Vices and Visions

It was late spring, the perfect time to go skinny dipping in the lake. You took a deep breath and released it as a sigh, holding high above your arms to touch the soft breeze. You tried to ignore the sound of what seemed to be a huge cargo van in the distance. Owls were uttering hoots to preach their greetings to mother nature, ducks were plucking each other's feathers, a sign that mating season was getting closer, the earth was fertile and you could feel that because you were standing barefoot on the grass, soft and strong with a vibrant green that sent chills through your body.

Many years ago, you had left your busy city life to spend your days in a cottage near the valley. Your health has been increasingly improved, how could it not if you walked miles daily, swam by the lake every so often, and ate the freshly harvested vegetables you had next to your little home? It was true that you constantly felt fatigued, but in a great way. No more anxiety or depression, the only thing left for you at the end of the day was a cozy rest while lying on bed with a book of astronomy—a passion you recently discovered after staring at the night sky long enough for you to see how vastly immense it is. Without all the pollution you could almost spot the next galaxy, calling you to explore it all by yourself.

The sun had not been up for too long, which meant that you still had time to stroll around before Jacey woke up and called you to go foraging, it was one of the many activities that had brought you two closer. The long walks sometimes were filled with jokes and nudges, others were full of a comfortable silence that could numb the mind with a soothing caress, like the smell of blooming flowers grazing your nose. It did not matter the type of hike that would come, but the person you were with, Jacey and the beauty of how inhumanly precious—

“Jacey…” A muffled voice whispered in your ear causing you to look around while embracing yourself in a protective position. That sight of you might have been considered amusing, identical to a mouse hiding amongst the grass in those dazzling surroundings. 

This would not be the first time—nor the last time—you heard things that were not there. In fact, sometimes you even felt physical or emotional discomfort which could not be expressed with mundane words, but how could any suffering make sense if your life was all you had ever wanted?

When your heartbeat stabilized after that sudden shock, the sun appeared to be higher up in the sky, as if it had teleported from dawn to the beginning of the afternoon. Your eyes flickered and they did not focus, you never needed glasses; however, for some reason, this time the trees were blurred and the light did not seem to be bright enough.

“Hey, you alright?” Now you could hear a clearer voice as though the previous disorientation had summoned some clarity.

You narrowed your eyes trying to concentrate on the figure approaching. It was Jacey, waving slowly with furrowed eyebrows.

“Well, hello there.” A smug smile formed on your lips.

“There’s that silly expression of yours.” You two chuckled at this remark.

“It’s already too late to go foraging, don’t you think?” 

Jacey extended a hand aligning the pinky with the horizon, causing the sun to be lined up with the middle finger. It was a technique used to calculate the sunset time, the current position was an indicator that in forty five minutes night will invade the sky. “Yup, it’s almost dusk.”

“Almost dusk?” Was all that could come out from your mouth while your head spun around, and heartburn attacked your guts. There they were, those undesirable aches once again.

Jacey took a step back to inspect your behavior. “Again with the delirium?” Was the answer you got, followed by a scoff of amusement.

“It’s just that”—you made a long pause—“it was sunrise some seconds ago.”

“Don’t worry, bud. Let’s go with the other’s to the lake and have some fun like we had agreed.” The person was now standing next to you, wrapping a comforting arm around your shoulder to try and make you advance towards the lake.

“When did we all agree to go to the lake?” Your legs stiffened forcing you to stay in place.

“This morning, remember? ‘Late spring, the perfect time to go skinny dipping’”. Jacey smiled at you hopelessly.

“I never said that.”

“Yes you did.”

You pressed your lips together trying to figure out your own thoughts, then a drop of water traveled from the sky to your cheek, making your hand brush it off. With your eyes closed you leaned your head slowly backwards, feeling the rain dripping through the tip of your fingers like a river overflowing your body with weights heavy enough to crush your bones and maul your skin. A dense sigh left your chest, dissipating the water, you were never wet.

The consuming fire in your stomach started to wear off at the same time that you heard someone calling your name, tapping gently on your shoulder, forcing you out of the trance. It assimilated a rustling sound such as wind, brushing the branches and making the leaves dance.

“Hello, hello? Hey!” She snapped her finger gracefully in front of your face sending goosebumps through your body.

“Lana?” Your eyes fluttered, trying to brush off the bewilderment.

