Tap Twice for Paradise

Anson “Ace” Allison smiles as he turns over his cards. “Two queens, and a pair of tens.”

Monty Moneymaker, Dimples Davidson, and Sid ‘the Shark’ Silverstein let out a trio of groans.

“That’s three hands in a row,” the Shark whines in a nasal tone. “Even Wild Bill Hickok wasn’t that lucky.”

“Actually, Wild Bill was very unlucky,” Ace points out.

Davidson smiles, his dimples enhancing his playful nature. “I don’t know how you’re doing it Ace, but I know your cheating.”

“Me? Don’t complain about my little streak. I know you count cards, Dimples, Monty marks the deck, and the Shark always has half a pack of cards stuffed up his sleeve.”

Monty adjusts his pants, tugging at his large metal belt buckle labeled with his nickname. Looking at his diamond-encrusted watch, he says, “No wonder I’m starting to fade. It’s one in the morning. How about some more coffee?”

“Let the big winner make it,” the Shark says, shuffling the cards.

“Pretty obvious way to get me out of the game for a hand, Shark.”

The Shark gives him the raspberry. Looking around Dimples’ sparsely decorated bachelor apartment, the Shark notices a painting of a group of dogs playing poker.

He lets out a disgruntled sigh. “Oh, boy.”

“What’s the matter, Shark?” Ace asks.

“Everywhere I look I’m reminded of it.”

“What?” Dimples asks innocently.

“The elephant in the room.”

Dimples looks at the empty bottles of liquor, beer cans, and half-eaten takeout.

“We’ve produced a lot of trash in the past eight hours, but if you’re seeing elephants, maybe we need to upgrade the quality of our booze.”

“It’s a figure of speech, you knucklehead,” Monty counters. “But Shark’s right. We all owe Mo Eisen beaucoup bucks, and with the vig he’s chargin’ we’ll be payin’ him the rest of our lives.”

“Which will be short if we don’t come up with some of the money,” Ace adds. “Taking it off of each other only makes the problem worse. So, what do you propose we do?”

“I got a cousin who knows a good plastic surgeon...,” Monty begins.

The Shark is taken aback, his nasal honk sounding more congested.

“Wha? I like my face, and so does my old lady.”

“Who’s your girlfriend, Helen Keller?” Ace jokes.

The front door bursts open, knocked off its hinges by one of Mo Eisen’s monolithic henchmen.

The most powerful mob boss in New Jersey stands only 5’ 3” but has the murderous personality of Al Capone with a toothache.

“So, youse !!#**!’s got time ta play games, but you ain’t got the sense to even pay a dime’a what ya owe me! Ya know what happens ta deadbeats? They get dead!”

Eisen and his men pull out revolvers, firing them at the card players. Dimples manages to dive under the table, turning it over, but Eisen fires three bullets through the wood, killing him. Slow to react, the Shark and Monty are perforated where they sit.

A bullet deflects off Monty’s belt buckle, hitting the coffee pot in Ace’s hand. It shatters, splashing him with coffee.

Bug-eyed with terror, Ace scampers to the nearby window. Sliding it open, he squeezes through it, landing in the soft grass in the backyard. Hoping the heavy rain from the thunderstorm will cover his tracks, Ace stumbles off.

The acrid smell of smoke and blood hangs in the air as Eisen circles the table. The ballistic boss lifts each of the victim’s heads, mumbling angrily, “Where’s dat snake, Allison?”

His potent stare focuses on the broken glass on the kitchen floor. Following the trail of wet, coffee-stained footsteps to the kitchen window, Eisen lets out a savage, vengeful scream.

“GIT DAT CHISLIN’ @#$$&!”

Eisen’s two henchmen bump into each other in their haste to get to their car.

Sucking for air, Ace grimaces as a sharp pain in his side tears at him. A bolt of lightning lights up the sky. The rain intensifies, soaking his clothes. Pressing his hand against his side, he sees a red stain spreading across his white shirt and realizes a stray bullet found its mark.

