The ICU

“I need to go home.”

“We can’t let you go, Meredith. We’ve already talked about this. Your case manager is finding a hospital with an open spot for you. Try to get comfortable in the meantime.”

“Comfortable… Comfortable?! How am I supposed to get comfortable when I’m being held against my will, knowing that my life is falling apart in the meantime? I’m alive. I’m healthy. Let me go, goddammit!”

“Meredith, what are you doing? There isn’t anything in those cabinets.”

“Where are my things? I’m grabbing them and I’m leaving.”

“They’re not in there.”

“Then where are they?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t working when they brought you up from the ER.”

“Well, can you find them? I’m leaving tonight.”

“Let me find a nurse. I’ll be at my station if you need anything, but I don’t think they’ll just let you go.”

“Meredith? I’m Dr. June. Can you sit down so we can talk?”

“No, I’m not sitting down. I’m finding my belongings and I’m leaving. Where are they?”

“If you leave, your insurance won’t cover the -”

“I don’t care. How much is the bill?”

“Well, considering you’re in the ICU, it’s probably close to $100,000.”

“I… I don’t care. Where are my things?”

“Look, can you wait until the morning? It’s 4 am. The case manager, Kylie, might decide you don’t need to go to an inpatient facility. I don’t know.”

“Nobody around here seems to know anything! Will I at least be able to talk to Kylie before she makes a decision? She needs to know how I feel about going to a psychiatric hospital with everything going on.”

“Yes, you’ll be able to talk to her on the phone before she makes her decision.” 

“And when will that be?”

“I can’t tell you that, I don’t know.”

“Again, you don’t know. What the hell.”

“Hi, Meredith.”

“Are you Kylie?”

“Yes, I am. I came in because I was told you’re having a difficult time?”

“Of course I’m having a difficult time. I’m being held in a hospital against my will, and I’m being told I could be put in inpatient care. I can’t do that.”

“And why is that?”

“I need to work. I have a job lined up that could rescind their offer because I went to the hospital.”

“That’s not really legal.”

“But it still happens. They don’t have to give a reason for firing someone.”

“That’s true, but you can always find another job if that happens. It’s not the end of the world, and this is your health we’re talking about right now. You need to go to a psychiatric hospital.”

“No, I don’t! I can’t! I need to get back to my life.”

“It’s the best way to get you stabilized mentally and physically.”

“How are you going to tell me what’s best for me?”

“Are you forgetting why you’re here? We’re doing what’s best for you because you ended up in the ER after a suicide attempt.”

“It was a mistake. An impulsive decision that I regret. I’m not stupid enough to do it again and wind up here again.”

“But we can’t guarantee that. I’m still waiting for an opening at a hospital. When there’s a bed available, we’ll be putting you there.”

“For how long?! I can’t do this, I really can’t. I’m sorry, but it’s going to make my life so much harder being trapped in a hospital. I need to go back to the real world and work so I can pay my bills. My rent and utilities are due the first week of January. That’s two weeks away. Right now, I still have the chance to make that money, so I’m not screwed!”

“There are relief funds for rent and utilities. We’ll give you the numbers to call when you get out. They’ll help you with your bills. Don’t worry.”

“But I can make my own money! I don’t feel right taking money from charities when there are people out there who really need the money.”

“You’re one of those people, Meredith. I’m sorry. We can’t let you go.”

“The nurse last night said I could leave, that my insurance just wouldn’t pay my bills. I want to leave.”

“I don’t know why she told you that, Meredith. If you leave, the authorities will find you and take you to the hospital. That’s how it works.”

“Hey, Meredith. How are you doing tonight?”

“Not well.”

“And why is that?”

“Do you see what’s happening? I have no control over my life. I’m being thrown into the mental hospital, and being involuntary, I can’t just sign paperwork to terminate treatment. I have no control.”

“Well, I’m sure this will help you. Harry here and I are here to take you down to the ambulance.”

“Okay.”

“Isn’t it quiet? That’s why Harry drives and I sit in the back. He can’t stand the silence. But I don’t mind it.”

“It’s nice, I guess.”

“It gives you a nice place to think. I was in the military, and let me tell you, Meredith, I never got a place to think about things. I was constantly barraged by sound. It was horrible. But the silence, it listens to you. It gives you its ears and lets you speak about what you’ve done.”

“Oh.”

“Why are you here? Everyone has a story.”

“...I’m here because I tried to kill myself. I overdosed on all the medications and supplements I had at home. Around 200 pills - melatonin, vitamin B, folic acid, Zoloft, Seraquil. They put me in the ICU, and now I’m on my way to a psychiatric hospital.”

“Do you want to go?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I have no control over my life right now. And since I failed, at the attempt, I mean, I have to go back to my life. And it’ll be harder coming back if I’ve been gone for so long.”

“But what if you go home and nothing changes? What if you try to overdose again.”

“I won’t. It’s not fair to the people around me. I don’t want to hurt them.”

“But there’s no guarantee. You’ve probably already hurt people. Maybe the hospital will help you.”

“How? I’ve already been twice.”

“And nothing has changed the first two times, or else you wouldn’t have ended up in the ICU. Try to take this time and really grow.”