The Universe, Aphasia.

Some idiot is in front of me with a sheet of paper that says . . . .Universal Aphasia.  I’ve never heard of that.  Hell, I didn’t even know Universes had names.  I knew planets had names and in the Marvel Universe and for Ph D. students there are parallel universes, “buy does that mean I’m in a different Universe called Aphasia.  Did Scotty, “Beam me, Up”.  Maybe I’m dreaming or lucid dreaming or something.  So, I ask this idiot to take me to his (her?) leader.  They just shrug their shoulders, shake their head and point to the words, Universal Aphasia.  Maybe they don’t speak English.  Maybe they’re from Venezuela.  They don’t look like they’re from Venezuela, but I talk to him/her in the little bit of Spanish I know.  “Hola.  Como estas?”  They keep shaking their head and pointing to the words.  So, I’m not on Earth, I’m in the Universe called Aphasia.  This must be an alien.  So, I turn the paper around and draw an alien spaceship with a martian. Can’t make him/her green, because I just have an ink pen.  Then, I point to him/her and then to myself.  Is one of us an alien?  They look puzzled and say stuff, in a calm voice in an alien language.  Doesn’t make sense.  Doesn’t sound like Spanish, but can’t place it.  Maybe it’s Glossolalia?  Only one crazy church has Glossolalia.  Unless I’m in that crazy church?  So, I speak slow, project, enunciate, you get the picture and ask, “Where am I?”  Again, this clown points to Universal Aphasia.  I ask if we’re still in the Milky Way.  He points to the paper.  Earth?  Have you heard of planet Earth? 

Then, he leaves for a few minutes.  Maybe aliens have to go to the WC, too.  But, he comes back with a comic.  They have comics in outer space, in the Universe, Aphasia?  There’s a basic stick figure talking to another stick figure and the one stick figure has a question mark above his head.  Then, the other comic talks and the first comic has a question mark above  his head.  Then the alien points to him/herself and then to me then he says something in their foreign language.  I look at him/her confused. I get back the first piece of paper and draw a Sun, Mercury, Venus, and Earth.  I wave my hands around and point to Earth.  Maybe if he/she sees it, they’ll know I’m trying to get to planet Earth in the Milky Way.  Then, I point back to the words, Universal Aphasia.  He shakes his head and I think he understands I want to go back to Planet Earth.  He puts a colon (the symbol, not the organ) next to the words Universal Aphasia and he writes the word “noun”.  They have grammar in the Universe Aphasia.  After “noun,” he/she writes:  “a disability in which a person cannot speak in a way others understand and cannot understand what others are saying.”  I laugh.  This must be a disorder people have in the Universe, Aphasia.  I write down, “Where am I?” but it doesn’t look like “Where am I?” It looks like . . .maybe I’m drunk or dreaming or something.  So, I mime filling a cup with beer and me drinking it and shrug my shoulders.  He/she shakes his/her head no and sighs, just like people do in the Milky Way.  

I again put my arms out like I’m flying and point to the circle.  I point to Universal Aphasia and he/she starts yelling.  They’re yelling in their foreign language.  Then, they take a few breaths and sit down again.  He points to my mouth and makes the symbol with his hand of talking and he points to his ears and shrugs his shoulders.  Hethen points to his mouth and makes the symbol for talking and points to my ears and shrugs.    He sighs again and writes notes on something that looks like a prescription pad.  He/she also takes out a manilla envelope.  Then, he tries to get me up and take me somewhere, but I don’t know where.  So, I shake my head, no.  This idiot thinks I need the bathroom, but I don’t.  I’m good.  I just want to go back to the Milky Way.  I’d love to be back on Earth.   Like North America would be nice.  Gotta get out of this Universe and if I got here, I can get out of here.  Then, he/she points out a window.  They have windows in parallel Universes?  And, my wife is in my car with my two kids in the back.  Damn it!  They must have been beamed up along with me to Aphasia.  They come upstairs, my wife gives this alien our credit card and runs it through a machine, then, we leave, but she doesn’t make sense either and neither do my kids.  Aphasia is a strange parallel  Universe and I don’t like it.  I want to go back home.  But, we drive for thirty minutes and we go to a place that looks just like my home and I go in and turn on the TV and they all are speaking this alien language, Aphasia.  Maybe I left in on Telemundo?  But, I turn on the radio, and it’s talking in the same language.  Earth.  I need to get back to Earth, before.  Then, I remember, I have a cell phone so I say, “Hey, Sierra.” but Sierri doesn’t respond.  Then, I try talking to Alexa and nothing happens.  I check and it’s plugged in and the phone is charged.  Then, it must be me.  If only I had the fish from “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe”.  But, if this is Earth, then why can’t I understand?  I think about the comic from the alien with the question marks and I think I understand.  Aphasia isn’t a parallel Universe, it’s a medical speech/hearing disorder.  I’m on Planet Earth.  The Universe is fine and I’m fucked up beyond recognition.  Shit!