Feeling dizzy, he continues staggering forward, his legs nearly giving out.

Weaving up a rutty dirt road, Ace sees the reflection of the moon coming off Lake Terado. Figuring he’ll be safe if he can get across the small steel bridge that spans the lake, he zigzags toward it.

The sound of a speeding car splashing through the furrowed road behind him sends Ace scurrying into the bushes under the bridge.

He holds his breath as a Lincoln town car glides over the bridge, knowing Eisen and his men will be back.

Lying back in the tall weeds he glances at the red stain on his shirt, whispering, “…Rest…Just a few minutes of rest…,” before passing out.

A rustle in the nearby bushes brings Ace around.

He sees the shadow of a figure against the moonlight.

“That you, Mo? I swear I’ll pay you back. Every cent. I just…”

A clap of thunder illuminates the sky. A green-skinned amphibian with four arms and eyes that wrap all the way around his square head moves closer.

“What the hell are you?”

“I’m your driver, Irving.”

Irving moves closer, reaching out for Ace.

“Come with me…”

Ace yawns, sitting up. He reaches for the bullet wound in his side. It’s healed, and the blood stain on his shirt is gone. A man with a pointed shock of red hair dressed in a silver jumpsuit is sitting across from him. Next to him is a brunette with big hair wearing white go-go boots, hot pants, and a bare midriff top.

“Is this some sort of costume party? And are we in a stagecoach? “Ace asks.

“No to the costume inquiry, and yes to the stagecoach question,” the man answers.

“Are you sure? You kinda look like David Bowie, and this gal looks like she stepped out of the seventies.”

“I did,” she replies. “1975 to be exact. I’m Bambi Bollinger.”

“And I’m Gabriel Ronson from the year 2241,” the man says. “And you?”

“Ace Allison from 2023, and I’d like some of whatever you two have been smoking.”

Ace pokes his head out of the stagecoach window. The wind blows his blonde mane back in his face.

“Hey, Kyle Petty! Stop this rig, I wanna get off!” he shouts at the driver.

The stagecoach slows to a halt.

“You’re wasting your time,” Gabriel says. “We’ve already tried this approach.”

Opening the door, Ace jumps out.

“Irving?”

“Yep.”

“I thought I was delirious and dreamed you up. Although I have to admit my imagination usually goes for creatures a little bit more slinky and less ugly.”

“I’ve got enough eyes to see you’re no prize either,” Irving replies, gurgling his words as if he’s speaking underwater. “Get back inside. I’m behind schedule.”

“Wait a sec, Irv, where are we going?”

“To see the judge.”

“A judge? Why?”

The driver answers Ace’s question with one of his own. “Why do people see a judge? To answer for their crimes.”

“But I haven’t done anything.”

“Then you’re going to like what happens next,” Irving gurgles. “Now get back inside.”

The desert gives way to a lush forest, then a futuristic city, then a group of winged dwarfs with picks pecking away at a bright red mountain.

The passengers poke their heads out of the windows to watch a pair of giant blue whales with muscular arms toss chum to green-skinned men and pink-colored women bobbing in a pool.

“Quite a diverse community,” Ace comments.

“It’s been like that for the whole ride,” Bambi says.

“Yeah, you missed the flying battleships shooting at each other, and the Romans battling it out with the Barbarians,” Gabriel adds.

“What is this place?” Ace asks.

“As near as I can tell, it’s every place,” Gabriel answers. “The past, the future, all in one spot.”

“But why?”

“I think we’re about to find out,” Gabriel replies, as the stagecoach pulls into a wild west town, stopping at the saloon.

The trio enters the saloon, which appears to be serving as a waiting room. Dozens of people sit exchanging their astonished observations.

Irving points at three chairs in the back of the room. “They’ll call for you. Just answer the judge’s questions honestly.”

Ace looks around the room. He turns to the woman.

