Unloving Miskates

We learn from our mistakes. That's a motivational quote that we often hear. While I do find it inspiring and true, I haven't always put it into practice in my own life.

David and I met our sophomore year of high school. We became fast friends, and within a short amount of time, we became a couple. The first few months were pure bliss. In a sudden turn of events, his parents found out that we were dating, and they forced us to break up! His parents threatened to change David to a different school if we kept dating. So there I was, at age 16, being told I couldn't love him. We tried to stay friends, but it wasn't the same. He promised me that we would date again when we finished high school. And I believed him. Mistake number one. I watched, glum and angry, as he flirted with other girls in school. A part of me wanted to move on too, but my heart clung to the memories we had and I foolishly waited for him to come back to me.

Fast forward to the end of our senior year. We went to prom together, technically. While we didn't attend the actual prom event hosted by the high school, we did go out to dinner with a group of friends, and then went to watch the new Avengers movie that came out that week.

One week later, I learned that he had been secretly dating a girl he met at his church. As I sat in class, it took everything I had to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over. I confronted him about it, and reminded him of his promise. His cold response was "time passes, and things change." At graduation, David would barely look at me. I wanted so badly to go over and speak with him and give him a congratulations hug; but I was too embarrassed.

We stayed in contact that summer. Just small talk every once in a while. We ended up getting accepted to different universities, yet I continued to love him.

A couple months later, he and his girlfriend break up. He seemed upset, so I was willing to listen to his problems and offer my support. There, emerged the sweet and kind guy I remembered. At one point, he told me he loved me, and wanted to give our relationship a second chance. I was ecstatic to say the least.

My happiness fell short, however, when he got back together with his ex-girlfriend two weeks later. He didn't give me any sort of explanation, except to say that he would always value me as "a really good friend." My heart ached for the relationship I dreamt we could have had. I knew that I should just move on and not look back, but I let him stay in my life.

Well, that relationship didn't last long. He breaks up with the girlfriend again, and comes back, wanting to be "friends" with me. We talk about simple things: music, movies, etc. We seem to be getting back on track, and in a moment of confidence, I ask him if he would like to hang out. He says he would like to.. Can you guess what happened?

He canceled on me, multiple times. I still didn't learn my lesson. I kept loving him, even though I told myself that I shouldn't.

I could keep going, but the rest of the story is just a repeat of this toxic pattern. He leaves, comes back, hurts me, etc. David and I met in the year 2012. Today, we are in the year 2020. I've been enduring this ridiculous cycle for eight long years and I've finally put my foot down. It's been a challenge to let go of him and the memories we have. It's been approximately 41 days since we last spoke.

To any person reading this, it might sound made-up, or even exaggerated. I wish it was. The truth is, this actually happened to me and sometimes I wish I could erase both the happy and painful memories that David and I had together. As of now, I find myself still thinking about him every once in a while. I'm trying to find ways to keep my mind busy by focusing on my work, hobbies, and family. I don't know what the future holds; but whatever happens, I learned my lesson and those love-related mistakes won't be made again. Now I realize that he had changed as a person, and that I didn't love him in the way I thought I did. I loved the person he was when I met him and I wanted that persona as my boyfriend.

My mistakes have made me a stronger, resilient person. And I will try my hardest not to succumb to meaningless promises and empty apologies in the future. I've learned my lesson.