’s not the one who deserved it. It should be him, he who stood by my side all this time, the warmth of care he showed, yet Velhar’s head was as cold as a blemished ice.

Ten years have passed, I stood before the same gate that banished me. I came from the north, it was a struggle, nevertheless, I learnt how to live outside the walls of wretchedness, it was all because of a man I met. I waltzed in, and the land filled with prosperity was not the same as before. The Fortress of Meiol Stone became deprived and scoured of famine. Some people that I once knew grew senile, and others been in sought of desire they never claimed. No one remembered my face, for my body’s filled with scars due to trials that I overcame, I stood taller than those who belittled me before.

I entered the fortress’ keep, and upon opening the door of the Commander’s quarter, a crippled man seated on a wheelchair welcomed my presence. Wearing tattered clothes with long disarrayed hair, he seemed uncared. And I said, “It’s been a while.” With his convulsive hands and amputated legs, he tried to trudge out of his seat hearing a voice that he has long heard. Then he landed the floor due to his unesteemed limbs and started crawling to me. Then he asked with a sobbing voice, “Is that you?” And I answered, “Indeed, it is me,” Then he began to bawl with his gauged eyes and stitched lips. I felt a pain in seeing his tormented body, and the caterwauls he bellowed are soul piercing. I asked myself, what kind of hell did he went through? I carried him back to his wheelchair and consoled his desolated tears, and I said to him, “I’m home…Mardinar, my Friend.”

After his apologies with whimpers, he told me to explore my stepfather’s chamber, so did, I entered a room that was owned by a man I abhorred. Mardiner said, that there’s a letter beneath the former Commander’s bed, and I’m ought to read it. I scuffled my hand under the sheets, and there I found it. I unfolded the paper and started reading.

“It’s an ordinary day, my Son. I wished we could have done some fishing by the Plemar Lake, I heard there were tonnes of Arden Fish in there. We could have grilled it and sat by the fire like any normal family, I’ve always wish for us to be, with your mother, of course. I never forget her charm and sweet voice. The duty I’ve been tasked since I was born, is not a title, nor nobility…I’ve always seen it as a curse. I am sorry, my dear Son. You, coming to this world was a gift for us, even I’m not your blood father, I’ve always seen you as my Son. But the world is too tarnished for a man like me to have all the joy I think I deserve. So, I needed an excuse to throw you out of here, I hope for your well-being. There is a man I know in the North, he will teach you everything, He will know who you are, you don’t have to worry.”

I was nothing but nonplussed, I never saw my Father’s other side at all. I’ve always thought that he loathed my very existence and wished that I was never born. My jaw dropped in awe, for there are more paper under it. I flipped the paper, and started reading for more, it said,

“I know you’re full of hate and anguish from the suffering you endured, but I have reasons for it. The moment that your mother learnt that she was carrying a life within her, I asked her to leave this barren land, however, she refused. She told me that there will be no better father than me, I was flattered. Then I promised her that you will never embark a journey of filthy affairs. But a heart wrenching event happened, she died from the poison that was meant for me. She died but I wasn't there, it's because I was a coward. You were still a little boy, but you started to harbour wrath in eyes. You promised me that you’ll join the sullied army while you radiated with righteousness. It hurt me seeing you cladded with armours with a sword on your side, you never listened to me that you’re never a part of the creed of foul men.”

I flipped again.

“You must be wondering about Velhar’s death. I know that you never hated him, for he’s been your support in all your years of misery. But he was executed not because of you, he was sentenced because he had a big part for the exchange of the forbidden element you found. He was a good man, even before facing the claymore of death, he shouted your name.”

It has been ten years, and learning that he was the man behind those actions by the gate, it didn't surprised me at all. There's one more letter left, so I flipped again.

“It’s the second day since I wrote the last letter. Today is my final day, and seeing you again will be an impossible dream. I am dated to be executed tomorrow by the Nazgaldur, at dawn…They were looking for you, it’s because you were sentenced to die on the rostrum, and it’s the main reason why I threw you out. I told them the truth, that you were never a part of it, and all the deed was all in my accord. Please, continue the kindness that your mother passed on to you and live happily with no regrets… Your Father”

As the papers were still in my hand, I sat on his highchair before the furnace and placed my arms on the armrest. As I rested there, I smelt his scent from the fur of the stile, it made my memories packed in. That one time, when my stepfather played with me in my room, while my mother sat by the bed. He told me stories before my slumbers, and carved toys for me to play with. He was indeed a good father before the horrors crept in. But a phrase from Velhar stayed within me, encrypted in my mind since then, he said, “Harbouring disdain and hate is a work of men, yet forgiveness and tolerance is a work of a man…Do not let the world rule your mercy, for kindness spreads if one harnesses it truely.” The dogma he shared will never disappear, it doesn’t matter whether he was a vigilant, or a retainer. All I cared about, is that he was the warmest person I knew. Kindness is able to derail false laws, kindness has no bounds, and that, kindness is the real crown.