“You said you were from the seventies. That guy in the front with the guitar case and the funky hat, isn’t that Carlos Santana?”

“Wow, yeah! It sure looks like him!”

“See the man with the white hair at the second table? That’s Humo Lasacurian,” Gabriel says. “He started a global war when he nuked a Chinese naval base.”

“Who won the war?” Ace asks.

“Nobody in my time speaks Chinese anymore.”

A pair of bodyguards wearing stylish cowboy hats resembling grey Komodo dragons stand by the judge’s desk.

The judge, turned to face the panoramic view of the nearby desert oasis, spins around in his chair.

“Slick Rick Roman!” Ace shouts, instantly recognizing him. “You’re the judge!”

Slick Rick flashes a gold tooth smile. “I’m your judge. Everyone who comes to Eternis has the right to be judged by one of their peers. I’m yours.”

“How long has it been? Seven years? The last time I saw you, you were wearing a Sharkskin suit, and you had a rose stuck between your fingers. Wait a minute… You’re dead.”

“And so are you, my friend. Have a seat.”

Ace sits down across from Slick Rick, smiling sheepishly at the cowboy dragons. They cross their arms over their chests and smile back, displaying three rows of teeth.

“Was your funeral a sham so you could duck out on your debts and run an amusement park? I gotta tell you, Slick, this place beats Disney World. I’m seeing a lot of things I’ve never seen before.”

“Like Abbott and Costello here,” Slick replies. “They’re from Reptilon, a planet in the Alpha Centauri system that’s millions of light years away from Earth.”

“Okay, Slick, I’ll play along. But why am I here?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Me, Monty Moneymaker, Dimples Davidson, and Sid ‘the Shark’ Silverstein were playing cards. In comes Mo Eisen and two of his trained muscle heads. Mo’s not happy that we all owe him big, so they pull out their guns and start blasting. I managed to escape through the kitchen window. I was hit, so I lay down underneath a bridge to rest. Next thing I know, the bullet I took is gone, and I’m in a stagecoach being driven by a frog with a guy who looks like David Bowie and a beauty who can give Raquel Welch a run for her money.”

“I wasn’t joking when I said you were dead. Mo and his boys ventilated all four of you.”

“So, the guys I saw who looked like Joseph Stalin and Franklin Roosevelt playing tennis?”

“Were really Stalin and Roosevelt.”

“Nice to see F.D.R. is up and around in the afterlife. So, what happens now?”

Slick reaches into his inbox. Picking up a file, he thumbs through it.

“Let’s see. You took care of your ailing mother, generously donated to Gambler’s Anonymous, bought uniforms every year for your nephew’s Babe Ruth baseball team, and paid your neighbor’s rent for three months. On the negative side, you were a card sharp…”

“Hey, pot calling the kettle black, Slick…”

“You cheated on your wife – with three different women. You neglected to pay any income tax, claiming you were a part-time lifeguard, even though you couldn’t even swim. I tell you what, Ace, I’ll vouch for you. You’re in!”

“In what?”

“Here’s how things work. You get to visit two places you may want to spend eternity in. Then you pick one. Some people stay here because they like the variety.”

Slick reaches into the desk drawer, pulling out a chain. Hanging from the chain is a small bone.

“For good luck?” Ace asks.

“It’s from the planet Conciveus. Their people created this place. The bone is a transport device. Tap it once and it’ll bring you back here. Tap it twice, say where and when you want to go, and it’ll take you there. It’ll stop working when you decide where you want to stay. Just don’t bring anything back with you. It can really screw up the timeline.”

Ace puts the chain around his neck.

“I want to go to a place I read about as a kid, the perfect civilization where there were wise leaders, men of adventure, and of course, beautiful women.”

Ace taps the bone twice. “Atlantis, 9,600 B.C .”

Ace looks around the cobblestone street. A breeze blows through his tunic.

In front of him is a crowded marketplace. People in colorful tunics wearing sandals mill about the stands bartering for vegetables, meat, and pottery.

