Sometimes we do things to help ourselves but instead those choices change our lives forever

Although it's been nearly a decade since I appeared on the Dr.Phil show titled, "My sister wrote a book of lies" being on the show still haunts me. My life has been completely torn a part and I am not blaming anyone but myself and how I handled coming to terms with my past abuse. I had never blamed my father since he was mentally ill and an alcoholic. I always excused his inappropriate behaviors towards me hoping it was because he was under the influence of alcohol or who knows what else. The women loved him, they would always say he was so nice looking but he was more interested in my friends growing up. He was tall, dark and handsome and could've been a model but instead took a career in arctic designing plants for PG&E as a 30 year career. Before and after my fathers work day, he would pan handle his way to and from work. He would proudly say, 'If people are dumb enough to give me their money, I'm smart enough to take it!" I would remember those words when I inherited his savings. My father only spent money to pay for his one bedroom condo on California Ave in San Francisco. Over the decades he never replaced his clothing or shoes, I guess he made more money panhandling having tourists see his taped shoes and torn clothing.

My father would crank call me up until in the 90's when we had caller ID. He couldn't understand how I happened to know it was him breathing heavily on the phone. By then I had two children from two different fathers and was on welfare. My mother and I were estranged since I moved out of her home at the age of 14 after my step father came home early from work one day catching me on top of my mother slamming her head on to the floor while restraining her. No one ever asked why I would do such a thing. Life was a struggle as a young adult making one poor choice after another until one day I decided to look in to getting my real estate license which changed my life for the better. I became a top producing real estate broker and sold over 200 properties with in a ten year period. I had also made the choice to stop speaking to both my mother and father, life was good until....

It was 2006 when I married the man of my dreams. What made his special was his kindness and how close he was to his family which was a different world than I was from that I welcomed with open arms. We had a huge Catholic wedding and my soon to be husband insisted I invited both my mother and father which made me a nervous wreck when my photographer surprised me bringing my father in to the brides room leaving us alone. I couldn't speak and just stood there as my own father fondled my breasts. The photographer walked in excited to get a photo of this moment and her face immediately turned to horror as she grabbed me out of my trace and walked me to the church apologizing.

Several years later, I decided to write a book which I called, Chocolate Flowers. I wrote it with my heart hoping to educate people on people like me and the relationship with my family after seeing a completely different family that I had married in to and realizing what normal was like for an average family. It took me nearly a year to write and several thousands of dollars to pay a self employed publisher. I was so completely proud that I wrote a letter to Dr.Phil explaining my healing journey and the way I was able to put a horrific past behind me in hopes to help other people with a book I wrote with the intentions of donating it to younger women in juvenile hall or prisons dealing with anger issues from a life they had no choice coming from because I all too much understood the journey.

To my surprise, a producer called me immediately and asked me to send him a few copies of the book I wrote. He also interviewed me multiple times. I felt on top of the world knowing my story meant something and that I was not only healed but was about the make the world understand too. I began getting a big ego and bragging online about my soon to be celebrity status as the dates to be on the Dr.Phil show came closer and closer. I also bought hair extensions, botox and new clothes to match my new life. I became a better tipper and walked straight as if I were someone more special than people knew, yet. I imagined my life on the big screen being a movie! My world was about to change but unfortunately not for the better.

As the show date became closer, the interviews with the producers became more and more as two different producers would call me one before the other telling me things to say and to deny. They said they wanted to help me and to think of my children being teased at school. Did I really want the kids at their schools teasing them about my past sexual abuse. One producer called and said, "We are going to call you one last time. We want to protect your children and your real estate career so we are going to ask you if something really happened and if you say no, we will know that that is something we are not to mention on the show'. This started to sound good to me thinking more of my life and not wanting to disrupt my children's life especially if this all became a movie! The producers also wanted to get my much younger brother on the show who happened to have a different father and was protected from ever knowing the sexual abuse I dealt with from my father.

I agreed and then made plans to fly and stay in LA to film the Dr.Phip show. During the filming, I did not lie at all and did not deny anything that actually happened to me growing up from my mother and father.

The filming took over 4 hours. I was able to speak but then my microphone would suddenly turn off. I would watch many pauses as Dr.Phil who was now sitting right next to me would stop to listed to what the producers were telling him to say in a clear ear piece in his ear. Those moments happened often but were deleted from the show. I was completely blindsided when Dr.Phil would accuse me of making up a story and not being truthful when in the back ground there was my recordings of early interviews saying things that happened then the ones the producers talked me in to saying that those things didn't happen. I froze and could not function, I disassociated as I did as a child staring at the clock on my fathers bookcase headboard. Dr.Phil during a commercial break even learned over and said, My show is like your book, it's all about sensationalism. I had no idea what that even meant.

Immediately after the show aired, I was rushed into a van by the Dr.Phil staff and dropped off at the LA airport. After landing in San Francisco and locating my car, I drove to the Bay bridge and pulled over, got out of my car and prepared to jump in to the ocean of the city I was born in. I am giving myself up I thought. I thought that my life was over. I knew I did not want to ever be seen again and that I was about to be humiliated once the show aired. I leaned over the railing and looked down noticing a net and realized that if I were to jump that I would just look even more pathetic in a net having to be rescued.

I allowed myself to accept the show as it aired and accepted the friends who began unfriending me and blocking me through out that day. Unfortunately because I used my real name, Jori on the show, I began getting hundreds of messages from people looking me up telling me things like I was crazy, clinically insane or even those who suggested I kill myself. My real estate career ended immediately as no one wanted to associate with me being an insane liar who would intentionally hurt my family. I lost my career, most of my friends, my credit was shot after years of charging and not selling homes to make even the minimum payments and I gained over 100lbs from not even wanting to leave my own home and got divorced.

It's been nearly a decade and I am just now beginning to tell my story.... I did not lie. I want to live, I want to lose weight and write another book... a different type of book, a book about mental health and how public shaming can effect a persons emotional wellbeing. I want to speak up for victims of sexual abuse to not be ashamed and to move on to a better, brighter future. When life feels hopeless and when you/I hit the bottom, it's true things change but its up to us to make the most of our lives journeys. I have new friends and new adventures waiting for me. My life is just beginning once more as life is nothing less than an adventure and we are nothing more than the actors in our own adventures. I/We got this!