“I was telling you about how much I hate the city and that I’m happy for you escaping that horrible place.” Her current voice was harsh compared to her usual tone, yet the dreamy tint to it 

“Yes, of course. I’m also thankful for being here”—you scanned the surroundings—“at the lake, of course, at night, of course.”

“You’re weird, I like you”—she answered between giggles.—“Guess that’s why you're my best friend.” Her elbow pocked yours playfully, interlocking eyes with you. There you scrutinized her features, taken aback by how hazy the outline of her visage appeared, her gaze being almost blank.

She pushed herself up with one hand, given that the other was holding a beer. You watched as she walked away towards a group of people who were swimming, splashing one another and making a contest of who could spatter more water when diving into it. You infatuated your lungs with the night mist in the air, crickets were chirping similar to birds of the night announcing the beginning of steadiness. Seeing your friends joking around made you ignore the fact that just moments ago you were in the middle of the valley with Jacey.

Regardless of the tranquility of the sky that held no cloud in it, with a full moon showing off its elegance, the whole mysterious ambience was being interrupted by the music played near a bonfire, with people gathered around. They were singing a melody that could not be named, yet it felt so familiar, resembling a mother's embrace. 

Amongst the crowd you noted a hand stretching in your direction, calling for your presence. As you approached, you identified Jacey who was now holding out a drink for you to take it, your fingers brushing slightly. A grin was visible on everyone because the whole group was finally together. 

Stay… Stay… Stay… Stay… 

The callings were back, like wasps to your ear trying to sting your mind and somehow they managed to get in. 

“I wish we could stay here forever.” Lana's soft voice tickled your ear. 

“Yes, the night is young and mystical, the lake reflects the stars perfectly, almost being an astronomical map.”

“That's not what she meant, and you know it.” Jacey interfered in the conversation. 

“Don't be too harsh, Jacey, let it sink in.” The girl answered impatiently, making you chuckle on how delicate yet firm she was with her words, just like your older sister.

“What are you guys going on about?” You stared at them with affection at what seemed to be friendly banter.

“You really have to get back to work so–” Jacey was cut off by Lana's hand falling on his shoulder. 

“Focus, what do you see?” She stared deeply into your eyes. 

You huffed slightly irritated by the nonsense of the conversation “What do you even mean by that? Of course I see you, I see the moonlit night, the willow trees falling towards the lake.”

She shook her head with disapproval on her face “What do you actually see?”–she made a strong emphasis on the last two words–”Focus your vision, evaluate the background, the outline of things, pay attention.” Lana kept going almost desperately. 

“That's enough”–Jacey exclaimed. When you managed to focus, your eyes were making out the frame of an illustration, it was an image of people in the same exact position that you and your friends were standing in, that sight overlapped your whole surroundings.–“You have to go back to work and stop playing the whole perfect-valley-life movie in your head. We can't stay here forever because you have to stop daydreaming and live a real life.” Jacey’s voice raised with each word that was being blurted out, and teary eyes were now forming along with a grimace. That anger felt like your own, not in an empathetic manner, rather in a consuming way where you both are the same person. 

You kept forcing your gaze into discerning what was in reality ahead of yourself. 

“You have to take things step by step. You want to do everything and end up doing nothing more than just daydream about the perfect summer. Maybe it's time for you to take some vacations, go to the beach or to the valley as you always fantasize about, maybe make some friends and discover yourself outside of that box of yours which you fill every time with nothing else than wishes and sluggishness, or maybe just stop hating summer in the city and embrace what you already have.” The cries were muffled, it was no one speaking.

Your friends’ chants, Jacey's and Lana's voice were now just playing at the back of your mind, just like a soundtrack of lost melodies. All the beautiful surroundings had been replaced by a room with white walls, white blankets, white desks, white everything. There was a single thing that you were golding and it was not a beer, it was the previous frame with a picture of youths hanging around by a lake, next to a bonfire, at night. You had inserted yourself there, in that same image.

It was you the whole time, talking to yourself in that empty apartment, staring at a photograph of what you would call sovereignty, not realizing that you have given yourself into a vicious free fall of discontent.

Finally, you detach your longing gaze from the picture, letting your dissatisfaction sink in to realize that what you have been craving the most is expression, to show yourself as you are, taking a moment to appreciate the world of possibilities that encompasses you. 

“I hate summer in the city.” You muttered under your breath as a final dictation to foreshadow the life to come. For the first time sensing the emptiness as a canvas, not as a burden.