Overlooking the city is a picturesque, snow-capped mountain.

Two beautiful women carrying water pitchers pass by, giggling at Ace’s awed expression. A group of soldiers wearing gold breastplates and helmets ride past, their horses snorting proudly.

Behind him is a massive forum. Bald and grey-haired men walk down the steps arguing with each other, closely followed by young boys struggling with scrolls and books.

A petite brunette, her hair swept up in a gold comb, glances at him. He smiles slyly at her.

“Would thou like to do the horizontal boogie woogie with me?”

The woman slaps him, storming off.

“I guess that’s too bold an approach in any century,” Ace comments.

“That is no way to speak to a Senator’s wife,” an old man says, chuckling. “You must be new to this place.”

“I am. Is this the continent of Atlantis?”

“It is.”

“And that mountain?”

“Momentous. And it is not a mountain. It is a volcano.”

The ground shakes. The forum’s columns wobble, falling. Screaming, the people in the marketplace run frantically in all directions as Momentous explodes, raining rubble down on the marketplace.

A wave of scalding lava flows down the street toward Ace.

Closing his eyes, Ace taps the bone.

Opening his eyes, Ace breathes a sigh of relief when he sees Slick sitting across from him.

“Not a great choice. You probably want to be more specific too. One sap said he wanted to take care of animals. He wound up shoveling manure at a county fair. Care to try again?”

“I want to live in paradise, where the weather is like Hawaii, every woman is beautiful, and there’s booze and gambling twenty-four-seven.”

“Sounds like you want to go to Eros, the love planet.”

Ace taps the bone twice. “Eros it is.”

Ace feels the fine sand between his toes. An azure wave of water hits the beach.

He hears the light-hearted laughter of three bikini-clad women coming to greet him. A blonde, brunette, and redheaded beauty escort Ace to the Cupid Resort, where he’s treated to a feast of caviar, steak, and lobster.

Ace lays back in a comfortable lounge chair, sipping a tall glass of champagne.

“This really is paradise,” Ace says as the blonde massages his shoulders.

“Yes, Eros is the most popular place in the universe,” the blonde replies.

The redhead agrees. “It’s a wonderful place, as long as the Tortsen stay away.”

“The Tortsens?”

“They’re giants who kill men, enslave women, and burn everything to the ground,” the brunette answers. “But they haven’t been here in a dozen years.”

Dark clouds rumble across the three suns, blackening the sky. The sea turns rough, crashing violently against the rocks on the beach.

“What’s going on?” Ace asks.

“They’re back,” the brunette says.

The women run across the patio to a sliding door, locking it behind them. Large, thick metal doors drop down around the resort, shielding it from invasion.

A series of booming noises grabs Ace’s attention. A dozen thirty-foot hulking, boulder-skinned creatures rise to the surface of the water.

The creatures storm the beach, crushing boats, bungalows, and everything else in their path.

One of the Tortsens rumbles toward Ace. In his haste to get away, Ace stumbles, falling to the ground. Before he can scramble to his feet, the creature grabs his legs, pulling Ace toward him. Kicking wildly, Ace manages to free himself.

Ace runs through a forest of lush trees, hoping they will slow the creature. Tossing aside the redwoods like toothpicks, the Torsten follows.

Ace reaches for the bone. “It’s gone! Must have lost it when I fell.”

Spotting a cave ahead, Ace sprints toward it, hoping the opening is too small for the creature. Gasping, he watches as a shield comes down behind him, sealing him inside.

Ace follows a path leading him deep inside the cave.

Turning a corner, Ace sees a door at the end of the hallway. He tentatively turns the knob, pushing the door open.

A group of men sitting around a card table greet him, yelling out his name.

“Monty! Dimples! Shark! What are you doing here?”

“We were told to run in here in case of emergency,” Dimples says, smiling. “I guess those rock things qualify. Looks like we all chose to come to the same place in the afterlife. Sit down, we’ll deal you in.”