Snowman

SNOWMAN

ED WOOTEN

     Hello, my name’s Burt, but my friends call me Burr.

You’ve seen my image on numerous Christmas cards. You know, the one’s with glistening snow in front of a cabin with smoke coming from its chimney, a celestial sphere in the night sky, and of course, me…a snowman. That’s me to the right in this nostalgic Christmas card that you can find in most Hallmark Stores. 

     Please pause now and “oohhh and aahhh” about the card’s picturesque image before I bust your nostalgic bubble. To borrow a phrase from talk radio pioneer, Paul Harvey, allow me to tell you “the rest of the story”.

     Yes, I'm a snowman, but it’s hard to really know my gender based on the way kids and adults form us from snow. You humans make all snow people the same. All of our bodies look like three various sized round balls instead of reflecting the true form of our souls. Your creative accuracy in making snow people is similar to referring to stick people drawings as fine art.

Even in this nostalgic card, my hips look more like a rotund, middle-aged woman than a snowman with well-defined muscular lines and form. Excuse me, I know that’s not politically correct and doesn’t reflect comments that fit the image of a “jolly happy soul”, but I’m getting a bit cynical in my old age. 

     Oh, well, let’s not dwell on you humans’ inability to truly form us from snow. 

     Also, I know, with all the stereotypes, most people think all snowmen are named Frosty, but that’s not true. As I said, I’m Burr.

     Frosty was my great grandfather who had an older brother named Sam. Both were television stars in 1964 and 1969. To many of you, that’s ancient history, but to others, it stirs memories from your youth. Both films are considered classics and are still viewed today. 

     Sam was depicted in the 1964 movie “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”, but Burl Ives’ voice was used instead of Sam’s. Due to constant exposure to the frigid air, producers thought Sam’s voice was too raspy, so Burl Ives got a break.   

     Great Grandpa Frosty was memorialized in a 1969 film narrated by Jimmy Durante entitled “Frosty the Snowman”. Just like his brother Sam, Frosty’s voice was not his own—some Hollywood guy named Jackie Vernon lip synced the voice of my Great Grandpa.

     For both of these films, Hollywood took some liberties. While “based on a true story” or “inspired by a true story”, some of the stuff just isn’t accurate. I know you find it hard to believe that Hollywood, much like the Internet today, may perpetuate inaccurate information as fact. You know, sort of like fake news. 

     I shouldn’t feel personally offended because there are many inaccurate depictions that exist in other Christmas classics. Not just about my relatives, but even that beloved “Twas the Night Before Christmas”. 

     In fact, let’s discuss the night before Christmas before I bust your bubble about Rudolph and his claim to fame.

     The opening line is accurate. It was the night before Christmas, but there’s a reason for “all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse”. 

     Prior to the recollections of this evening being penned, the narrator (Papa) and his wife had gotten into a heated argument. Tension was high and tempers flared, so the kids and the mice were walking on egg shells that night to avoid the ire of the elder adults of the house. 

     “What was the argument about?” you ask. Really, you have to ask? If you’re married and have ever tried to make everyone happy on Christmas Eve, or put together the plethora of parts in an “easy to assemble” toy, you can quickly come up with at least a dozen reasons for an argument.

     Though not truly established as fact, a rumor emerged that Papa had begun consuming the egg nog with some friends. You know, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and IW Harper.

     Now for the next line. “The stockings were hung by the chimney with care”. Yes and no. They were hung there, but not just because Old Saint Nick might soon be there. The true verse should have read, “Stockings were hung by the chimney to be dried because the damned Maytag drier had died”.

     “The children were all snuggled in their beds…”. Ugh, gag me with a spoon. They were hiding under the covers of their beds to escape their parents who had been arguing earlier. The little darlings were snuggled in their beds to avoid pissing off one of the parents who could withhold the gifts hidden somewhere in the house. They were young, but not stupid.

     In the line “Mama in her handkerchief and I in my cap,” some actions were attributed to other characters to protect the innocent, or maybe the guilty. That’s what happened in this line. Remember, Mama was still angry with Papa, but Papa was attempting a tryst with the housemaid. A more accurate depiction should have been “The hot mama was using her handkerchief as a veil for herself and for me as a cap to dramatize the dance she performed on my lap”.

     As for “When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter…”. Yep, you guessed it. It was Mama. Papa didn’t realize his and the maid’s shadow were silhouetted on the curtains. The clatter was Mama telling Papa she was filing for divorce when her lawyer came back after the holidays and his excuses wouldn’t matter.

     As writers, I’m sure you understand, but a line was omitted during an edit. The original transcript read, “Papa already had Mama a present she did not see, but he definitely couldn’t afford the expense of the Big D”.

     In a drunken stupor, Papa rushed outside to the new fallen snow in an attempt to calm Mama.

     To the casual reader, “The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow...” refers to the harvest moon that rotates around the Earth. Not so. Moon, in this context, is slang used to describe a body part. To punctuate her anger, Mama turned away from Papa, raised her nightgown, pointed to her derriere, and said, “Kiss it.” 

     The rest of the story gets a bit fuzzy and suspect especially when you realize it was written by Papa whose brain cells were dulled by alcohol consumption and the fear of Mama leaving. Hallucinations or mirages? I don’t know. One can only surmise.

     But, before I move on, let’s cover one more inaccuracy on this story and Great Uncle Sam’s revelation in “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”.

     Note in the night before Christmas, Papa only identified eight tiny reindeer. Where the heck was Rudolph, the most famous reindeer of all? I submit he was there, but not documented in Papa’s recollection of the evening.

     Now for the final inaccuracy in these classics. The chronicle on Rudolph leads one to believe he was the only red-nosed reindeer. Nope, not true. Dancer also had a red-nose, but flew in the second row of deer pulling the sleigh. Due to her stopping a split second slower than Comet, who was immediately in front of her, Dancer always appeared to have a brown nose. With a little thought, you’ll figure out why.

     By the way, the final myth concerns the Christmas card I mentioned at the start. The nostalgic scene on the photo is not from “The Saturday Evening Post” or some Hallmark archives. It was taken from the moon. Yes, the magnificent sphere in the sky is Earth as seen from the moon. You think only you Earthlings have Christmas?

     Now enjoy the Christmas Season. Best wishes from me and your alien neighbors…and to all, a goodnight.