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Ancient Discovery of a Hebrew Scroll Advice Columnist!
Translated into English
“Life & Times” Scroll – Gabriel’s Advice Column
aka “Dear Gabby”
Canaan Chronicle – c.1947 BC –
Dear Gabby,
Some time ago the Lord told me that my wife, Sarai, would be with child and I would become the “father of many”. What a shocker! Sarai split her sides laughing, because we were both well beyond child-bearing years and the chances of our having a child were slim to none. We wondered if it were possible
for a childless couple in their 60’s and 70’s to become parents.
We decided it must be a mistake. But then, if God said it, we thought maybe we should wait and see. After several years passed, nothing happened. Then, Sarai maybe she was impotent. She had an idea about how we could help things along by using her maid, Hagar, as a surrogate. So, I took her to my bed and in due time she gave birth to a son. We named him Ishmael. Now, I have a new problem—Hagar has become very arrogant toward Sarai. Sarai is saying it’s all my fault and I need to do something about it. I am really confused. How can I keep two women happy when they are about to drive me crazy with their constant bickering? Please send advice and hurry!
Confused in Canaan
Abram
Dear Confused,
Your situation reminds me of a situation your ancestor, Adam, faced. When he tried to be a good husband by taking his wife’s advice, he bit off more than he could chew. That act gave birth to a plethora of problems, as you may well remember. Since this was Sarai’s idea and it’s a little too late for you to remedy, maybe you should let her deal with Hagar as she sees fit and just stay clear until the whole thing blows over.
Sincerely,
Gabby
Canaan Chronicle – c.1934 BC
Dear Gabby,
You may remember me. I wrote a few years ago about the Lord telling me I would become “father of many”. Well, I’m happy to report He’s speaking to me again after 13 years of silence (probably because of my former diversion with Hagar). He changed my name to Abraham meaning “father of multitudes” and, get this—he said Sarah (she has a new name, too) would give birth to a son next year! She laughed again and said, “Really? At 90, I’m going to get pregnant and bear a child?” And at nearly 100, I’m no young stud. God assured her that nothing is too hard for Him, so I don’t think he’s kidding.
This is great news; however, he also brought some bad news. He is so fed up with the sins of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah that he says he is going to destroy them. I am quite worried about this, because my nephew, Lot, and his family have chosen to live there. He’s a good guy and I can’t understand why God would destroy the righteous along with evil-doers. I’m really at a loss as to what I should do about this. Can you please give me some insight?
Happy, but Worried,
Abraham
Dear Happy but Worried,
Congratulations on your expected arrival! Patience certainly pays off, doesn’t it? As far as Sodom and Gomorrah, I wouldn’t go near them. Lot chose his own lot, so to speak when he went there. You could warn him to get out before things turn worse and heat up. As to whether God would destroy the righteous with the unrighteous, you could put it on the Bethel prayer chain, or better yet why not ask God himself, since you seem to be on close speaking terms again.
Regards,
Gabby
Canaan Chronicle – c.1920 BC
Dear Gabby,
Here I am again, the “father of multitudes.” I am happy to report that Sarah and I have a fine son named Isaac, a name God told Sarah to give him and, get this, the name Isaac means “laughter.” Ironic, huh? He is a teenager now and a true joy. You probably know what transpired with Sodom and Gomorrah, but I did ask the Lord about it. He promised if he could find ten righteous men in the cities, he would not destroy them. Alas, there were less than ten, in fact, only my nephew, his wife and daughters escaped but his wife, upon reflection, found it all quite distasteful, not even worth a grain of salt.
Now, I am deeply bewildered about a new situation. God has asked me to do something very strange. He has asked me to offer up Isaac as a sacrifice to him! How can I possibly beget multitudes if I sacrifice the only son Sarah and I have? Please send your input quickly!
Bewildered in Canaan
Abraham
Dear Bewildered,
You certainly have a way about getting into difficult situations. Did you do something to offend God? Are you sure you heard correctly? After all, your hearing is not what it used to be. Did Sarah give you any input regarding this? Well, maybe that wouldn’t be such a good idea, considering the advice she gave you before.
Frankly, I think it would be wise to follow God’s specific orders and to trust him both now and in the future. He seems to know what he is doing even when we don’t understand and, besides, I am retiring my advice column as of today. I decided to take some of my own advice and give myself a break.
Keep the faith!
Shalom,
Gabby
Canaan Chronicle, c.1920 B.C.
Dear Gabby,
I wanted to write one last note to you, wishing you the best in your retirement and I want to share what happened with Isaac.
I did everything the LORD told me. I took Isaac to Mt. Moriah with fire and kindling to put him on the altar of sacrifice. All the while I kept reflecting on how God worked out his promise to bring Isaac into the world even when Sarah and I lacked faith. I kept saying to myself, “trust him, trust him,” and guess what? Just as I was ready to kill my son, God intervened and said I had proved my faith, so he provided a ram for the sacrifice. I cried and praised him for coming through again. Isaac will continue the line of “multitudes.”
So, Gabby, thank you for listening to my troubles and for the good advice you gave, the best of which was to look for the wisdom I need from God himself.
He will provide. I can’t wait to see what he’s going to do next!
Enjoy your retirement. You’ve earned it!
Baruch Hashem,
Abraham
© 2023 S. Fischer
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1 comment
I loved it! A biblical comedy! I liked how you weaved these biblical stories into Dear Abby letters. The writing was crisp and your tongue was impressively firm in your cheek. Well done.
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