Not the best deal of my life

I had bought the lottery ticket with high hopes and low expectations. It had the potential to solve all my problems, or waste a dollar.

I couldn’t believe it when they called my numbers! I had one ticket and I got all the numbers! I was so excited I jumped up from my easy chair, spilling popcorn and Pepsi all over the rug.

“No problem“, I thought “I can buy a new rug and a life time of Pepsi and popcorn!”

I ran to grab my keys, leaving the stain to soak in. I had to get to the lottery place as soon as possible.

“Dang. Where did I put those things? When I get my lotto money I‘m going to get one of those clapper things for my keys. Then I can just clap my hands and my keys will beep until I can find them.”

I finally found them, hidden in the pocket of the last jeans I wore, which were on top of a pile of laundry. I noticed the jeans were rather well worn; something else I could buy with the winnings. Heck I could even get a new washer and dryer. A washer that didn’t flood the floor when in use, and a dryer that actually dried.

I excitedly ran for the door, flung it opened and listened to the window glass break out as it slammed into the wall.

“I’ll fix that later” I thought as I headed for the car. “Heck I can even pay someone else to fix that!” I smiled as I opened the car door. The hinge creaked loudly and I slid into the well worn seats. I stuck the key in the ignition and gave it a twist.

Nothing.

I jiggled the steering wheel a few times to no avail. A good sharp rap on the steering column was in order. After a few well chosen cuss words along with another twist of the keys, the engine reluctantly ground to life.

A new car would definitely be on the list. A nice shiny new Camaro or, heck I could even get a Ferrari. Yeah! A convertible Ferrari. That would do quite nicely. Maybe a different car for every day of the week, That would be cool. I’d have to build a big garage then. Heck I could just get a whole new house with a giant garage… and a pool!

Thinking of all the other things I could buy, I peeled out onto the street. Over the roar of my broken muffler, I thought I heard screeching tires and a loud bang. I glanced in the rear view mirror, but all I could see was the cloud of white smoke from my car. I figured something else must have broken on my car, but it seemed to be moving just fine, so I headed off to the store where I bought my ticket.

I whipped into the parking lot of the Get-n-Go, narrowly missing an old lady with a bag full of groceries. My brakes failed at the last second and my car jumped the curb, knocking over a display of antifreeze. As I got out of the car, I could see a fellow was helping the little old lady put her groceries back into the bag. I waved and offered an apology.

I never knew old ladies knew those kinds of words, or could string them all together in one sentence.

My ears were burning when I tried to straighten up the antifreeze, but it refused to co-operate. A store employee came out and told me he would fix it. So I let him.

I entered the store only to find that the computers had just gone down. At first they told me they couldn’t verify my ticket. Then someone said “That’s a super lotto ticket! You have to take that to the lottery office.”

After getting the address of the lottery office, which was clear across town, I headed back to my car. The engine started right up this time. This was definitely my lucky day. I noticed the gas gauge was near empty. I had a few bucks on me so I started to pull in front of one of the gas pumps.

The clerk that had been straightening the antifreeze was placing an out of order sign on the gas pump. I noticed that all of the other pumps had the same sign. “How odd” I thought. But I knew I had enough to make it across town and still get back.

I pulled out onto the road in another massive cloud of gray smoke.

Well, to make a long story short, or at least, not quite so long. I finally got my winnings. Uncle Sam took about half and I had to give quite a bit more to a tax attorney to figure that out.

Then I got sued for the crash that I caused when I pulled out of my driveway.

The man that helped the little old lady at the Get-n-Go threw his back out lifting a heavy can of cat food. The little old lady, that must have once been a sailor, gave him my license number. He tracked me down. It’s amazing how much a can of cat food can cost when you have to got to a hospital because of it.

As it turns out, the reason the Get-n-Go’s computers were down had something to do with a few drops of antifreeze that managed to splash into their electrical system. Since the computers weren’t working, the gas pumps could no longer be used.

After that lawsuit I had to buy them new computers, pay their employees for work lost and they even made me pay for the estimated loss of income from the unusable pumps.

Now I’m sitting back in my ratty old easy chair, looking at the Pepsi stain in the carpet and counting what’s left of my winnings. The change fits in one fist. At least I still have the house and that old car. I really need to get around to fixing that door window though.